Don't read this.

You have had your warning. Men, if you continue reading you will feel like the poor guy in Oprah’s audience the day they were talking about Va-jjs, cellulite and douching. And as for the ladies out here, unless you enjoy watching the coming attractions of horror films I would just pass this one on by. You have been warned, proceed at you own risk.

As you saw in my last post I am not in the best of moods at the moment. I am stressed, annoyed, depressed, fatigued, drained, apathetic, lethargic, and confused. Wish I knew something that would cure all this! Oh wait, I do! I wish Nick knew something that could cure all this and if he did know I wish we could have some privacy to see if it would worked.

Meanwhile to add to my over all well being I had to go to my OB-gyn for a biopsy on my uterine lining (I told the men to read somewhere else!). Nick came with me and as he patiently sat reading articles on stretch marks and breast feeding I got to have someone stab me with a sharp stick and pinch the hell out of my internal organs.

After that really fun stuff was over she began telling me of what I could look forward to in the future. It seems that in addition to the outward signs of aging – mainly the gray hair, wrinkles and watching our boobs gradually slide off our chest on their way to our knees, the rest of our internal organs try to fall out our vaginas. Well not all of them, just our cervix, uterus, bladder and bowels.

Have I cheered anyone up yet?

Okay it wasn’t all bad. All this aging does come with some minor perks. I not longer worry about embarrassment and I can say and ask anything I want. I was working with PA, a young black women, who for some reason thinks I am funny and seemed to enjoy talking to me. She was explaining some of these problems and saying she wanted the doctor to come look at one thing. I had told her that our sex life had improved recently and so this time I told her that we had recently begun trying anal sex and I wanted to know it that could cause any of the problems she was having the doctor check me for. She said not at all and good for us for trying new things! LOL! Yep we’ll try just about anything now days.

The doctor came in and we talked for a while. She asked me if I was alright from all the stabbing and probing. I told her I was fine and she said she was going to do an internal exam and would it be alright if the PA could watch. Sure why not, do I get part of the ticket sales?? It turned into a regular teaching session!

“Now look at this”. “Measure from here.” “Push down now like you are trying to have a baby.” “There, did you see that …” “The cervix looks great.” “See there is some prolapse but that is expected at this age.”

They kept at it until I started laughing. I mean for pity sake, I am half naked, feet in stirrups, I’ve been poked with a sharp stick, told I am so old my insides are trying to fall out and told to ‘push down’ numerous times. By this time I need to pee and ‘pushing down’ no longer seemed like such a great idea. The doctor started apologizing for the teaching session. I was still laughing a little – I knew I was going to have to tell you all about this visit. I told them “No problem, I’m a teacher at heart!”

But finally I got to sit up. They told me the results would be in next week and I was free to go. I headed to the waiting room to collect Nick and he asked me how it went. I just kinda rolled my eyes and he asked “So on the whole you would rather have been hit with a board?” SEE!! I knew he would come up with the right answer eventually!!