Monday, August 01, 2011

Still thinking and thinking

It always surprises me that after thinking about TTWD for most of my life, after blogging about it and trying to put it into practice for five years; I’m still amazed when I have an ‘Ahh- Haa’ moment about it. But it does still happen. I’ve come to realize that there are two major things I want from TTWD.

The first thing I wanted from it was an improvement to our sex life. And it worked! Our sex life went from ‘Fine, go ahead, try not to wake me,’ to a fantastic. We’re willing to try anything, we buy toys, we experiment, and we have a happy and playful sex life. We have sex more often and for me, it is completely satisfying. I know this improvement is directly related to TTWD because I always knew this was the trigger for me. I always knew this was the way to reach the sexual part of me but I wouldn’t share that information with Nick because I always thought it was too strange and might make me too vulnerable. Chalk another one up for my fellow bloggers who gave me the confidence and courage to come out to him.

There is the second side of TTWD that I want just as badly. It’s what I talk about in this post. I want the emotional part. It’s so much harder to describe and to put in practice. Spanking and all that goes with it makes me feel safe and cared about. You can’t get much more open and trusting with your spouse than to be naked and allowing, encouraging, even longing for them to spank you (even if you feel you’ve had enough for that particular moment!) I’ve never really cried during a spanking and I’ve given up hoping for it really. If it comes, it comes, but that’s yet another level of openness that I haven’t reached yet.

But in addition to that, I want all the little things that come with the closeness TTWD can bring. I want us to feel like we are the most important person in each other’s lives. I want Nick to wait and walk into a store with me, sometimes he forgets and gets pretty far ahead. I love it when he takes my hand when we’re out somewhere. I want to take the time to talk about ‘us’ sometimes, to talk about TTWD and how it’s working. I want to shop for pervertables together. I’d love all these little things. We don’t have to do them all the time but I would love to think Nick thinks about them sometimes.

I’m pretty sure if we took these two separate aspects of TTWD, the improved sex side of it and the improved emotional sided of it, Nick would come down hard and firm on the better sex side. I think a lot of men would. But if we had to pick – one or the other, I’d probably come down on the emotional side. I understand Nick’s side of it – better sex is physical, it’s immediate and he can fully understand it. Emotions are much trickery to understand and deal with. Let’s all say it together ‘Men and women are different!’ But there is really good news here – we don’t have to choose!!! We can have both! We have to work to balance it but it isn’t that hard to do.

My biggest problem with TTWD is when this ‘better sex/better emotion’ scale gets too far out of balance. When I feel the only time he spanks me is when he wants sex then I get depressed and start to withdraw.

I’m hoping now that we’ll have the privacy, then when Nick’s in a sexy mood he might say “I’ve decided that in a few minutes I’m going to tie you to the bed and spank your ass red with every toy in the box until my arm gets tired. Then I’ll decide whether I want a BJ or whether I’ll just f**k you until you can’t walk tomorrow.” Whoopee! I’ll go for that!! But along with that I need him to sometimes say something like “You’re getting a spanking today. You haven’t paid any attention to what I’ve told you about (whatever)” or “You’re getting a spanking because you're too stressed” or “You’re pulling away from me and I won’t have it, you’re getting a spanking to get your head in the right place.” Get the general idea? In those cases I want and need a good firm spanking with just some hugging and tender words after.

I have great hope that this will happen. Soon we won’t be limited to one day a week when we know Mollie is going to be out of the house. I don’t expect Nick to go out and buy a white horse and a knight suit. I don’t expect him to spend every waking moment thinking about TTWD and ways to keep me happy. But judging from the last few days I think there is great hope for some wonderful changes.

Written by PK at 1:00 AM

12 comments

12 Comments:

At 8:27 AM, Blogger Paul said...

PK, you are definitely not wrong.
I hope that this happens for you.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger K's sweetie said...

