He's Gone

I am writing this a few days early because I knew I couldn’t do it on the actual day, but today I took my first born to college for the first time. I have two wonderful children. I love them both more than life itself but my boy is leaving and today I just want to talk about him.

I wanted a baby every since I knew what one was. I began babysitting at 12 and prayed and dreamed of the time I would have a child of my own. I was very picky in picking a husband. I didn’t marry until I was 26 and Nick is the only man I have ever been with. A few medical problems made the possibility of having children of my own a less than a 100%. But after a bit of surgery and some more treatments the miracle occurred. I did get pregnant and gave birth to the most wonderful, perfect baby I could ever imagine.

Having a child was the only thing in my life that completely lived up to my expectations. When he was hungry, scared, cold, lonely, whatever, he wanted me. Mommy was everything to him. He loved his dad but I was the one that was always around. When he was little I could solve all his problems as he got older I couldn’t solve them all but he would still discuss them with me.

We have the same weird since of humor, he introduced me to MAD TV and we would watch it together on Saturday night. His well thought out and intellectual arguments change my political views. He is a lover of the arts and traveling. His current plans are to finish college and move to the big city.

His utter joy at this anticipated leaving breaks my heart while at the same time I rejoice that I have actually done my job exactly right. He is ready to go out into the world. I say my job because I feel I have done most of the child rearing in the family. Nick loves them but his work often kept him from being there. I got everyone up, to and from school, to doctor appointment, fieldtrips, and birthday parties. I got to be there for everything. So while I will take any blame for how the kids turned, I am also taking some of the credit.

I am amazed when I see my beautiful baby boy as a man. I’m stunned that it happened so quickly. I know that our relationship is undergoing a big transaction. He will come home of course, but my little boy is leaving and he won’t be back. He has his own love now and mom is never going to be number one again. That’s the way it is supposed to be, it’s a good thing, and it hurts like hell. The relationship that I wanted and dreamed of since I was a child has come to an end. I know the new one we will form will be just as good or better, but it is still an unknown.

I know it’s better to give than to receive. I received the greatest gift in the world when this child came into my life, but it was only a loan. Now it’s time to give him back. So this wonderful young man is now my gift to the world. I pray that the world treats him with the love and respect I have for him. Son, I love you.