One more time, with FEELING!

New post at Cassie's Space yesterday.

I don’t really know if I should be posting or emailing Nick. I guess most of what I post out here is really for Nick. I mean if you’re a woman who wants/needs to be spanked you probably already understand what I trying to say. When you think of it like that I guess blogging is a little like preaching to the choir. In my case it’s Nick’s interpretation of what I’m saying that is the most interesting to me. That’s what matters the most. Followed in a close second to all my friends who comment to assure me they do know what I’m talking about and that I’m not crazy.

I feel like I’m at a real crossroads health wise. At my physical last week my doctor told me that if things remain the same it’s a matter of when, not if, I develop diabetes. Why this doesn’t scare me into doing something I have no idea. I mean I know I wouldn’t be a good diabetes patient. I’d cheat, it’s that simple. I know what that hideous disease will do to me if left unchecked. I want to live a long life with my husband and I want to bounce grandchildren on my knees. But I’m not losing the weight. I am on blood pressure medication now and cholesterol medication is in my future. My knees hurt. I lack energy. And let’s not even talk about what I see in the mirror. I’m not happy with myself this way.

So let’s see what doesn’t work to get me to lose weight.

• Knowing the medical consequences that are coming

• Not liking how I look

• Weight watchers meeting (I’ve tried but the leaders are just too perky for me)

• Expecting will power to control the amount of junk I eat

• Knowing I should exercise and having a membership to a gym (I do realize that paying the membership alone won’t really help)

Well, let me think if there is anything that can help me lose weight.

• When I first came out to Nick and we decided I should be losing at least ½ a pound a week – no excuses, or I would get a hard spanking. When this TTWD was brand new and we were both excited at how much it was changing our lives and our feelings for one another. When I realized other friends out here were struggling with similar problems with weight. When all these things kicked in I lost 40 pounds in two years.

Hmmmm… I guess that make all my current weight problems all Nick’s fault. Right?

Wrong!!

My weight problems are 100 % my fault. I eat wrong, I don’t exercise. The responsibility is mine. I know the facts and I am the one making the decisions. But with all that I still really, really want Nick’s help because I know that is the only things that has worked for me.

He has stepped up lately and I really do appreciate it. But dog-gone-it he is too nice! He is such a kind, good hearted man he will let me talk my way out of nearly any consequences. He needs to realize that once I gave my consent to be spanked (and for me/us that is a lifelong consent) it is now my responsibility to try to talk him out of any spanking he decides to give!! I mean that’s the way it’s DONE! And it’s his responsibility to ignore me and spanking anyway. What can possible be confusing about that?

Sigh, he doesn’t like to make rules – I crave them, for me it makes things soooo much easier. His one rule “No shacking in you chair” is clear and simple and I haven’t broken it once since he made it, even this weekend while he’s been gone. Now the ‘no playing bouncing balls until I’ve exercised or done a half hour of house work’ I’ve not done so well (of course he only made that one for a week, so…). Anyway, I broke that one a time or two and he knows it but so far has let me talk my way out of any consequences for doing so.

Quite plainly here is what I need –

• I need Nick to learn to be a bad ass sometimes. Like ‘If you do (or don’t do) A then B IS going to happen.

• I want us to work together to establish reasonable goals and guidelines.

• I need Nick to wear me out if I don’t stick to the plan. (I didn’t lose any this week and he came through for me and spanked me before he left on his trip. It stung for sure but I know I need more – I know my behind is going to have to really feel it before my mind decided to take this all seriously.)

• Whether this happens once a month, once a week, twice a week, daily or twice a day – whatever, it needs to be kept completely separate from any fun spanking and love making. Somehow hearing ‘you better exercise next week or else’ followed by a wonderful spanking and a mind blowing orgasm is just not a deterrent!

I’m almost 55 if I don’t get a handle on this soon I don’t know if it will ever happen. I want to be healthy, not skinny. And I want the good feeling I had when I was losing a little each week and the feeling of Nick having my back (or backside, whatever).

There it is Nick, I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give – call it deterrent, punishment, consequences, discipline, motivation or reminders it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to call it anything, you can just say “go get the…” and taken it from there (but can we negotiate something besides the cane? Please?)

I’ll let you guys know how things go.