Proceed with caution

Here I go again.

Whining.

Pity party.

You might want to bail now, but I have to write or my head will explode.

There are two parts of me that are tangled so tightly they cannot be separated. I’ve tried, they can’t be parted. These two things are my sexuality and my TTWD desires.

I’ve always wanted to be a good wife to Nick. But I’m not sure I ever got there. I was a good mother, still am. But I wanted to be that hot little sex kitten men dream about. I wanted that for Nick, I wanted that for me – I even prayed for it, but it never happened until …

Twenty-three year in to the marriage I took my most terrifying plunge in life and told Nick about my TTWD desires. Yes, I blurted out the secret I’d held onto for forty-nine years. And what happened – everything! For me the clouds parted, the sun shone, the birds sang – heck, I think the angels sang. I remember the folks at school asked what drugs I was taking because you couldn’t have slapped the smile off my face.

During those first two years, our sex life skyrocketed! We love our ‘secret’ it brought us so close.  We’d sneak around from the kids, sometimes to the basement sometimes to my late parents’ home for privacy for both spanking and sex. Also during those first two years I lost forty pounds.

I knew Nick still didn’t embrace the DD lifestyle or understand that I wanted/needed him to take control of a few things. But there was the hope that he would really want to get into it. He read everyone’s posts, he certainly read all mine. He even wrote me a couple of Fantasy Friday stories. But eleven years have passed. We weren’t spring chickens when we started and now…

Gradually he lost interest. I know he would spank my ass any time I asked, but it’s not the smacks on the butt I’m longing for – hell, I could do that myself. I wanted the lifestyle or at least the possibility of it. He’s not against it, I know that. Every six months or so he emails or in some way brings it up, but sometimes that’s harder. If I block it all I'm okay and can live in peace with myself. I don't have the highs I once experienced, but neither do I feel depressed over it all. But when I get that flicker of hope and then it dies again I do feel depressed.

I can block my desire. I did it for nearly fifty years. But when I block my desire for TTWD it also blocks my sexuality. I’m always scared he’s going to think that I’m saying, ‘If you don’t do this for me, I’m not going to do that for you.’ That’s not it! For me they are the same thing and one just doesn’t work for me without the other.

Can Nick embrace the lifestyle? I think he could if it was something he really wanted. If he had someone by his side to insist on it because overall his life would improve. It would take hard work and maybe more time that he’s willing to give it. But he could do it if he wanted to.

I just re-read that and I could say the same thing about me losing forty pounds.

But am I going to lose that weight?

Is Nick going to be the hard-ass HOH that could help me?

Probably not.

But wouldn’t it be something if Nick and I could begin our adventure all over again.