I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, November 09, 2017

Proceed with caution

Here I go again.

Whining.

Pity party.

You might want to bail now, but I have to write or my head will explode.

There are two parts of me that are tangled so tightly they cannot be separated. I’ve tried, they can’t be parted. These two things are my sexuality and my TTWD desires.



I’ve always wanted to be a good wife to Nick. But I’m not sure I ever got there. I was a good mother, still am. But I wanted to be that hot little sex kitten men dream about. I wanted that for Nick, I wanted that for me – I even prayed for it, but it never happened until …

Twenty-three year in to the marriage I took my most terrifying plunge in life and told Nick about my TTWD desires. Yes, I blurted out the secret I’d held onto for forty-nine years. And what happened – everything! For me the clouds parted, the sun shone, the birds sang – heck, I think the angels sang. I remember the folks at school asked what drugs I was taking because you couldn’t have slapped the smile off my face.

During those first two years, our sex life skyrocketed! We love our ‘secret’ it brought us so close.  We’d sneak around from the kids, sometimes to the basement sometimes to my late parents’ home for privacy for both spanking and sex. Also during those first two years I lost forty pounds.

I knew Nick still didn’t embrace the DD lifestyle or understand that I wanted/needed him to take control of a few things. But there was the hope that he would really want to get into it. He read everyone’s posts, he certainly read all mine. He even wrote me a couple of Fantasy Friday stories. But eleven years have passed. We weren’t spring chickens when we started and now…



Gradually he lost interest. I know he would spank my ass any time I asked, but it’s not the smacks on the butt I’m longing for – hell, I could do that myself. I wanted the lifestyle or at least the possibility of it. He’s not against it, I know that. Every six months or so he emails or in some way brings it up, but sometimes that’s harder. If I block it all I'm okay and can live in peace with myself. I don't have the highs I once experienced, but neither do I feel depressed over it all. But when I get that flicker of hope and then it dies again I do feel depressed.

I can block my desire. I did it for nearly fifty years. But when I block my desire for TTWD it also blocks my sexuality. I’m always scared he’s going to think that I’m saying, ‘If you don’t do this for me, I’m not going to do that for you.’ That’s not it! For me they are the same thing and one just doesn’t work for me without the other.

Can Nick embrace the lifestyle? I think he could if it was something he really wanted. If he had someone by his side to insist on it because overall his life would improve. It would take hard work and maybe more time that he’s willing to give it. But he could do it if he wanted to.

I just re-read that and I could say the same thing about me losing forty pounds.

But am I going to lose that weight?

Is Nick going to be the hard-ass HOH that could help me?

Probably not.


But wouldn’t it be something if Nick and I could begin our adventure all over again.

29 comments:

  1. Oh Pk, I know how you feel, sometimes it is just not going to happen. I too think that a taste of it is worse sometimes than none at all. You have all my sympathy
    love Jan, xx

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    1. Thanks Jan. It helps to be understood.

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  2. Hi PK, I agree with Jan and I too can empathise. Ttwd faded away some time ago for us. There have been the occasional fun spankings...very occasional, but that's all. We do talk about slowly rekindling ttwd but...

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. It's good that you talk. We're just not great with that.

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  3. PK,
    We may not be in the same stage here, right now, but there are times Hoss just doesn't always understand how this works, but neither do I. I do think that the taste of it would be so much harder to endure then just keep it locked away. The thirst is worse than before if only given a drop or two of water when you wanted the bottle to guzzle to your heart's content. I so wish he had Tom standing beside him to encourage him. I'm sorry your heart is hurting and I wish I had a practical suggestion or words to fix the situation. Hugs.

    --Baker

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    1. It's true. If I could just KNOW one way or the other. Are we done are are we going to try. It's just frustrating.

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  4. PK,
    I think you know what I am going to say......... communicate what you have written to your guy. He listens. Make a plan, set aside the time. Ttwd does not happen like magic. Although what happens is magical. You know better than to compare what you and have have to others in this community. Turn to him and talk your heart out. Men are not mind readers. You have a guy who listens, who loves you and who is willing to try new things. He will also start over again and again. You speak of him with such love. I hear that each time we talk. So set up an appointment. Yes, an actual appointment and look him in the eye and communicate, communicate, communicate. You can do this.
    Meredith

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    1. We'll talk. But I have no idea what to say that I haven't said over and over.

