I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Where TTWD has brought us - (part 5 - the final one)

You can read parts one, two, three and four by clicking on them.

I’d like to end up this probe into the world of TTWD with how Nick and I ended our original emails. I guess you know by now I’m a bit more long winded than he is. This is how I ended mine:

I told you that we could certainly keep up with the fun or sexy spankings as much as you’d like. When I said that you no longer had to worry with coming up with half-hearted reasons or rules to spank, I thought that you’d be on board at once. You surprised me by seeming to want to leave discipline on the table.

So, it’s back on the table. But I’m leaving it up to you. Wondering, hoping, worrying, anticipating, waiting just left me alternatingly anxious, disappointed, depressed and ultimately angry. I’m not doing that anymore. But if you feel a situation warrants it, if you feel a spanking will be beneficial to me or to us – whether it’s to make me do something I need to do or stop something I need to stop, or just to bring us closer for the moment – then do it! I won’t say no. I will, of course, protest that I don’t deserve a spanking – that’s simply standard. All spankees say that before any spanking.

What I really want for us is just to be happy with one another. I would love us to talk
about many things. Email and text are fine. Seems sometimes that all we really discuss is politics, and thank God we agree! Maybe I can relax now that I’m giving up preconceived expectations. But I want us to talk and touch and laugh and tease about anything and everything. I like us being able to snuggle in bed and that you tell me good-by and that you love me when you leave in the mornings. I love when you pop my butt when I bend over. I like you pointing out the rawhide whips to me at the horse auction and I really like you not buying it! Maybe I’ve made this too heavy in my mind and I just need to lighten up. So I’m freeing it, or trying to – it may happen, it may not I’m not going to worry either way. I’m just going to keep on loving you and hope you keep on loving me.

These were Nick’s final thought, before he’d read mine:

I hope I still have the green light to spank you when I think you need one, or just because I want to!  I hope an approaching birthday at your advanced age won’t adversely affect your position.

My thoughts on this subject may be different from yours but I want what is right and helpful for us.  I don’t want to take a step backward.  I want us at our best, not just roommates.

Think about things and maybe we can find our way.

I love you.

He really is such a good guy. 

Now about that birthday crack, I told him:

As I said in my email, you do still have this green light. Also note, I lied about my age when we married. I was only two.

His response:

Just a note for now: Lying about your age may get you in trouble. You've heard of law cases where awards are doubled (punitive damages).

A day or so later, Nick emailed:

Please write me a little report on how things are going in any relevant areas. Let me know about current gym activities, classes etc.

Consider whether regular updates would be something you can provide.

I answered:

I made it to the gym twice this week and rode the bike two days and I’ve watched what I ate. The scale was down this morning.

I’ve thought and thought this morning trying to be precise on how I’m feeling. You know the core of all this stuff for me is more emotional than factual. I think I’m feeling cautiously, pleasantly optimistic. I’m working hard to release any TTWD expectation, for either of us and just see what happens. So far it’s working and I’m feeling better.

I could probably send updates if you like. Weight updates and gym visits aren’t hard to report. More helpful might be me sharing how I’m feeling. That might not be that hard either. Convincing myself you really want to hear it– now that’s much tougher.

I also told him one of my concerns: 

One big change is what I can take. Do you remember when we started. You seemed genuinely surprised at the type of spanking I could handle – both in forcefulness and in duration. I felt like I could take anything you could dish out and then some. I can’t now and I’m not sure why. But I know a great deal of it was mindset. When I believed it was going somewhere – that there was a solid reason behind what we were doing, a lifestyle we were striving for, I went off in my head and I could ‘take it’. Without that feeling in my head, when it seems like it’s not for a purpose, it just hurts like hell and I can’t take much.


His reply to this was:


As far as regular updates, let's consider it mandatory at least for the next few months, facts, feelings, etc.  I think it might keep us both focused. You decide on a day of the week preferably Thursday or Friday, and let me know when to expect.  Don't just give me the good news or even news you think I want to hear.  If you have weeks when you haven't given the reasonable effort on housekeeping, exercise or something else give me the honest report and we will go from there, no contracts, no promises.  

As for not being able to take a reasonable spanking any more... toe the line or toughen up!  Plan on a little practice in toughening up tomorrow. 
  
That pretty much brings everything up to date. We’re communication. We both seem more happy and relaxed. Mostly we’re waiting to see what happens. There are few expectation on either of us. I emailed him Thursday with my thoughts and updates. And it’s my intentions to continue for a few months as he asked.

Thank you for taking letting me lay all this our here. It helps me more than you know and if it’s helped any of you, then that’s a real bonus. Thanks for being here for me.





26 comments:

  1. Good for you both, PK! I'm glad this whole process has been good for you to write about... Nick, too! Don't forget to write about one of the spankings gone right if it does! Woo! Hoo! Hugs! Windy

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    1. I just need to write him each week - or I may have that spanking to write about.

