Wednesday, July 23, 2014

So what should I lead with?

In the church I’ve attended all my life our tradition is to change ministers ever four to six year. We recently got a new minister, and for the first time it’s a lady.  Her kids are close to the same age as mine. I invited her over to the house later today to get to know her better.  But now that she coming I have a big questions and I’m hoping you all can provide me an answer.

Do I lead off the conversations with my gay son or the fact that I write kinky spanking books?  Just wondering.

Written by PK at 6:30 PM

42 comments

42 Comments:

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Autumn said...

Hahaha! I guess it depends on the denomination. I'm Episcopalian, and I'd say you could lead with either one after a nice shared bottle of wine!

 
At 12:12 AM, Blogger Leah Q said...

If hearing about your gay son and his husband would be a problem for your minister, I'd say find a new church. If you tell your friends and other people in real life about your kinky books, then tell her that too.

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Meredith Malloy said...

You will be surprised at the acceptance. We need to talk, PK
Meredith

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger Cat said...

LOL PK...think I'd lead off with your family...if she has a problem with your gay son, don't bother with telling her anything else but how to find the door. ;)

I'm sure everything will be fine. ;)

Hugs and Blessings...
Cat

 
At 3:33 AM, Blogger DelFonte said...

a church that is selective is not a church but a club. Jesus took everyone. as for telling your minister, get to know her first, a few sermons, then you'll know.

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Roz said...

PK, I think DF has a good suggestion and agree with everyone else too. If she has a problem with your son ...

Hugs
Roz

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger ronnie said...

PK,

Agree with DF. Ask about her and take it from there.

Love,
Ronnie
xx

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger an English Rose said...

Hi Pk, I reckon you should see what she tells you first, she might have more salacious gossip than you!!
love Jan,

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Paul said...

PK,
I trust your good sense, do what you think best.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Eva said...

Tough call..... How about this...start with the gay son...then the writing....then back up and mention that your gay son is married.... And then maybe show off your writings...

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger abby said...

Ah....I would not hide anything....but don't think i would lead off with those two topics first. I do agree.....neither should be a problem...
hugs abby

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger Minelle Labraun said...

I wouldn't hide things, but I would give her a chance to relax and share who she is....Then all bets are off as she gets to know you!

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Hi PK, :) I am with the others- get to know her a bit and then move forward with whatever you like, as it comes up. I think that because we are so open here in the land, perhaps we get used to putting it all out there.

If she has any trouble with acceptance of either, then she should not be in a position of leadership in any church. And then yeah- "Don't let the door kick you in the arse on the way out" comes to mind.. (Funny plaque that Rob and I found this summer.) Enjoy your visit! Many hugs,

<3 Katie

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Mona Lisa said...

Take it easy, PK, this is the first visit. You don`t need start with something. Let the conversation flow and she will surely ask about the kids, so you tell her about your Amazing son and his lovely man..
Save writing for later .. maybe when she tells you that she is active in the city's BDSM club .. lol ..

 
At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That depends, do you want to shock, or awe. lol

Just be yourself and I am sure everything will follow as it's meant to be.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Daisy Christian said...

Lol hmmm maybe wait a bit to throw her the curve balls.. then tell her about your kinky stories and say o and my son is gay.. lol

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Irishey said...

Well, PK, I suppose it depends. (Are you teasing here, and have no intention of discussing either, or are you truly considering this and really want to get a consensus?)

She is your minister now, and part of her responsibility is to minister in your life. Do you want or need ministering right now as a result of something related to either of these areas? If not, I wouldn't bother sharing.

Do others in your congregation know about either or both? If so, I think I would want her to hear it first from me, in my own words, from my heart - not colored by the opinions (good, bad or neutral) of others.

Hey! Why aren't you deliberating whether to tell her Nick spanks you? ;-)

Enjoy your visit! Hugs!

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger PK said...

We're Methodist. We'll share a glass of wine with you, but we probably won't bring it out. We're more into casseroles.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger PK said...

You're right - I know I'll talk about all my kids, LJ, Mollie and Collin.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger PK said...

