I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I'm at a loss

Does everyone talk to themselves – I don’t mean out loud necessarily, or coming back with a full answer, but do you talk to yourself in your head? It’s a constant with me. It always has been. Maybe that’s why I blog in the first place. I look forward to comments so mine is not the only voice I have to listen to. There’s nothing wrong with self-talk, sometimes it can really help us. But what do you do when all your self-talk is negative.

I’d been doing pretty well lately. I wasn’t feeling down or anything. When something tried to make me unhappy I just pushed it away – refused delivery, so to speak. I was looking forward to the New Year and getting off to a good start on the weight loss. But that’s when I started sabotaging myself. I never meant to but all I can hear in my head is “What’s the use?”, “You know you won’t stick with it.” “Just stop trying to kid yourself.” “The experiment is over, accept it and move on.” Occasionally I can tell myself to shut up but I haven’t been able to generate any positive conversations in my head.

I’ve not going to bother Nick about it. I don’t know what I would say to him, certainly nothing I haven’t said a million times before. I’m assuming he no longer reads here or any of the other blogs I’m linked to. He used to but I guess he’s lost interest in that too. Tracy explained some of what I’m feeling here and she did a great job of capturing the feeling of loss. I wondered if Nick would say (email) something about my post, On a scale of 1 – 10, but he didn’t.

When I think back on why I wanted this life style I realize it’s not only the spanking I craved. It was the joy of talking and teasing about it sometimes. A little bit of dominance once and a while, the closeness we achieved by sharing this special secret we had that no one else in our real life would ever understand. We had it at the beginning. Maybe it was just a honeymoon thing – something new and exciting to try. But damn, I miss it.

I wish this was a fiction story. If it was Nick could just grab me and spank all the problems away. But it’s not and maybe I don’t even want it anymore after all. I don’t know. A while back Nick made me a weight goal for the end of January, for all I know he still has it in his mind to ‘do something about it’ if I don’t make goal. I can’t make myself care one way or another. If he does it’s just like he’ll be going through the motions for me. I’m not sure it’s worth his effort because getting whacked on the butt is not what it’s all about. I am NOT mad at Nick. I’m just disappointed that the experiment didn’t take. We’re better off than we were. But I miss what we had for a while. There is nothing Nick can do or say to change anything. My head's got hold of me now and I’m the only one that can do anything about the way I feel. I’m just not sure how to do it.


  1. Oh, hon - you know I feel you. It feels like a secret lover has died and something that made us just a little more "special" than other couples has gone with it. And then we feel a guilty for feeling that way, because the guys we have are just so wonderful in every other way. I wish I had words of wisdom, but since I clearly don't, I'll just offer a big hug.


  2. PK- don't give up hope. It is hard and disappointing, but you never know when they might just turn around. I am grateful my hubby let me seek outside the marriage. For long time though, I felt like I had a dirty secret until I blogged it. It is hard when you have a wonderful marriage, which it sounds like you do. Just keep talking,and as a friend of mine says~holding hands together. Good luck with the dieting...keep it up.

  3. PK, all I can say is keep loving, it may turn round.
    This can be a very depressing time of year, hang in there it could get better.
    Love and warm hugs,

  4. So am I PK, I just don't know what to suggest to help. Don't give up.

    Love and hugs to you my friend,

  5. Tracy,
    I appreciate the hug more than you can know. I know we have many of the same concerns.

    You're certainly right about the importance of blogging. I don't know what I'd do with out all of you here.

    I know we'll keep loving and having you here helps everything.

    Just leaving a comment help more that you know.

  6. Anonymous12:44 AM


    I thought I was the only one who constantly talks to myself in my head. I will carry on nice conversations with myself. Least I haven't started talking out loud to myself.


  7. Hmmm..thought i had left a comment here....but guess the grinches ate it. I so know about those little voices. They usually get me into trouble. Bloggin is much safer...lol. Hang in there...all things ebb and flow....

  8. Sounds like most of us have been there done that!

    Hang in there Hon...things always get better!

    Love you,