Well that’s a good question. First off I don’t lie to my husband often. I don’t think I ever have about anything important. But yes there are times I don’t share the truth about little things with him. If not actually lying I am very good at avoiding things I don’t want him to know by simply keeping my mouth shut. And I’ve wondered about this lately.
I know one of the reasons is I hate to get fussed at, even a little bit – I’ve always hated it and avoided it at all cost, as a child, a young adult and now. Thank goodness I’m married to Nick. He is not a fusser. Regardless of what I’ve done he’s just not one to harp on things. But all husbands fuss occasionally and I will do anything to avoid it. Let me give you an example.
Suppose Nick asks me to mail a letter for him, no problem, I’m happy to do it. But when I take the letter the next day I forget to drop it in the box at work. So he asks me that afternoon “Did you mail my letter?” My first thought is ‘crap I forgot it, I’ll mail it first thing in the morning’. But what am I likely to say? “Sure I mailed it.” Now why would I say that if it wasn’t true? It isn’t even that important and I know he wouldn’t really be mad, but I don’t want to get fussed at. What would be the point? I feel bad that I forgot to mail it, I am going to mail it first thing in the morning, there is nothing I can do to change it – why tell him if he’d be annoyed?
An obvious question for this blog is – would I do the same thing if he were likely to spank me for not being completely honest? The answer is definitely yes and no. One part of me thinks that yes it would help – a few stinging swats rather than nearly any conversation about it would be much more likely to make a positive impression on me.
This is something I’m really just thinking about as I write this. I guess I don’t see the point in fussing. I’m pretty smart. When I’ve done something wrong I know it. I usually feel bad and often I’m beating myself up about it. So in my mind what would be the point of having someone else fuss – be it my parents or teachers (in the past), colleagues, friend or Nick now – I’m not going to feel any worse. I can’t change what I’ve done. Why sit and listen? In fact mentally I resent it – as a spanko I guess my deep feelings are “If you’re not going to do anything about then don’t even bring it up”.
I guess this wouldn’t bother me at all except I do realize that it is a barrier between Nick and me – maybe not a large one but I’m aware of it. In the past 4 years I sometimes I feel I’ve spending equal time in my life tearing down walls and then putting them back up. We’re soooooo much better than we ever were in the past but I realize I’ve had this barrier up a little with everyone in my life, my parents, my teachers, friends – everyone. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s like I keep a little barrier around me at all times. I am not going to let myself be vulnerable, even to something so minor.
If Nick and I do have a disagreement, if he raises his voice even a little, if he snaps at me, if he gives me that look like he’s mad or at me or thinks I’ve done something dumb it upsets me greatly. Not that he would ever know that. I never say a word. Now I have to say if you lined up a thousand husbands I know Nick would do these things less than any of them but it does sometimes happen. When it does I immediately get teary, then I get mad, then I go silent. In my head I’m thinking F – ‘em! Poor Nick would never even have a clue this was going on in my head, not a clue. Some things in my life I’ve mastered and masking my feelings is something I learned many decades ago.
I may be rambling but I’m trying to figure this out. If Nick did insist on complete disclosure on everything with the threat to spank if I kept things from him I know it still wouldn’t work. This is too firmly ingrained in me. Back to the not mailing the letter thing – I probably still wouldn’t tell him because I would think, that he would think, I was doing it just to get him to spank. In other words this is really my problem alone – there isn’t anything I know of that Nick could do differently to improve things.
In one way it’s no big deal, nothing earth shattering, but at the same time I know it leads me to close some parts of myself off from everyone. And sometimes it makes me sad. At times I feel lonely because of it. I love the improved closeness I have with Nick now but I want more. So if anyone out there knows what the hell I’m talking about please explain it to me and tell me how to correct it.