I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, March 23, 2015

What I really want


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Last week wasn’t my best. I wasn’t happy about work and I wasn’t happy with myself. I realized Friday was coming and I didn’t feel like a spanking. I didn’t say I didn’t need one but I didn’t want one. I sent Nick the following email.

I've been watching my weight this week - watching it climb and climb. I don't even pretend to know what's happening. You can't fix this. I don't know if I'm going to fix it. But I know I'm the only one who can. I'm not mad or sad or annoyed at anything, certainly not you, but right now I don't really care about our Friday agreement.  I just feel kinda blank about it. We can take a break. Will spring and warmer weather help? Probably not, nothing seems to help. I'm not exactly giving up I'm just discouraged. Maybe a couple of weeks of not thinking about it will help, I just don't know.

I wrote that Thursday night and quickly hit send. I didn’t what to think or talk about it. It was after school on Friday that Nick looked at the book where I record my weigh each week. He started to say something and I said, “Have you checked your email?” and that was all I had to say. He checked his email and said no more, we had a pleasant evening, we were both in a good mood and TTWD was not mentioned.  But by the time I went to bed I was feeling a little … off. I was trying to dig into my mind – what did I really want? And then I knew.




What I really wanted was…

for Nick to have done exactly what he did. Accept my feeling and not push the issue. I wanted him to not be mad about what I’d said, about the way my feelings and emotions and needs seem to jump around. I didn’t want him to say anymore about the weight gain. Although in truth he has never fussed about that only that I have to do something about my health before something serious happens.  So I got what I wanted, but…

What I really wanted was…

for Nick to say, “Nope, sorry, it doesn’t work that way. You started this but I’m invested now and unless you completely withdraw consent I’m the one who decided when you get spanked. I don’t give a crap if you gained or not, but you have to do something to assure you’re going to stay healthy.  And I don’t like you pulling away and trying to avoid a spanking. So you are getting a spanking and you may not like it.” But he didn’t say that and I then I realized that …

What I really wanted was…

for Nick to say something, not just to accept my email but to make me deal with it. Email would be fine. I guess I just don’t want him to accept it and say, ‘okay, fine’. I need to be pushed some. Maybe he could make a couple of ‘rules’ to help me. When he’s done this before it’s made things easier for me. Suggestions and ‘you ought to’s’ don’t help. But a couple of rules, about snacking, exercise or bedtime make it easier to stick to. The unused submissive side of me can really use this. But he has to pick rule that he cares enough about to follow through on.  I’ll usually follow them for a while then I get tired of them and slack off. I need him to ‘convince’ me to stick with them.


It’s hard for a girl to get everything she wants when she wants different things. I did get the following email from Nick Saturday morning.

Seems like a peculiar time to not feel like a session is needed.  Remember all the times you said not to let you off the hook?  I'm still considering.  Maybe a general stress/motivation evening.

I haven’t heard any more – but ultimately it might not come down to what I want. 


26 comments:

  1. It's tough on a guy, when we don't know ourselves what we want. It's like a ponzie game they just can't win.

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    1. It's true. I know I understand more these days about how confusing all this is for him. I used to get mad at him, and I really don't anymore. I do occasionally get mad at myself.

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  2. PK, I so get this. Wanting to be let off yet wanting him to follow through. Sometimes a spanking just isn't what we want, yet it's those moments when we probably need it most.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. You're right - what we want, what we need they get all messed up in our minds.

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  3. Oh poor man. You know what PK, next time you feel like sending that email DONT. I know Nick is like my husband but having said you want him to take charge then jolly well let him and don't top from the bottom. it didn't work anyway did it as you still haven't got what you NEED. I hope he follows through really because you will feel better. I Hope he reads this post and the comments too. I hope school is better, I am having food issues at the moment too, maybe it's the time of year.I keep trying to stop eating rubbish but its a disaster over here.
    :(Hope this week is better for you
    love Jan,xx

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know, sometimes I should keep my mouth shut - but I've always tried to top from the bottom because I'm the one who had the thoughts and feelings about all this. I know I have to back off and give him the chance to take over.

