Trying again, I think - part two

Many might think emailing is a strange way for a married couple living alone to communicate, but it works for us. We each have time to think about what the other has said and give thought to our answers. Something I can't always do in a face to face, or even a hand to butt, conversation. You can check back here to the beginning of our exchange. 

Nick said:

I appreciate Liz’s arbitration and your acceptance that regardless of your assumptions you were amiss in acting without discussion. More on that later.

I think we agree that I’m not going to be looking over your shoulder and keeping up with your every move and telling you what to do.

I would prefer that you could view things with less of an all or nothing mentality.

I think we can still find ways to incorporate consequences but the challenges exist.

How can we have rules that are meaningful but are neither too difficult to achieve or too easy.  Can we create a situation where you are responsible for self-reporting in a way that gives me a hint.  For example “I didn’t meet my exercise objectives this week”.  Rereading the Corbin’s Bend story reminds me of the difficulty in matching my actions to your expectations. 

(I had asked him to re-read Returning to Us, my Corbin's Bend book to help him better understand what I have often thought and to show him what I thought he was thinking/feeling.)

(This next part hurt me to read it, but it was true.)

Although I have frequently heard directly or indirectly how I have failed in our attempts, I don’t feel like I received enough guidance or positive reinforcement when I was on the right track. I realize that is difficult without “topping from the bottom”.  A situation where Liz could have been more helpful, perhaps.

With all that you have written to me or in your blog over the years have you ever considered how much was based on your needs and desires versus how things could be better for me?

All of this said, it leaves a lot of room for more discussion (communication).

Back to the original issues. Tell your Butt to buck up. 

I await your thoughts.

I answered myself this time rather than going through Liz.

My thoughts aren’t earthshattering, but I’m trying to view things differently. I spent the first forty-nine years of life with some degree of fantasy about TTWD. It all lived in my head and I was content. Then I got the courage to come out and for the next dozen years we played around with it – sometimes doing well, sometimes not so much. This last couple of years really we haven’t done much and I went back to living in my head. That’s comfortable for me.

Your willingness/desire to bring it back up intrigues me. I’m certainly willing to give it another go. And you are definitely right that I concentrated on my needs rather than yours. I guess what I’m trying to say now is that now this is now your ball game to direct. Maybe that’s what my tentative submission should have been doing all along. 

I have no desire to direct, coerce, manage, expect, lead, beg, force, pressure, explain, demand or plead. I think we live happier when we practice TTWD, but if it’s not part of my real life I can still find it in my imagination and we can go back to being a regular vanilla couple.

Please don’t take this as, “Do what you want! I don’t care.” I’m not saying that at all. I will do my best an enthusiastic participant. But I’m taking your lead, and trying not to have expectations. I’ve had my say through thirteen plus years of blogging. It’s certainly time for yours.

How do you see this going? I’ll answer questions and discuss things if you’d like. If you suggestion things I really don’t think I can live with,  I let you know. But whatever happens, happens. Whether you choose to do weekly maintenance or spanking only comes up every couple of months, whether it’s a few pop on the butt in the kitchen or you have me begging for mercy in the bedroom – it’s up to you. I have no specific expectation.

I think the boat has sailed as far as submission goes. I thought that was what I wanted for a long time, but I can’t recapture the feeling. I am willing to listen to my husband and try to honor as many of his requests as I can. I'm willing to accept the  consequences when I don't. I don’t really know what’s on the table right now as far as what you’d like me to do or not do. I guess you’ll tell me when you share your thoughts. Please be as specific as you can be.

Today was good. I appreciated the time for reflection and contemplation.

Love you

I'll share the last of this particular conversation soon. Probably Monday.