I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Blob Returns

I’m not doing really well right now. I’ve lost control and I feel like I’m sinking into that big blob that I was before I came out to Nick in the first place. I’m fat and getting fatter. I spend all day arguing with myself. I want a snack at school and the conversation goes something like this –

I want chocolate.


Okay, get a couple of Hershey’s kisses.


No, I want a candy bar and a soft drink.


You don’t need that – stop.

All this as I’m getting the junk to eat. Same argument at lunch...

Eat a salad.

I’m sick to death of salad, I want something good.


The argument continues with after school.

Go to the gym.


I don’t want to, I hate the gym.


As I’m parking...

I don’t want to go in. I’m not going in. Just leave.


You’re here now – go in.


Fine I’ll go in but you can’t make me do anything.

And I end up walking for a half hour. Not that that’s bad but it’s not enough to do anything. I’m sick of it! Because for weeks and months at a time I really do try, both with the eating and working hard at the gym and NOTHING to show for it. Screw it all.

But it’s not just with the stupid weight loss crap – blogging, which is one of my life lines to hang on to my real self – is hard these days. Writing keeps my mind engaged (which is one of the overall problems right now) but I feel like I have nothing else to say. When I started blogging I happen to first fall in with people who loved spanking but although we talked a lot about discipline but none of us were really into it. Our spankings were mostly just fun and sexy and just a hint of discipline thrown in by the guys because they knew we like it. Many of bloggers I read now (and really like) are more serious about DD and submission and although I enjoy reading them, I comment less and less because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I’ve loved Fantasy Friday but no one sends in stories anymore (with the exception of anonymous Annie, and I thank her dearly!) but it was meant to show case new bloggers and writers who had nowhere else to post their work. No one seems interested anymore so I don’t know whether to try to keep it going or not.

I probably shouldn’t even post this it sounds too much like whining. I'll probably feel better in a few days but I’m just worried about losing all that I've gained over these past 4 years. I don't want to sink back into my old self. Now I know Nick and I have made some changes that I believe are here to stay, but I don't want to give up any of our progress.

And of course the question – would I feel better if Nick spanked me. I don’t know. I wish I was sure it would get my head back where it should be but I just don’t know, that’s not the kind of spanking Nick does. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to go backwards.

16 comments:

  1. Hi PK, Sweetie you are not whining.
    you are with friends, and what you have to say is of importance to your friends, I am still ralatively new, but have found that blogging is like everything in life, it is constantly changing. I don't always like all the changes that come my way, but, thats live.
    Have you discussed your feelings with Nick,
    With sailor and I most of our spankings are fun and very sexy, but there are many times when I am hauled over what ever is handy a given a punishment spanking,don't like them, but have to admit I have earned them.and they do put me back in my place.
    Sailor and I talk about every thing. and if it is something that we are having trouble talking about face to face, we put it in an email to each other and discuss it that way.
    Hon. don't give up, you are a valued member of our community
    Hugs lil Sam

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  2. Hi Ol'Friend,
    Not that either of us are old! Hey as your friend I want to understand how you are feeling. But just look at the way you write, a conversation with yourself, that all of us do and you confirm that, with humor and style. You are a great asset to this spanking community and have helped so many of us realize and accept who we are and what we want. Please remember that so many stop by to read and learn but don't always comment. But you have a way of making people feel included like they belong too. The way you have kept Fantasy Friday going is so wonderful, many have written their 1st stories and you have welcomed and printed them here! You probably do just need a good trip over Nick's knees, so just go and flat out ask, he would never turn you down. As much as we want to think they should just know they can't always read our minds! Hang in there without you there would be a large black hole in our blogsphere!
    Hugs Always Sally

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  3. Dear PK,
    Sounds like your get-up-and-go got up and went. I know this is a buzz thing to say, but you might want to have your vitamin D levels checked. I did, just because "everyone" was talking about it. Sure enough, my level was dangerously low and the dr. put me on prescription doses of it.

    Since we primarily get Vit D from the sun lots of people are low this time of year. Low Vit D can cause lethargy, weight gain, depression, and even increased pain or general malaise.

    As you know from reading my blog since I started, my feelings and habits concerning TTWD have changed dramatically many times. I think that is the nature of the beast for many of us. Same with blogging habits.

