I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, February 02, 2014

What’s a spanking?

*My friend, Donna Steele, has a new book our - check it out over at the Reading Room.

Shouldn’t I know the answer to the title question? Shouldn’t Nick?

We have different definitions and I think that just crystalized in my mind. When I think of ‘a spanking’. I’m thinking of, ‘go wait on me in the bedroom’ or ‘go get the …’ or ‘you haven’t been focusing…’ or ‘we need to talk about …’ I think of ‘a spanking’ as an event – not necessarily a time consuming one, but a stopping and coming together, a time to throw in a little discipline.  A spanking, maybe some questions and answers, maybe a little more spanking and then a little hugging, maybe less than ten minutes. But we’ve taken the time to acknowledge one another, to address any issues that need to be discussed, and to paid homage to TTWD. This is what I think of when I think of ‘a spanking.’

Nick’s definition of a spanking is more inclusive.  I believe he would see my version as a spanking – although those rarely happen. I think he counts a few swats in the kitchen – which I love dearly, they’re always fun and most welcomed, but they’re not ‘a spanking’. They’re delicious stolen moments.

And then there’s playtime. I love our playtime! Playtime usually begins with a real nice spanking and I think this is where Nick and I diverge on our definition. Often this is when Nick will bring up some issues. He might bring up my lack of exercise or not getting the laundry put away – I think he means for this to address my desire for some discipline. But I have to tell you, if it ends in glorious mind blowing sex, then it’s many wonderful things, it’s playtime, it’s fantastic foreplay, and it’s something I love and never want to be without in our lives – but it’s not discipline. 

You all know I’m a lover of spanking. I love Nick’s definitions – I love the impromptu swats in the kitchen when he grabs a wooden spoon, or in the bedroom when I’m changing and I’d even love this kind when we’re out in public occasionally.

I definitely want the playtime/erotic kind, you have to love a spanking that leads to fantastic sex.

But I need Nick to think about my definition. I need my version of a spanking sometimes too.  When I say that there hasn’t been any spanking lately, this is what I’m talking about. It’s not that I haven’t had the stray swat or two, and not that we haven’t had that great playtime. But I also need that time when its just spanking, some talking, some hugging – for me, that’s a spanking.

27 comments:

  1. PK,
    yes, discipline is an important ingredient.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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    1. Paul, I think it's important too. But mighty hard to come by around here.

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  2. I hear you PK. We spank for play, discipline and role affirmation and I sometimes think we have different definitions when it comes to role affirmation. I get the impression sometimes that to Rick a playful spanking doubles as RA. In some ways I guess it does as it does reinforce our roles ... but it's not quite my idea of RA. The lines never usually become blurred with discipline though!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      There is little to no discipline here. Over the years I've often felt that the only time I got spanked was when Nick wanted sex. Now I know that sounds terrible. It's not that I didn't want to have sex, it just that I'm a spanko and a spanking means sooooo much more to me.

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  3. Yes I'm with you PK. The swats in the kitchen come regularly, thick and fast, but they do not make 'a spanking' (although have turned into one on a couple of occasions when I have responded badly) There is a huge difference. Although we do have real punishment that can end in sex too.

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    1. Janey,
      Real punishment spankings can end in sex - I know at times they can transition into that. But it doesn't happen every time, and that's not the original reason he initiated the spanking.

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  4. We used to make love after every spanking, the emotional need and connection was so great. But now, after punishments, I need more coddling, and the sex has fallen to the side after those. So before that happened, I wouldn't have understood this post probably, but now I really do. The moment needs to be about discipline, and not distracted by another activity. There has to be a clear time for focusing on what happened, the lecture, the punishment, the comfort and forgiveness. These have become so beautiful to our little dance.

    Thank you for sharing this, it's giving me something to chew over.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Es May,
      Like I said to Janey - I understand that sometime the intensity of a spanking that began as one thing may at times lead to sex. But I need to know he understand my needs for spankings without sex. I'm sure he doesn't have this need, and probably wishes I didn't either - but, bless his heart, he's married to a spanko and I need it.

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  5. Why is it men and women often have different definitions of the same word or concept. I think you are on to something.....
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby, men and women are different! Think of the phrase "Let's talk" say it to another woman and she opens the wine and sits down for an enjoyable afternoon. The man thinks "Aww… shit!"

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  6. I know what you mean. I want them all, but your definition offers a different level of time and attention and I definitely need that sometimes too.

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    1. Leah,
      When this happen I know he's doing it for me - just for me because I need it and love it. Maybe it's selfish, but I know it makes me a better wife.

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  7. Semantics - it's what makes the world go round.

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    1. I guess it must, but it sure can be confusing.

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  8. Oh boy, very interesting..we just had a convo like this. Even if I end up over his knee for a long swatting session...because I am intense or cheeky. I am not sure I count it as a discipline spanking...
    INTERESTING!

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    1. Minelle,
      It doesn't even have to be discipline - if it's just something...

