When is it time to give up?

I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the past few months. We’ve been working at TTWD for over a decade. But when nothing, or very little, has happened that could be call TTWD for months and months – then I wonder, have we stopped?

Is this a lull or is it dead? If you’ve read here long, you’ve seen a pattern. Nothing for a while, then Nick will mention something and I get all excited and then within a few weeks it seems we’re back to nothing and without meaning to or wanting to, I sink into depression. Not serious depression, I know some who have serious problems with depression and that’s not me. But I get sad. Then I get quiet. Then I go away. Not physically, but I retreat into my own little world. I know others of you have mentioned doing the same.

I go quietly, almost silently and yet while I’m there I sometimes blame Nick for not noticing. Even though I leave no clues at all. Not very fair, huh?

Over the last few months I decided, on my own, that I was done. I was done fighting for something that wasn’t going to happen. I was done pushing poor Nick into a lifestyle that he never asked for and probably never understood. I love my husband more than he can know, but I decided I’d let this part of our lives go. I didn’t ask him or discuss it with him, I just decided in my heart that I wasn’t going to bring it up again – ever.

I was okay with my decision. I was sad for a while, but I took stock and we were okay. We’re together, we’re healthy, and things are calm and pleasant. Not a bad marriage of nearly thirty-five years.

But then Nick emailed. My heart didn’t soar this time when I read it. My thoughts were, No! I’m not doing this again. I just got back to okay. I’m not climbing to the peak only to plunge to the bottom again when it all stops.  ‘Okay’ was feeling pretty good.

In his email, he asked me about my weight change with in the past six months. He asked how I was doing with my sugar and how much I was exercised. I answered his questions but then I added,

“I answered your questions because I think any husband has the right to ask these questions of his wife. Not because they’re your responsibility. You are officially relived of that burden.”

I went on to say, “It’s not that I’m withdrawing consent, I’m just accepting reality. I’m not interested in a game played once or twice a year. I’m not mad, I’m not upset and I think we’re good. Most couples don’t live the lifestyle and have long and happy marriages. You gave it a try and I love you for it! I know you are the best husband in the world and I tell people that often. This is not an email of bitching and moaning, it’s simply one acknowledging facts.

Another fact is that I love you.

There was more, but this is what it boiled down to.

I wasn’t sure how Nick would respond. I wasn’t sure he would respond, though I felt he probably would. He did. He acknowledged some mistakes and problems on his part. And he pointed out some seriously problems and mistakes that I had to accept responsibility for. He was accurate in his observations.

His final observation was, “At this point I feel that you do in fact deserve a spanking for retreating silently and consider giving up.”

Most of what I felt at that point was confusion – what I’ve always wanted vs. a mature well thought out decision to step back. I took twenty-four hours to think about what I wanted to say in my answering email.

I’ll post most of the email tomorrow.