    I've "closed" my blog twice and came back both times. Then I just quit writing several months ago, and now I'm writing every day again. Don't know what else to tell you except you are not alone.

    Thanks for your support of my blog over the years. Most of my traffic these days comes from your site. Oh, and my experience is the same as yours. I started with a happy spanking community and have moved more and more toward DD blog reading, which I also don't quite fit with. Life is complicated, huh?

    Thanks for writing and publishing this post. We're in it together, my friend.
    Maryann

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  4. All i can say is i feel ya' sister! My dr.put me on vitamin d but so far it hasn't made a difference..chocolate, i can take it or leave it. I"M SICK OF SALADS TOO and again it doesn't seem to make a difference so i went back to normal foods in the last few days! As for relationship's it's even harder when one person can't participate in them anymore. Hopefully as the saying goes.."this too shall pass". Love ya''..you're an amazing friend and blogger!

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  5. Well, PK, I am older here, I've been around since the get go of your blog. And...we love you.

    I don't know what the answer is for you. I'd love to say its the Daylight Savings Time change. One size fits all excuse! hehe It is not that because this started before the change.

    Do you feel that you have an obligation to keep us informed of what is going on in your mind or your life? I believe that expectation exists among us readers even though it is not right. Folks worry when you don't write. That is validation on some level.

    There have been lots of changes in the blog world and I, like you, comment less because I honestly don't know what to say. I can't relate.

    PK, you have to do what is right for you. You know that though. :)

    If it is any consolation, I can't even walk downstairs to get on my treadmill. Shameful that the excuses win for me. God!

    Love ya,

    Debbie :)

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  6. PK: Sounds like you're just in an old-fashioned funk. Or mid-life crisis or maybe the looming empty nest or whatever.

    Maybe you should plan a vacation for when school gets out.

    And as far as having nothing to say to bloggers who are into DD, just encourage them and wish them well. We all love comments.

    Maybe you should go back to that Tuesday thing when you talked abo9ut all the good things in your life. You've got a wonderful husband and family.

    Just remember you have many, many online friends who care about you and who are wishing you well.

    Good luck and many hugs and much love.

    FD

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  7. PK, life is full of ups and downs, seems to me you are going through a down, it happens to all of us.
    You will be fine, if you need to chat you know where to find me.
    I don't know if I can help, I will if I can.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  8. PK - Blogging is very different now than it was when you started. Not that I was around then, but rereading the old posts and comments of blogs that were around four years ago paints a very different picture.

    I also enjoy reading blogs of people who live a different spanking lifestyle than I do. Sometimes I struggle with wondering what to say because maybe I can't really relate. But I discovered two things: comments are always welcomed, and those people read my blog too, even though my lifestyle is different from theirs. We're all in this spanking blogosphere together.

    Everyone has ups and downs in life and blogging. JMHO, but you just might feel better if Nick spanked you. Why not give it a try? What have you got tot lose?

    Hugs,
    hermione

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  9. The whole diet and losing weight thing I completly understand where you are coming from. I have been trying to lose weight and I don't seem to be losing anything. Thankfuly Mr.Lane is starting to help me with it and getting envoled.
    As for the writing thing and new stories and such. I don't have much to work on with that. Im new to all of this, but I do want to say that with all your writing and post and friends stories I have enjoyed and thankful that there is people like you who do post about things. If it wasn't for ya'll I wouldn't know where to go for things.
    I pretty sure that things will clear out for you, Just right now it doesn't seem like it will. Believe me I am going through some things to, and Im not sure it will ever pass.
    Just keep leaning on all your friends. Thats what we are here for. And from what little I know about Nick from what you post I'm pretty sure he will and is tryin to help in every way.
    All the love and best wishies are with you.

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  10. Vitamin D, yes, and a lot of women in my family have thyroid trouble trouble which can affect everything, especially weight and mood. Not that there has to be something wrong with you to have a bad day or week, just a thought. And yes, if a spanking doesn't help for the long term, it will at least help for the short term - erotic or discipline! But... if you start talking discipline, hide that new cane...

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  11. Twin, all I can say is that I'm right there with you. I haven't cared about anything other than being a grammy in a long time.

    Sigh... I don't know what to tell you except that as always, I'm right here where I have always been.

