I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, July 28, 2011

The best rule ever.

I told you I would share the rule that I felt helped our marriage more than anything we had done. Here is the rule Nick gave me:

You must send me an email each week telling me what you are thinking and feeling. I want to know – happy, sad, mad, misunderstood, ignored, lonely, excited, joyful, confused… whatever you are feeling. I want to know it.

Wow, I was stunned. Nick made this rule? He made this rule after a long and difficult talk we had one evening. I was feeling down and very emotional and I finally got the courage to open my mouth and talk to Nick about those feelings. It was so hard for me, you can’t even imagine. You see I have never felt like Nick really wanted to hear my feelings, doubts, insecurities, fears – any emotions.

This is why I've felt this way. Have you ever said something that accidentally hurt someone else? Maybe it was a child or your parent or your spouse. You don’t even remember saying it, you certainly didn’t mean it to hurt, but you find out later that it did hurt that person and that they still carry it around with them. That happened to Nick and me and it was over 30 years ago. I was feeling confused then too and since there was no internet I wrote him a letter explaining how I was feeling.

Nick was raised in a family that’s not really touchy feely and rarely share their emotions. They love each other deeply and that’s easy to see. But discussing feelings has always been a foreign concept to them. Nick had a one sentence response to my letter; he asked “Why are you doing this to me?” Unfortunately, that sentence bore into me and it has stayed with me more firmly than any other thing Nick has ever said to me. I’m sure at that moment I began back peddling. I have no doubt I said something like “Don’t worry, it was just silly stuff. Just forget it. It wasn’t important, never mind.” And all the while I was saying it I was hearing thick iron doors being slammed and multiple locks clicking in place within me. I knew then and there he did not want to be bothered with that mess and for the next 25 years I didn’t make an attempt.

He was not being harsh or hateful and I know that now. I know what he was saying was, “I love you and we’re happy. Why do we need to bring up all these feeling that are so confusing and I don’t know how to deal with them. Can’t we just concentrate on our happiness and leave all these feelings and emotions out of it? I don’t know how to deal with them and I don’t want to.”

When Nick and I talked and he made that rule, asking – no, insisted that I share my thoughts and feelings with him on a weekly basis I was stunned. I didn’t believe it. But I gave it a shot and it was great. I loved telling him when I was happy and what a good week I thought we’d had. I could thank him for a spanking I’d received or some great loving. I could also share when I was mad or hurt, maybe by him or even when it was something at work. But I could tell him! He wanted to hear! I still couldn’t believe it. Sometimes the week would get away from me and I’d miss my deadline or forget to write it at all, and he would spank me for forgetting. I was always stunned, could it be that he really wanted to know these things?

But it didn’t last. After many months I quit writing for one reason or another. He quit asking about it, or insisting on it or spanking if I didn’t do it. So I was pretty sure I had been right to begin with and he didn't want to hear all that. We went back to pleasantly co-existing. I’m still happier that I was before I came out but sometime I wonder what it would be like to really come out, to be completely opened, nothing held back. There is a fear in me. I don’t know it’s origin but it’s there. I’m not letting anyone in the whole way. They will see the real me and won’t like her and I’ll be alone. It’s a stupid fear. There’s no basis for it. My parents were the most loving and caring parents. I was always secure and happy as a child. Nick has been the best husband ever. He hasn’t looked at another woman in 30 years and I’ve never had any desire to look at another man. My friends, here and in real life, are close and supportive. Where does the fear come from and will it ever go away?

I still think this is the best rule ever. I think all married couples should do it. You don’t have to write a book each week – but you can if you want to. Nick usually answered, which I loved. Even when I wrote a book his responses were usually only a few sentences long but that was fine. He’ll never love writing the way I do.

Maybe I will talk to Nick about it as we’re settling into our empty nest. It could bring new closeness or it could bring annoyance. It’s pretty easy for me to ignore it all and sailing is still pretty smooth. Often when I think of sharing with Nick I ask myself “Why are you doing this to me?”


This is important –

I wrote the above earlier and between writing that, and reading the comments left on my last post and a conversation I had with Nick last night, something finally dawned on me. I finally know clearly and completely what I want. It’s not spanking – erotic or discipline, it’s not a dd marriage, it’s not rules, it’s not punishment, and it’s not dominance and submission.

I want the connection with Nick that I believe spanking brings.

It’s sharing the secret; it’s catching each other’s eye when a spanking reference comes up in the vanilla world and just knowing what the other one is thinking, it's knowing that he realized he can ask/tell me to do something and I’ll try, it's him loving me enough to spank me if I don’t keep up my part of the bargain. It’s touching in public, holding hands or having him pat my butt. It’s passing a pervertable in a store and pointing it out to one another.

Because of my lifelong connection to spanking that’s the path I’ve chosen to try to get what I need. I know it works. When I first came out we had it. Nothing in this world felt better than what we had during that time when we first opened up to each other.