I'm hoping for that for you too. You are exactly right. TTWD manifests itself in all those ways...physical and emotional...but the only way to get to those places (without the extremes) is through lots of open and honest communication. I think you're getting there....hang on to those good thoughts!

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Meow said...

I totally agree about the sex. Wow! What a difference when I can be open about what I need.

I'm also with you 100% on the emotional side. It's taken me 2 years to really cry during a spanking and it all came from working on stuff inside me, not from anything he did. I posted about it a couple of days ago (Tears - not sure if you read it). Don't give up hope!

The little things are also very dear to me. I sometimes long for more but I'm learning to ask for what I want.

Sex is physical, but so is spanking and the more Lash does it, the more he likes it. He is planning to post about the stages he went through on the way to where he is now - loving it!

Maintenance really helps us because it provides the time to talk intimately. I've made some important connections between my feelings and my past right after a spanking when he holds me and we talk.

Sorry I'm writing a book here, but our situations seem so similar. I told Lash about my desire for spanking years ago, so I went through all the early hard stuff before we started DD. Now we're working out the deeper emotional things and it's just getting better. It will for you, too! I can feel the love you have for each other and that's the solid ground that you build from.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Surrendering Slowly said...

Our sex life went from ‘Fine, go ahead, try not to wake me,’ to a fantastic. ' great quote! and one that I also understand and agree with. What a difference it makes. In fact when we are not actively practicing DD. sex is one of the first noticeable things to fall. and one of the first to pick back up again. I gotcha

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous abby said...

PK...Your blog is almost a road map for couples. Thank you for your honest and open posts!
abby

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger kiwigirliegirl said...

PK you will get there, I know it in my heart. I can feel it. I think you should let Nick read this post. I think this post is the all important one for him to know what is in your heart. Let him read it, process it and then talk about it. Hang in there, :) I know its tough knowing what you want and never being sure you will get it, but I think you will. Let him read this post :)
love and big hugs xxx

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger Kay said...

I'm hoping the best for you! Hang in there! I can't wait for you to give us the positive news that I know is coming soon! :D

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks Paul,
I think it really may be happening.

K’s Sweetie,
Communication is very, very tough for me. I can write better than I talk but I know I need to talk more. But Nick thinks on his feel so much faster than I do (why I like to write) when we talk if he doesn’t understand I sometime get my feelings hurt and then I clam up.

Meow,
I did read your post and I didn’t even know what to say because it was so much what I wanted and didn’t think it was possible I was at a loss.

I’m looking forward to reading what Lash has to say. I’ve suggested maintenance several times over the year but it never seemed to appeal to Nick. I don’t mind a ‘book’ anytime. I love that people care and offer thoughts and suggestions.

SS,
It’s so true! When Nick helps me with the emotional side of it I feel sexier and our sex life does pick up. If more men only knew!

Abby,
It’s been a long and winding road at times but being able to write – to really think it all out has helped enormously.

Kiwi,
Nick is always free to read any of my posts. Over the years I think he reads often but I don’t know that he reads everyone. Once we’re alone I’ll email him this if I don’t think he’s read it.

Kay,
From your keyboard to God's ear.

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

PK: That was a very thoughtful post with a lot of good points. And I'm happy for you that you have great hope that wonderful changes are going to happen.

I know you will miss the kids but I hope the empty nest leads you to have better couple time in the lifestyle.

Good luck and all your blogger friends are rooting for you.

FD

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger ronnie said...

I do love your posts PK. Always so honest, that's what I love about you.

I think things will change for the better, I'm keeping everything crossed.

Love,
Ronnie
xx

 
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must be silly, but what does TTWD stand for?

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger PK said...

FD,
It helps to know that so many friends are pulling for me.

Ronnie,
Having you all to write to helps me. As I write my posts I find out more and more about myself.

Anon,
You are not silly. When I first began reading I had to ask someone too. TTWD stands for 'this thing we do'. In our case, spanking.

 

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