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  4. Sometimes when you want it the least...it is because you need it the most. Tough for a guy who loves you and is trying to keep up with you to understand...but he seems to be getting it. Still snowing here, i have had the flu for about a week...i get your mood.
    hugs abby

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    1. I really hope you are feeling like yourself soon. I wish at least one of us knew what I needed.

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  5. It might not come down to what you really want...but it might come down to what you really need...or maybe what you do want but don't realize at the time...I am glad he is considering and that he didn't just accept it...I know in your shoes I would feel the same way... Hugs

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    1. I did appreciate his email - even not knowing what's going to happen, I'm glad he is thinking about it.

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  6. I feel bad for Nick because he can't read your mind. When you sent that email, you really weren't sure what you wanted. When you asked him if he checked his email, you only wanted him to know what you were thinking. It is ok to not want it and he definitely needs to know where your head is, but maybe you should leave it open for discussion on Friday. Holding hands, "why do you want to skip this session?" Then, trust him to make the decision. In a separate discussion, give him a heads up about when you really do not want it - like if you have the stomach flu. But if it seems like just an "I don't feel like it" then let him know that it's ok to take charge anyway.

    I think I should probably have this discussion myself with my fiancé Tom. My weight is also becoming an issue for me. He doesn't mind the weight, but I think I'm going to need Tom's help to stay motivated.

    Best of luck, PK! Also, would you mind swinging by my blog? I have some questions i'd like you to consider answering on my latest post. Thanks!

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    1. I've always felt that was Nick's biggest flaw - not being able to read my mind! Poor fellow. Neither of us are very good at 'talking'. I'm good at communicating through email and he's more the strong SILENT type.

      I'll be happy to answer your questions - we're out of town tomorrow but I'll let you know soon if I'll post or I'll comment to you.

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  7. I think everything has been covered. I don't have much to add. Just wanted to let you know I was here and I understand<3

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    1. And you have no idea how much that really means. Thanks

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  8. It's really hard on our guys when half the time we don't know ourselves what we want.

    Roz is right, sometimes a spanking isn't what we want, yet it's that moments when we need it most. Perhaps he should have followed through and just spanked you. Topping from the Bottom doesn't work.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's not a born spanko, but a created one. I know that makes thinks that much harder for him.

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  9. I agree with everyone on here that maybe he should have, but only if you had been telling him what was going on at work and your stressful week. I am hoping you shared all that so he knows it had little to do with him. I am pretty sure he would have geared it to a stress relief spanking then. He has probablyfound a way to help by now. We ladies can be fortunately understand!

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    1. I always tell him about school, he is a great listener for things like that.

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  10. I understand your side(s) completely. But, maybe telling him the three things you really want will show him where you are at with things. In my case, it would lead to Jim taking hold of me and giving that spanking THEN he would talk. It is always better that way. Communication is so much easier when a spanking has cleared my mind of the confusion I place on myself.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

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    1. We don't talk after a spanking much - neither of us is good at face to face talking. I wish we were better. But most things are better after a spanking. I don't know if he'll read this or not.

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  11. Poor Pk...Poor Nick! No suggestions...just sending lots of positive energy and thoughts that you work it out.

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat I really appreciate it.

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  12. Gosh, I absolutely get it.

    Roz said it perfectly. Sometimes it is not what we want but what we need. I mean...It hurts...at times!

    Maybe next time show him this post instead...Then he can decide.

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    1. Maybe… I keep going back and forth between wanting to push all this and just saying forget it.

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  13. PK: You know you will never want to forget it. You know you want him to take change and take control. But as you said he is a created spanko, not a born one so he is doing the best he can. If it's any consolation to you, you have been an inspiration to me. When I am together with my good girl, she usually gets a spanking a day. There is no discussion whether she wants one or not. I decide. I know a daily spanking is too much for your hubby but maybe he could start a program of two or three spankings a week. And don't feel bad about topping from below. He can't read your mind. But instead of telling him what is on your mind, just tell him you want him to take charge so he decides. Good luck. .

    FD

    .

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    1. Thanks FD, I know you are right but it feels like I've been trying to get him to take charge for a long time and nothing ever changes.

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