I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, March 28, 2011

You’re not the Boss of Me!

What would you do if anyone, including your husband, told you to do something – or not to do something, and you know that they’re wrong? What would you say? What would you do? For me the answer is simple. I am an intelligent, mature, knowledgeable child of God. I could not in good conscience do something anyone told me to do if I felt it was wrong or not in my best interest or the best interest of those I loved. So where does this put me as a person who wished to be a (somewhat) submissive wife? Good question!

Nick is not the boss of me; he has never wanted to be. I don’t want a boss; I wanted a husband who is willing to lead – not drag. I wanted to feel cherished, cared for, protected but I couldn’t really feel any of that until I gave up some control and ask for it. I had to be willing to accept it. I was almost 50 years old when this happened for me. I had already proven to myself that I could handle everything I needed to handle. I had no doubt I could do it all alone if I had to, I just didn’t want to any more. When I softened and looked to him as a leader we have both been so much happier. We still each make many of our own decisions. I don’t ask permission to buy a new outfit, to go out with my friends or to visit my sister for the weekend. I pretty much just tell Nick my plans. He doesn’t ask my permission for the things he does, whether it’s a purchase or planning a golf trip with his friends. But the big things we discuss. When we discuss the big things and disagree, someone has to have the final word. The final decision maker changes according to what we are discussing.

If I want to remodel the house, take down a couple of walls and Nick says ‘no, not possible’ I’ll accept the fact that he is more knowledgeable on the subject (if he tells me it’s a load baring wall and the house will collapse if we take it down – I believe him). If the matter we disagree about involves the children, I nearly always get the last word. He loves them and he’s a fantastic father, but I was the one who was with them the most growing up. I was the one they talked to all the time and for better or worse I knew them better when they were little. Having this knowledge made me the one closer to understanding what they deal with and how to handle it. That didn’t mean Nick opinion and thoughts were ignored but I felt that I was still the one to make the final decisions.

It’s worked best for us to keep our rules and spanking infraction to the more mundane things, the little things that annoy him, the things I agree I should do better. These are the things for which I want to be held accountable by Nick, because I can’t seem to make myself do them without consequences. Things like not putting away my clean laundry, leaving dishes sitting beside my chair, blowing off exercise and then over indulging on snack and coming to bed late. I want to do better on these things and I do when Nick is standing there holding a paddle. I feel loved and protected when he holds me accountable for doing these things, when he cares enough to spank for infractions rather that just shrugging his shoulders and saying ‘whatever’.

One reason I wanted to write this post is that, because of the internet, younger and younger women are realizing that many out here are enjoying spanking relationships, that many couples have a good working DD relationship. I think that’s great, but I have also heard some of our youngest readers express interest in finding a partner to spank then and to whom they can be submissive. Please, just a word of caution here – if you are out there looking, don’t make finding a spanking partner your main focus. Find someone who loves and respects you for who you are. Before you think of giving your gift of submission to anyone, be sure you know them well enough to be sure that they deserve it. If you put finding a man to spank you and be dominate over you in front of finding a man who will love, cherish and respect you, realize that that could lead you to an abusive situation rather than what you are truly looking for.

Sorry, I’ll stop preaching now. I’m just so happy to have found this life style. I see how much it has improved my marriage and those of many of my friends I just want all those who long for this lifestyle to make sure you have the real thing and not some con-artist's view of it. Have fun, but be careful.


  1. Very well said, PK, and I am glad you put it out there. After YEARS of living and loving together, I am confident in my abilities as a wife....and a woman....to have this type relationship.

  2. Thanks for this wise post! I too worry about abuse under them guise of dd. I agree with you, submission is a gift and it should only happen in a healthy relationship, built on trust.

  3. Anonymous2:29 PM

    Excellent advice. I read a lot of these blogs and a couple of times I was actually concerned for the individuals involved. One wanted to turn herself completely over to her husband to be remade. The other's husband wanted to tweak everything about her to remake her to his specifications. To both, I wanted to ask: what about the person your husband fell in love with? Wasn't she good enough? What will happen to her?

  4. I echo...wise words for sure. DD, submission are not easy roads. I firmly believe you need to have a strong sense of self, to be able to submit to another. NO one part of you should shut out other parts...

  5. As usual very good insights from PK. This type of relationship can be very rewarding but there needs to be a lot of communication before it starts so the couple is on the same page. And there should be plenty of feedback during the relationship so both parties are happy with the way they are playing. This is especially important for young people. They showed remember that reality and fantasy tend to be two different things. And submission should never turn into abuse.


  6. Paul,
    You are so right and abuse is so opposite to what a true dd marriage is.

    It does take becoming an independent woman before you can make a relationship like this last.

    It’s a gift for sure and when it’s made by a mature woman it can turn a rocky or uninteresting marriage into something spectacular.

    When I’ve run across blogs like this I do worry. I wonder what happens if the men in these relationship get tired of their little Stepford wife. Is she thrown over for a greater challenge? Does she move onto another man to completely run her life? We must be competent, capable woman before we can make the decision to be submissive.

    You said it Abby! This is a decision we make that fulfills a need we have. It takes some maturity to come to this decision.

    Communication - the key to the whole thing. But you really reminded me of a major truth with your comment "reality and fantasy tend to be two different things" I had a firm fantasy of how a dd relationship would be. And I enjoy writing that fantasy but it is nothing like my real life. And in the end real life is what we have to work with.

  7. You make excellent points! There has to be a world of mutual love, repect and communication in a dd relationship...not to mention self-respect and self-esteem. Great post PK!

  8. Good post PK and wise words.


  9. Thanks Judy,
    I think those of us in a loving relationship forget how hard it is to bring this up. I'm glad we are here to support each other.

    I do feel strongly about some thing and I love having a place to say things.

  10. This post, what you wrote as well as the additional comments, is really good. I find your description of your relationship with Nick to be very much like my marriage. DD is a wonderful addition to an already happy life together. It has made our love more passionate and made me feel so very cherished. Some would not understand how this can be true. But I believe everyone here does. Thank you for these kinds of posts. They help me understand and appreciate what I have.
    Rosie Dee