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  2. Hi PK, this made me smile. What wonderful communication, good on you both for being so open and honest with each other. It sounds as though you are on the same page which is awesome:)

    Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us, lots of lessons and I know many of us have faced similar issues and would have benefited greatly from reading. I hope writing here has helped you through this process too.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I do feel our communication is better - not perfect, but we're working on it. And writing really has helped.

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  3. Hi PK,

    How wonderful that you two still want "what is best". I love how you are so close you both came to the "same" conclusion with out reading each others email (green light). That to me marks a very strong marriage. Sigh.

    I think the best advice I have recieved in starting this journey is to not use anyone else's rules on how our DD/TTWD should be or look like. While we are still beginning and growing, being free from the expectation of how DD/TTWD should be has forced us to rely on what I think is the most important thing: communication. At the same time, a little spanky fun wouldn't be remiss! *grin*

    Boo

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    1. It's often a 'the grass is always greener' situation. But you're right, each couple has to make it work for them.

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  4. Sounds great and I hope it meets all of yours and Nick's expectations.

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  5. I really liked your illustration on Monday about flowers. It's just not the same if you have to ask. Also, whoever said it still puts you in control, was right. And that's precisely what you don't want.
    Nick sounds like he really wants this too. I'm sure he loved it at the beginning because of all the great sex, but as communications deteriorated (on both sides) you lost momentum. The silence you both resort to is totally damaging. Why is it that our deepest desires are so hard to express? You're not afraid of losing Nick. You know he loves you.
    It sounds like you're on a good track for both of you. Is there any way that you can make a determination to not 'close down' when you start to question whether he is losing interest? A promise to yourself that you won't let your own imagination take you to a bad place before you've even talked about it with Nick? I think you sometimes feel like you're not worth his effort so you don't want to bring it up and get hurt. But that's the time he needs to hear from you so he can (and I think WILL) reassure you. You're doing so well now and I'm so happy for you. The ups and downs will come but they won't be so extreme if you both keep up what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with you writing to Nick and saying, "Where are you?" when he's slacking off. He'd get that right away. Maybe subtly isn't what's needed here. I'm just thinking ahead about this. Mostly, I'm just happy for what you're doing right now.
    Rosie Dee

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    1. We do both want it. I hope we're both willing to work for it. It's hard to say what will happen. We've both wanted it before but we're both bad at sticking with the communication. But I'm going to write him every week - that has to spark some kind of dialogue.

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  6. Deena5:11 PM

    I loved this so much. Sounds like with the promise of dropped expectations, Nick is more comfortable. He also has a great sense of humor which I am sure you appreciate. Best to you both in moving forward together :)

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    1. I do love his sense of humor. No expectation is really going to help me, I hope it helps him.

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  7. This is hysterical - you were married at age 2. PK, it sounds like you two both want the same thing. Play with each other, like you are 2, or 22 and you'll see how magnificent things can be. Hugs to you both.
    Amy

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    1. In my defense, I was a very mature 2. I know I need to take things about TTWD less serious and I could, it there were occasionally a few serious moments scattered through.

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  8. Lots of love shining through this post, PK ... you'll figure it out together and when Nick retires, you'll have even more time to chart a course that works for you ... nj ... xx

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    1. My rear might already feel that he has a little too much time on his hand now. LOL!

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  9. Well, things are looking up now, keep the communication going. Hope the toughening up practice went well!
    Rosie xx

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    1. I think it went pretty well.

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  10. Hi PK, :) I've read all of the parts to your posts. So happy that you are communicating. Things sound like they are really looking up for you both! That's super! I think that you are really onto something, with letting the chips fall where they may. No expectations, but taking it as it comes. If you can go there, it can really make a difference, I think. Also, don't forget positive reinforcement- ie. if something that he does really pleases you, tell him. Everyone likes to hear about those good things, and it helps our partners/spouses, IMHO.

    I too hope that your practice session went well! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. You're right about the positive reinforcement. It's always needed. But I think equally important is to let go of expectations.

      Yep, it went fine.

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  11. Hi PK, I’m late here and need to go back and read. I was trying to keep up! Sheesh, life.
    You guys are so good at always coming back to your desires, wants and needs. Some may not care. You both do!
    I remember beginning this journey and my guy did ALWAYS threaten... and did spank at times, but I wanted to stipulate when I got it. Play, discipline OR when I deserved it in my mind! Control. I still try that at times! Letting go is hard!
    I’m glad you both continue to discuss what you want!

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    1. I think I have given up trying to control things. Sometimes thats a good thing. I can't always tell if I'm giving in or giving up.

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  12. I am smiling for you both

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  13. Just wanted to say I am loving reading all your stuff. Working backwards but plan to keep going for some time. Really enjoying it and looking forward to continued reading!!

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    1. Jenny, I'm so glad you came by and took the time to speak. I go back for many years, feel free to wander and please email anytime. elisspeaks@yahoo.com

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