I need to learn to let go and give up control. I don’t mean this the way you might think. I am really not the controlling type. I don’t try to control Nick or the children. But I can’t just let go. For the first 23 years of our marriage I was very repressed in the bedroom. I just could not ‘let go’. When I think of letting go – screaming with passion my first thought is “How embarrassing!” My second thought is “Where the hell did that first thought come from?” Was this a feeling I picked up in my youth? It couldn’t have been from my mother – she barely acknowledged to me that sex existed (I don’t think she really acknowledged it to herself either.)
Now I am really proud of myself. Beginning early in the marriage on the letting go scale I was maybe a 1 – 1 ½ on a scale of 10. Since I came out and with Nick’s help and encouragement I would say I am now a 7 ½ - 8 easy! But I am selfish; I want a 10 or 11!
I see this in our spanking life too. I want to release more, be more vocal – I rarely make a sound. Of course I never made a sound during natural childbirth either. I remember thinking that if I lost control (of myself) I might never get it back again. Sometime I wish Nick would push my limits. I want to be able to yell ‘stop’ and ‘enough’ and ‘I won’t do it again’ without feeling that he is going to listen right away. I am not sure this is ever going to happen because above all else Nick is a gentleman and a gently man. Remember for him all of this is learned behavior. He has listened to all my wants and needs and has done so much for me. I don’t know if I should even ask for more. But I want my limits pushed!
I know I might be crazy. I mean it is so easy to say this is what I want as I set here comfortably on a lily white tushy and dream of what I think I want to happen. I might truly want to change my tune when he is coming after me with some wicked implement. If it does happen I know some part of me is going to wish I had left it alone while another part is going to be thrilled. And I know I wouldn’t want it this way every time we play. But the want is still there.
It is just that I know the nature of this fine man I married. If I say stop he will. Now I am not talking about using a safe word, any decent spanker would and should stop then. But since I know he will stop when I ask it makes me feel in control. This is the control I want to lose. Spanking is a safe place for me. If I could learn to lose control in that setting maybe I can learn to release control in other areas.
I love it when Nick and I discuss sex and spanking during the day. I love it when he asks me questions in emails or sometimes when we are just snuggling. But I hate questions when we are playing or making love. I know he want to make me happy – he wants to know what I want – but what I want, what turns me on the most is to be told – what he is going to do, what he wants me to do. Not asked, told. For me submission and arousal go hand in hand.
So picture me like someone terribly afraid of heights yet dying to climb a mountain. I have come so very far but not I feel I am stuck somewhere near the top refusing to go back yet terrified to move forward. If any of you know how to help me continue my climb, I’m listening.