Why would anyone chose to have a Domestic Discipline relationship? Part two.

I’m trying to answer some common questions vanillas have for us spankos. 

Everyone will have their own answers, of course, but since some of these questions can really annoy me I thought I’d come here to share how I’d try to answer them if I could. This is my second post on the subject, you can click here for the first one.

For those fairly new TTWD stands for This Thing We Do (spanking and all it involves.) 

Are there pre-arranged signals for safety sake, such as when the spanker is going too far?  Or is a concern about “going too far” considered contrary to the practice and mind-set of spanking? Does light or playful spanking ever turn dangerous? 

Yes, definitely, there are safe guards! This is especially true in the beginning. All spanko know the concept of a ‘safe word.’ However, I’ve found that most women who have asked for this type of relationship are more likely to asks for harder and longer, rather than for him to ease up or stop. Many use the basic ‘red, yellow.’ When red or any safe word is used all activities stop immediately. Yellow means, ‘I don’t want you to stop, but ease up a little.’ Remember, the in the consensual spanking world the ides of trust is everything. The spanker is usually more cautious than the spankee that things not go too far.

Is spanking more pleasurable nude, or with a thin covering?

Each layer of clothing adds its own dimension. Over jeans, over panties, in the nude, all can be fun. Often it depends on the mood.

Do women really want to be spanked? 

I'm guessing some people might not really want to believe this. But I'm guessing most of you have heard of women having rape fantasies. You have to know that no woman wants to be forced. I'm not talking about the bullshit I've heard from some government officially who talk about 'legitimate rape' as if there was such a thing. I'm talking about a 'rape fantasy' done between two consenting adults who know and trust one another and have chosen to participate in this activity. 

I believe for fantasies 'rape' is what Rhett did to Scarlet when he carried her up the stairs that night - and the smile on her face the next morning was all part of the package.

Something else to point out. Many in my age range were raised by mothers who were fairly sexually repressed because of how they were raised. Some of us absorbed the 'sex is something women must endure to have children' by osmosis. Intellectually, we know that's wrong and women are free to enjoy sex in any way we can. But those gut beliefs are hard to overcome. Part of TTWD has us being overpowered, dominated - that little voice we don't even realize is in our heads can release its subtle hold on us. Since he's the one in charge, we just have to go along and are free to enjoy. And once again I want to point out this is happing in a consensual relationship.

What do you say to others who find that the lifestyle glorifies violence? Isn’t there an inherent contradiction between a mother who wouldn’t dream of spanking her child, but finds pleasure in being spanked herself?

In our spanko world spanking is an activity of complete mutual consent between adults. There is no violence in it. It’s usually part of a sexual relationship practiced and enjoyed by adults. I’d never give a young child a glass of wine, but I can certainly relax and enjoy one.

Why do you think you need this in your life? How a person might find or know that spanking is related to pleasure- and how to engage partner in that so that both are enjoying it.  Does the desire to be spanked result from childhood spankings, or do you think of it as more a forbidden desire to break a few taboos?

This is probably the best and most difficult to answer question of all. And my answer is a definite – I don’t know. I do know it was a desire that I was born with. Spanking has always fascinated me. I was occasionally spanked as a child, not harshly, but it was a normal part of childhood as I grew up. I hated it and took NO pleasure in it. 

But the fantasy was there. I can tell you upon seeing the first scene which ‘I Love Lucy’ shows contained spanking. Same for the Little Rascals and a few other shows of that era. Yet even at the early age of four or five I knew it was ‘wrong’ or ‘strange’ and I knew this desire should be kept as a deep dark secret. I don’t know how I knew this, but I did.

As puberty approached it became sexual. Other girls dreamed of the handsome boy grabbing her and kissing her soundly, where I dreamed of him putting me over his knee – kissing to come later. But still I shared these thoughts with no one. I kept this secret completely to myself until I could stand it no longer and at the age of forty-nine, and twenty-three years into my marriage I finally broke down and shared this desire with my husband.

Others I’ve known shared this experience of ‘knowing since birth.’ But a few tell me that the desire seem to come to them after reading 50 Shades.

Is spanking usually, or often, followed by intercourse?

I’d say for most people in the lifestyle, yes it’s usually followed by intercourse. And if not immediately then soon. And the wait is often filled with delicious sexual tension! 

Others want the events to be separate. For the spanko the idea of discipline is a serious desire. If sex always follows immediately it begins to feel like the spanker is just following though with the spanking so that they get to have sex. The spanking itself means something to the true spanko not just a means to get your jollies.

What is the ratio of female to male spankers? Is it always the man disciplining the woman or can it be reversed?  

I couldn’t give you numbers, but the majority of spankers are male. And of all the couple I’ve become close friends with personally, it’s the women who bring it up and ask that it be brought into the relationship. The one exception was a lovely man from the Netherlands, Bas, who brought the idea to his wife – for him to spank her. She agreed and their relationship was greatly enhanced.  

There are definitely situations where the wife is the disciplinary to the husband. Because that is the way the couple wants it. It works for them. Consensual, remember. We’re talking about people, men and women who WANT spanking in their lives and have asked for it to be incorporated in some way.

The questioner went on to say - I think in other types of sexual play- people have roles and they don’t change- like domination.  

I’m going to say – without anything to back this up, that as a couple begins this journey the roles don’t change much. I do know of some Dom’s (tops, disciplinarian, spankers – whatever you want to call them) who ask the other partner to take the roll of disciplinarian for a day. Some women relish this role reversal, others hate it and only do it because their partner has ask them to.

I accomplished my goal of getting this all off my chest. I hope you have enjoyed reading some of it. I may be back with more some day. If you're ever confronted with these questions in real life I hope you will have the courage to give your answers. We’re doing what we want to do and not bothering anyone else. That’s basically all they need to know anyway.