I’m not doing really well right now. I’ve lost control and I feel like I’m sinking into that big blob that I was before I came out to Nick in the first place. I’m fat and getting fatter. I spend all day arguing with myself. I want a snack at school and the conversation goes something like this –
I want chocolate.
Okay, get a couple of Hershey’s kisses.
No, I want a candy bar and a soft drink.
You don’t need that – stop.
All this as I’m getting the junk to eat. Same argument at lunch...
Eat a salad.
I’m sick to death of salad, I want something good.
The argument continues with after school.
Go to the gym.
I don’t want to, I hate the gym.
As I’m parking...
I don’t want to go in. I’m not going in. Just leave.
You’re here now – go in.
Fine I’ll go in but you can’t make me do anything.
And I end up walking for a half hour. Not that that’s bad but it’s not enough to do anything. I’m sick of it! Because for weeks and months at a time I really do try, both with the eating and working hard at the gym and NOTHING to show for it. Screw it all.
But it’s not just with the stupid weight loss crap – blogging, which is one of my life lines to hang on to my real self – is hard these days. Writing keeps my mind engaged (which is one of the overall problems right now) but I feel like I have nothing else to say. When I started blogging I happen to first fall in with people who loved spanking but although we talked a lot about discipline but none of us were really into it. Our spankings were mostly just fun and sexy and just a hint of discipline thrown in by the guys because they knew we like it. Many of bloggers I read now (and really like) are more serious about DD and submission and although I enjoy reading them, I comment less and less because I feel like I have nothing to offer.
I’ve loved Fantasy Friday but no one sends in stories anymore (with the exception of anonymous Annie, and I thank her dearly!) but it was meant to show case new bloggers and writers who had nowhere else to post their work. No one seems interested anymore so I don’t know whether to try to keep it going or not.
I probably shouldn’t even post this it sounds too much like whining. I'll probably feel better in a few days but I’m just worried about losing all that I've gained over these past 4 years. I don't want to sink back into my old self. Now I know Nick and I have made some changes that I believe are here to stay, but I don't want to give up any of our progress.
And of course the question – would I feel better if Nick spanked me. I don’t know. I wish I was sure it would get my head back where it should be but I just don’t know, that’s not the kind of spanking Nick does. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to go backwards.