    Love you!!

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  12. Sam,
    You’re right that everything changes – and I hate change! But I guess I can deal with it. I do need to talk with Nick about how I’m feeling but I haven’t and I’m beginning to think he may not read here anymore. I don’t know, but not talking sure isn’t making me feel any better.

    Sally,
    It’s nice to see you here – I miss talking to you. I know I don’t want to stop blogging. I do love talking and visiting out here but I do miss the old days and I’m trying to see where I fit in and feel the most comfortable.

    I have never been good at asking for a spanking. Oh if we have some time alone for some sexy fun I can ask then but when I need one for emotional reasons not so much. Nick’s been under the weather for a few days too so I guess we’ll see.
    You might be interested in tomorrow’s Fantasy Friday!!


    Maryann,
    You are right on the money with the vitamin D thought. I was put on a prescription dose this winter. I’ve finished it and I need to make an appointment to see if it has pulled my levels up. You have gone through a lot and I’m really glad to see you writing again.

    For me honest, my feelings about TTWD hasn’t changed since I began. I guess that’s what worries me I feel like I have said everything I can to explain what I think I really need over and over again. I just don’t to keep repeating myself.

    Mthc,
    I know what all is going on with you – often very sucky! But your love and support means the world to me. No one can fix things for someone else but it feels better to know your friends are behind you.


    Debbie,
    I don’t think I can blame any of it on DST – I seem to feel about the same if I get 10 hours of sleep or 2. And I’m glad we’ve changed so I can have my daylight in the evenings.

    Do I feel I have an obligation to let my readers know what going on in my life and mind?? What an interesting question. It’s not that really – I feel I have an obligation to Nick and myself to post here. It may sound strange but my readers and especially my commenters are what keep me grounded in the real world. Okay this is really a whole post – I’ll put it up next week. Thanks for the nudge in thinking about this.


    FD,
    That might not be such a bad idea. I know just by reading out here just how good I have it – really! Everything I have ever said about Nick out here is the absolute truth. I sometime worry that if I would complain about him the women out here will rise up and beat the crap for me daring to complain! LOL!! There are things I would like to see us work on but I know I am married to the best husband in the world!!!!

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  13. Paul,
    I am a little down but you are right that it won’t last. It does help to gripe a little and it really helps to know all of you are here to listen. I will probably be bending your ear in the future.

    Hermione,
    You made me think of the ‘parties’ we had not long after I started blogging – they were so much fun.
    I love to read about different lifestyles. Some I envy a little and some I wouldn’t want to try at all but I am always happy that we spankos have found what makes us happy. So many of us waited a long time to come out and I will always be proud to be part of this community.

    Lynn,
    Nick is trying to help with the diet – I’m not sure he can anymore. I’m not sure what might work. I’m glad you feel we are helping you some. I know that those I found when I got here helped me enormously. I’ve always hoped I could pass that help on to other. I’m going to be fine, I guess I’m just hoping for better than fine!


    MW,
    I will make that appointment to have my vitamin D checked again and I had my thyroid checked last year because I was trying to find out if there might be any medical reason why I couldn’t seem to make any progress in the weight loss. Everything checked out pretty well.

    I guess I’ll talk to Nick about spanking after he gets to feeling better. But you sure are right about that cane!!! LOL!


    Well Twin,
    I guess that it’s going to be a long time before I’m gonna be a grammy so I have to find something else to keep my interest.

    But knowing you are here has always made me feel better. I’m glad you’re back blogging.

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  14. Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt!

    I have no advice! I'm useless!

    But I love you!

    HUGS!
    grace

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  15. Grace, I love that t-shirt! Where did you find it?

    I was going to say what Grace said, that I love you, and can't give you much in the way of help. Then I realized something.

    You need a permission slip, and so I'm going to give you one.

    PK, you hereby have permission to take a break from it all. Two weeks: no diet, no gym, no blog. Do what you want, when you want, and how you want. When the time is over, you're back at it.

    You sound like you're burnt out.

    And I do love you!

    *hugs*
    CeeCi

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  16. Grace,
    I have the tee-shirt too, of course it's too tight for me now...

    CeeCi,
    That's not a bad idea and something I might talk over with Nick.

    That's for coming by girls.

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