      Delete
  9. Anonymous1:14 PM

    Can i ask how you got hime to spank you at all? My husband and i agreed to start this dynamic almost a year ago, and i have yet to receive more than the "swats in the kitchen". He says he wants to have this kind of marriage, but just lets things slide rather than address any issues that come up, and sometimes I think he just doesn't want to. How did you know your husband really wanted to be the HoH and how did he overcome his reluctance to spank? If that was even the case. :)

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    1. Anon,
      I don't think men can start with this dynamic. I think they have to work into it and most men need to start with sexy and erotic spanking. Ask him to spank you during sex, you're close, you're naked - ask him. Then if he does ANYTHING along those line let him know you LOVED it. Show him, email him the next day, what ever it takes. Grab that wooden spoon and swat him in the kitchen - chances are he'll grab it away and return the favor. Keep it light and playful. As he get more used to swatting there is plenty of time to talk to him about more serious ideas. Although you can see from my post - it may take a while. I'll be happy to talk with you about what I do know if you'd like to email - elisspeaks@yahoo.com

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  10. Hi Pk, I know what you mean. I need those "proper" spankings too, alongside all the rest. I think maybe I am just greedy. He is pretty good though , blames me for not being naughty and secretly I think he wishes I were so he has an excuse more often. He can;t just make it up! Today I have eaten half a packet of biscuits and written it on my food diary, who know's, that might just do it for tomorrow. ;)
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Jan,
      I do feel greedy and needy and sometimes I'm mad at myself because of this. I'm like you, I don't do tons of stuff to be spanked for - at least not in Nick's eyes. I wish he would realize that there doesn't have to be a 'serious' reason. Reconnection is as good a reason as any.

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  11. Hi friend,
    Well you know I understand the differences in communication and definitions can be confusing. I love the stolen moments too but I agree, they are not spankings. And spankings for us here are only of the playtime variety intertwined with sex, and I love that, but I do sometimes need or crave a spanking on its own whether it does or does not lead to sex after. This has yet to happen and may not and I have accepted it, but does not mean I don't desire it. I have also realized that while I do not wish to truly be disciplined I get most excited during times of play when there is some aspect of dominance, or playful discipline...like when he spanked me for "over thinking" or when I was spanked for eating his oreo's. The discipline aspect sparks the fantasy for me and although I can enjoy and appreciate the sensual experience of a spanking, the "realness" of it for me makes it even more enjoyable. Hugs

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    1. Terps,
      You and I feel exactly the same way. It's a strong desire, but the men just don't understand it - it's not that they don't want to get it, they just don't.

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  12. Hey PK...don't really have any advice for you...just gonna send lots of positive energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Thanks Cat, I appreciate it!

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  13. This quite the subject. I am a happily married man who introduced spanking into my marriage as I have been a spanko for 40 or more years. At first, my new wife thought it perverted and dumb. but I worked on the subject until successful around 8 years or so ago when my wife surprised me by asking to read one of my many spanking fiction books, specifically one by Fiona Locke. After a couple of days, she said she 'got it' as in understanding my need. She told me to assume the position, bare my bottom and holy crap, turned my butt into a red painful bottom. But I was on my way. We have turned this into something we talk about and act upon. For instance, we text back and forth at work and spanking works its way into the conversation and wow horniness abounds. My wife has admitted she enjoys spanking me and kinda understands the needs and wants. At the hardware store recently, I was looking at a wooden spoon and she whispered, if you want me to use that on you, put it in the cart and I did. She takes exception to how I comment either with inhales of breath or other body language when she is driving and informs me that when we get home, I will be paddled hard and of course I get an erection. Now lets be clear, it is my fetish, not hers so she rarely gets spanked. But she is more than happy to spank me when I ask and when she says I need it. I feel for PK that she does not have an active spanking life. If my wife wasn't into it as she is, I would be in spanking fantasy land only. As it is though, I am a happily married spanko.

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    1. Baxter,
      I'm so glad you commend. So few men do and I know that there are many men who feel just as you do. A few even blog, but I'd love to hear from more men.

      I do have an active spanking life - not as active as I'd like. I know I'm needy and greedy. I want him to think of spanking more, I'd love to have some sexy text from him. I truly wish he'd talk about spanking more. I love my husband dearly and we have a wonderful life together, I just want it to be even better.

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  14. Hi PK,

    We are a mixture as well. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a REAL punishment spanking, because Dan dislikes the thought of them and will go a long way to avoid such a situation. He has said right from the start that it upsets and hurts him too. I think perhaps we can only drop the carrot, and then hope our husbands will do something about it. Only I think it is very important that we don't actively SEEK a spanking, because if we do, then it is US in control and not THEM. To be honest, I am more than happy with the distance we've come, and although I would like to go a little further I have to trust that Dan knows me better than I know myself, and could be anxious about how I might react. I have to say I prefer spankings of any kind that end in sex, although these days they are more often the "bend over the bed - twenty with the paddle" variety followed by a good hug.

    If you solve the equation, let me know how you did it.

    Hugs
    Ami

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