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  5. Well, I cried over this post, PK. And then I cried some more when I read Mere's comment.

    I wish I could wave a magic ttwd wand, and Nick would all of sudden get it. I know it doesn't work that way. But, like Mere, I would say that you should never give up. The man loves you so dearly, and there is something blocking his embracing ttwd. Keep searching for that something.

    I know Nick used to read some blogs, but do you think he would read letters from some of us? I was just thinking of the letters that Cassie's blog friends sent to Tom. Yes, that is fiction, I know, but Ella firmly believes in Ever Afters.

    Love and Hugs,
    Ella

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    1. I wish I could just make him want it. We could figure it out if he WANTED it. I think the letter idea is sweet, but if he's not getting it from me I doubt he would from anyone else.

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  6. PK,
    Meredith's advice is so good. But maybe email for you is a better start. I've had many,many years of ups and downs with this. It CAN come back. I'm older than you and my husband is nine years older than Nick. I need this in my life and so do you. Fight for it. You help so many people. You and Nick have such a wonderful love. He's listened before. Maybe he thinks it's not so important for you anymore. Please don't give up. I know I want this in my life till I have no life left. So do you. Set a day together to talk if you can.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I know I want this in my life till I have no life left." I know that's true for me too. I did ask Nick to read this post. I guess I'll see what he thought of it.

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  7. Deena6:59 PM

    I have no words of wisdom or any advice at all as we are continuing to figure it out and I'm not sure what will be. I do want you to know that with all my heart I understand and wish I could be helpful.

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    1. Thanks Deena, it does help that others understand.

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  8. I’m with Meredith here, you need to talk with your guy like you’ve never talked to him before. Be honest and lay it all out there. Life is short and this is so very worth having. He may think you have everything you want because you’ve been going along with it all, afterall, silence is consent.
    Let him know how you really want things to be, he’s crazy about you. You may end up surprised.

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    1. I think you're probably right, but I usually spend months telling myself, "Get over it. It's not gonna happen." I've told myself that so long I don't know what I want anymore.

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    2. I think you know exactly what you want. Just put it out there and see what he says. You have nothing to lose here, remember he loves you.

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  9. Hi dear friend, I understand and empathize. You know, your story and my story are very similar. I wish I had an answer for both of us...or at least some twinkle of hope. I can offer you a hug and a listening ear anytime you need it. Maybe that spark that ignited when first shared will spark again soon for you...I hope it does! :-)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sometimes I just wish my desire would go away. Eventually something's gonna have to give.

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  10. I know it's very hard for Nick to understand but I think it's time to talk with him again face to face, tell him your deep down desire for this and remind him when you came out to him. It's worth it and who knows, you could get what you wish for, I hope so.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    Replies
    1. We did do some talking, I hope they'll be more.

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  11. Hey PK...I do know what it's like to crave but not have the ttwd lifestyle but can't think of anything to suggest that has not been said above. We do have some wise friends around here don't we. Sending lots of positive energy that you and Nick find a way.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. I thank you for your support. There is so much support here. I guess I'd still be in the closet without all of you.

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  12. Oh PK, <3 <3 <3! I'm late here, but I have read the post, and all of the comments, and am so glad that you have done a bit of talking with Nick. You got some great advice, and I don't really have much to add to it.

    This is something that you both have to work out between yourselves, by talking about your feelings. The best advice that I ever got was "Tell him what you need." I'll always be thankful for that. It is a very hard thing to do. You can do it! At the same time, you can talk away, but the rest must come from Nick.

    My heart aches for you, because I so want you to experience all that you want with the man that you love, and who loves you back. If Ella comes across that magic wand, I will wave it for you too, and for all the other sweet friends who desire the same. Love you,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Katie, you're a sweetie. Thank you for your support.

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  13. PK I sympathise with you. It feels that way around here sometimes. It can be either full on hot or freezing cold and I really miss it when its cold. Its hard when our men are gentle and it appears against their natural instincts to devote all their time to a proper TTWD life style. Hang in there. Sending positive vibes your way.
    Hugs Lindy xx

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    1. I'm afraid it does seem to go against their nature much of the time. I hate making it hard on them.

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  14. hugs hugs and hugs...

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