I really do expect her to be fine with LJ, not sure if the writing will come up. I love talking with you.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger PK said...

Cat, you're exactly right. If she acted funny about LJ I doubt we ever have anything else we'd need to discuss.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger PK said...

DF, She has seemed opened in the two sermons I've heard. I have heard she is in the midst of divorce. That might make her more opened to people with different things in their lives.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger PK said...

Roz, We're all in agreement on that one.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger PK said...

She does have two kids so I think we can talk about them first.

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger PK said...

Jan, now that would be interesting!

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger PK said...

Paul, sometimes you have more confidence in my common sense than I do.

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger PK said...

Sounds like a good working plan.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger PK said...

Abby it's just that I'm so comfortable talking out here I sometimes forget others could be shocked.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger PK said...

Minelle, I will - she gets to talk first.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger PK said...

Katie, love the plaque! Really not worried about LJ and I can hold off on the books for a while.

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger PK said...

LOL! Mona, if she tell me that I'll buy her all the Cassie books!

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger PK said...

Good point, I really don't want to shock and awe, but I'm also tired of hiding so much that matters to me.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger PK said...

That would be a couple of curves. Maybe she has a few curves too.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger PK said...

Irishey, I may be teasing a little, but the thoughts and ideas of all my friends here do help me. All my friends, work and church know that LJ is married and that I'm proud of him. Many know I write - not always in detail.

Since Nick only using spanking as a sex game, I think I'll keep that one to myself!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Cygnet said...

LOLOLOL, I think those topics might fall into the category of TMI on your first meeting if you are planning on intentionally mentioning them to see how she responds. I have a friend who used to introduce herself with, "Hi, I'm Cindy. I'm a lesbian." It was a conversation killer. Thankfully, we have managed to break her of the habit and have her reveal it in more subtle ways, like talking about her wife.

I have found in religious circles it is much easier if you just reveal things naturally. For example if you talked about your son and what a great guy he is married to, when you are talking about your children in general, rather than than leading with "Hi, Minister, nice to meet you. I have a gay son." That demands a direct response and leaves her no way to gracefully handle it.

So, my advice, for what it's worth. Is let her learn things about you and your family naturally the same way anyone would learn about you and your family. Don't put her on the spot.

 
At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

PK,
I sense you are being tongue in cheek. However, many people do use scriptures to try to control the private and consensual behaviour of others over which they should have absolutely no concern. I hope your new minister is not one of those.

In deciding what to tell people when discussing others, I try to follow the example of a good friend. Many years ago, I travelled to work with a highly respected academic. Before I left, I had a long conversation with a mutual friend about what sort of man he was. When I arrived I was shocked to discover that this man was severely disabled and disfigured and yet my friend had not mentioned it. Later I came to realise that that was the most respectful thing my friend could possibly have done. It was not remotely relevant to the character of the man.

In your case, would you consider discussing the sexuality of your son as a discrete topic if he were heterosexual. If not, then you I think you have your answer. :-)
N

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger PK said...

I think that's pretty much what I plan to do. Honestly we've just going to talk and visits. I don't want to make her uncomfortable. But I will talk about my kids and ask about hers. I'm very proud of mine and I'm sure she is of hers.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Autumn said...

Oh yes...the potlucks and the casseroles and the committee meetings...I figured you were Methodist, because I grew up in the Methodist church and we changed ministers every few years as well. We mostly had female ministers.

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger PK said...

I am being a little tongue in cheek. I don't plan on trying to make anyone, me or here uncomfortable. I will talk about my daughter's plan to teach and I'll talk about my son and his husband like I talk to all my friends.

Your friend was wise in the way she described the man you were going to work with.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger PK said...

This is our very first lady. She just left a short time ago and I can't wait to post about our meeting.

 
At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Jon said...

What Irishey said except: I'd not want to be an active part of a church if the minister / priest isn't accepting of my children's gender / partner choices. So, whether she brings it up or not, I'd find a way to sound her out. IMHO.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger PK said...

I found out quite a bit about her feelings. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

 

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