You all know that Tom and Cassie are my fantasy couple. They have been in my head for 45 years. I was drawn to their wonderful spanking relationship, but that’s not all of it. If Nick spanked like Tom there would only be two choices – divorce or murder. It might have been spanking that drew me to them initially, but what has held me for over 4 decades is the total and complete love they had for each other, the fact that they absolutely adore each other, through thick and thin, and always will.

So when it comes to their love story, I feel like nodding at Cassie and saying ‘I’ll have what she’s having’ but it still scared the hell out of me. To love like that, to be loved like that make you completely vulnerable. I have all those iron door and rusty locks to break through it’s going to take time. But maybe, if Nick and I both start working on them together, just maybe we’ll get through them.

14 comments:

  1. Anonymous3:44 AM

    I hope you can. I wish you better luck than I had with my now ex husband after 24 years. You are a very luck woman.

    Best wishes

    C

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  2. PK. I think, I hope that you can do this together, I'm with you all the way.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  3. I absolutely love that rule! That's one of the things that's hard for me to share, as well, and it's not easy for most men to deal with a woman's emotions.

    Kitty

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  4. WOW...love that rule. I wish I heard of this years ago. You and Nick can get that closeness...I know it!
    abby

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  5. And I really believe you'll get it back again.

    I like that rule and I'm not one for rules as you know:)

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  6. What a great rule! And what great insight to realize what you really need, deep down inside. Rules and discipline can be one way of reaching that connection but not the only way that involves spanking. You've brought up some wonderful little moments that we and our husbands share when spanking is part of our lives. The winks, the smiles, the pats - they are so precious! I truly believe you are on your way to a place that you will love.

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  7. That is a great rule!! And I agree that it's about the closeness. I think you should start sending the emails again...

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  8. ive read and re-read your post. Its an absolutely wonderful rule - and I think you should try and take it up again. I hope you and yes absolutely whole heartedly agree its about the closeness. Good luck, I know you can get this again - I think from reading your post so far you are half way there :) keep us posted.
    LOve and big big hugs xxx

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  9. "There is a fear in me. I don’t know it’s origin but it’s there. I’m not letting anyone in the whole way. They will see the real me and won’t like her and I’ll be alone. It’s a stupid fear. There’s no basis for it. My parents were the most loving and caring parents. I was always secure and happy as a child. Nick has been the best husband ever..." These words really touched me to tears as I could have written them myself (replace Nick with my husband's name) and it expresses some of my own innermost feelings and fears. With me it also connects with weight - I had lost a lot of weight and all the sudden people started noticing me more and it freaked me out - I was afraid to be seen and subsequently gained back the weight. And with my husband I fear that he does not want to hear all my feelings - and often seems like he does not truly "hear" me when I do...I know that he loves me entirely...but he does not talk about or deal with emotions well...a challenge since I am a very emotional person. My fear is even present here in blogland - afraid to share my feelings in comments because someone might think they are stupid or naive. I love how open you are with us in your sharing. I love that Nick made that a rule for you. It is a great rule. I love what you said about connection. Connection is what it is all about for me too. You and Nick will find the closeness you seek...I know you will because the love you feel for each other is genuine. You have grown so much in your relationship and it will just keep growing. I hope you both revisit that rule. Hugs, Terps

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  10. PK: It is great that you have figured out what you want and that is a great rule.

    FD

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  11. Thanks C,
    I do feel lucky. I wish you hadn’t had to go through that. I hope a new love finds you.

    Paul,
    I know I have your support and I thank you. I’ll let you know what happens.

    Kitty,
    The rule was wonderful. Unlike talking I could take the time to think about what I needed to say and Nick had time to give it some thought before he responds.

    Abby,
    I hope you’re right. And it’s never too late to start the rule.

    Ronnie,
    I have everything crossed that it will happen. This doesn’t have to be a rule to be a really good idea – even vanilla couples would benefit from this.

    Meow,
    From reading your blog, I know that our marriages are very much alike. I feel like a made a real breakthrough yesterday in understanding myself. I really do know what I want and at least a way to start getting there.


    Rogue,
    I really think all of us are after the closeness. I may start again, maybe we all should.

    Kiwi,
    I’d like to take it up again but I can’t until I know he wants to mess with it. But I think there is a good chance. And I’ll for sure keep you posted.

    Terps,
    I know we have so many things in common. I appreciate this comment. It expresses your true feelings. Please start doing that more. You may not be ready to blog yourself but you need to comment more and you need to say what you feel. NO ONE here is going to judge you for your feelings. Maybe by commenting more you can understand yourself better. No one out here really knows each other in real life so it’s the safest place in the world to really be yourself. Give it a try.

    FD,
    I feel like I’ve won have the battle. We’ll see what happened.

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  12. I can't believe I'm just reading this wonderful post! Thanks for sharing!

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  13. Wow, that is the best rule ever! I'm going to try hard to convince Jay to adopt it for us too. Thanks for sharing it! You guys will get it back again, I know it!

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  14. Thanks Emily, I'm glad you liked it.

    Kay,
    I hope you can. I really do think it is a good marriage tool.

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