I've been thinking again

This is my weekend alone. Nick's off golfing. I really love Nick – but I also don’t mind a weekend alone once and a while. It was my hope to spend some of this weekend reading and writing fiction. But I have realized over time that stories, mine or Cassie’s, come when they are darn good and ready and not necessarily when you have the time to write. Anyway there was some real life running around in my head and it seemed to want some attention.

I read here so much – much more than I comment these days. Many of my friends now are somewhere near the beginning of introducing spanking into their marriages and sometimes I’m a little jealous. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s full of ‘what if’s’ wondering exactly where this adventure will take them. The husbands seem so actively involved, also doing their own wondering. Sometimes I feel like Nick and I are becoming dull. Such long periods of time passes, seemingly, without Nick giving any thought to spanking. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to pop in here with what I think Nick is thinking (in red). Bless his heart, I’m always having long conversations, discussion and sometimes fights with him all in my head without giving him any time for actually input. So if he were to read this right now he’d be say.

Now wait a minute. You have been exhausted when you get home. Work is overwhelming you, Mollie is getting ready for graduation, we’ve been worried about the dog, I’ve been tired from work too and I was getting ready for this trip. You grab up your computer and nurse it on your lap every evening seeming to not want to be bothered. You certainly haven’t acted like you were very interested lately, what was I supposed to think or do?

All true and he makes some good points. I am tired, I am stressed over a variety of things, but darn it – I’m a spanko! What does he think helps me in times like this? Since we began this spanking is often followed by sex – really great sex, I might add. But now I think (I know) Nick puts off any spanking activities until we have the time, privacy and energy for such an afternoon. Nick has never understood how much I need non-sexual spanking. Those spankings are for me, for my needs, to help me cope, to know that I am protected, watched over, cared for… thought about. I want him to spank me when there is nothing in it for him, other that a happier, more well-adjusted wife.

I communicate – I try to anyway. (Here she goes again.) It’s not like we haven’t gone over this before. Nothing stays fresh and new as it was in the beginning. Everyone gets lazy. I’ll tell you right now I’m the worst! We’re lucky, both of us can be pretty lazy about our relationship and it’s still good. I’m looking for GREAT! I like it when we tease more, point pervertibles out to one another, anytime we can steal those secret swats! As I write this I’m saying to myself – you are not being fair!! Nick does do things like this. And he does – but I’m greedy and I want more.

Rogue, at Rogue’s Awakening, often holds a mirror up to me without realizing it. When I read her wonderful blog I can see myself. I completely understood what she was saying in her post Helluva Wife. While I know Nick has no interest in real Dom/Sub or discipline relationship he knows I do so much better when I have a few rules or guideline. (Now wait – I’ve given you some rules and guidelines. You pretty much seem to ignore them. What’s the point?) Okay honey, the point is that you never, or rarely, back them up. You’ll give me a rule (maybe even one I want to master but haven’t had the self-discipline to make myself) but I don’t keep up with it because it’s hard, or takes too much time and energy, or I would rather do things exactly my way. When you see me slipping or going around the rule or just breaking it and you never mention it, much less spank me for doing it, I realize you didn’t really care about it in the first place. Then part of me feels uncared for too.

Now you know good and well I care about you. We don’t have a lot of privacy for spanking and you know it. Mollie is here most of the time. I try to do what I can when she is babysitting.

I love our afternoons when Mollie is away but come on, I break a rule or don’t do something you’ve asked me to – you mention it, spanking my butt for a few minutes then we have hot amazing sex. Boy that’ll make sure I won’t blow off that rule next time! I mean what’s a better deterrent that delicious hot sex!

But Nick has a good point. I really only feel comfortable having sex anymore when Mollie is out of the house. Our house is small, her bedroom right across the hall, and she stays awake late into the night. So if we do manage to get in a private afternoon I guess Nick doesn’t want to waste it with a non-sexual spanking.

I know some of you are thinking ‘maintenance ’. It just hasn’t worked around here. We’ve sorta tried; really we’ve just discussed it, but it's rarely happened. Several of us have talked about our husbands not wanting to spank us hard if they don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong. I understand their confusion and I share it in theory, but I still know what I need. What I want Nick to know is this. If there's a rule or something he does care about, he can tell me, and I’ll try to do what he wants. If I don’t and he feels a spanking would help the situation he knows I’m open to that. But if he’s satisfied he can live with me the way I am and rules aren’t his thing then this is what I would love to hear him say:

You need a spanking and you’re going to get one. If I don't spank you soon you’re going to start drifting again, getting the ‘who gives a shit’ attitude, you’ll be working on those walls again and pulling away from me. I’ve seen it happen time and time again and I don’t like it. I don’t understand why spanking works but I know it does. And if burning your bottom up every week or so keeps you happy and healthy; if it keeps us connected and keeps you from needing antidepressants or counseling then I’m going to do it. I don’t care if you’re in the mood or not. If you needed a pill to keep you healthy I wouldn’t let you wait until you were in the mood to take it - you'd take it because it's good for you and because I said so.

Now that would be great! He would have to do it regularly, which means he would have to remember. Hmmmm… that could be a problem. To me it sounds like a simple, inexpensive way to have a happy wife.

So this whole post is pointing out how much I need spanking in by life to feel my best, my happiest, my most mentally balanced and my most loved. When we go for long periods without a much needed spanking my mood spirals downward. It begins as a very slow, gradual spiral. I think longingly back to the last one, then I start wishing that there was another coming. After the longing and the wishing I start feeling like I really need one to clear my head and reconnect with Nick. Around this time I begin say to myself ‘Forget it, don’t bug the man. It’s really not that important’. But that isn’t really true. Not long after that (and this can be over a period of a month or longer) I start feeling hurt and begin to pull away followed swiftly by being pissed and saying “Screw it, what the use? Forget the whole f**kin’ thing!”

Unfortunately for Nick every one of these stages goes on completely internally with barely a ripple that anyone could see. I may become a little quieter but nothing shows until I’m to the pissed – stay the hell away from me, stage. What I’m wishing for is that he will spank often enough to catch me in the ‘I’m really wanting to reconnect’ phase rather than the ‘touch me and draw back a nub, you jerk!’ phase.

Don’t worry – I rarely get to that last stage, but it has happened. Mostly when it gets bad my mood sticks at apathetic.

See what happens when I have too much time to write! I go on and on and I have more. I know exactly what kind of spanking I want and I’ll post on that in a day or two.