I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

You probably don't what to read this.

If you are looking for spanking, sexy, funny, or uplifting today you are going to need to go somewhere else. But I need to get this out of my system and this is the place I do that. This was my Monday.

Maybe I’m coming apart at the seams. I’m feeling a little fractured. I made a mistake this morning and in caused a mini break-down. I listened to my ipod. That was the mistake. It just has my music on it, mostly songs recorded between ’63 and ’75, there are a few others but the majority come in that time period. I lost it, I cried on and off for nearly 3 hours. I was alone and I couldn’t get hold of myself. Problems, worries, dreams, regrets, doubt, hopes – all came at me at once and I just dissolved.

I wanted to write a post. Writing has always helped me. When problems were swirling in my head getting bigger and scarier I have always felt better if I could capture them on paper or into the computer. When it’s captured I can view it all together and it just seems more manageable. But there were so many things coming at me at once I didn’t know which direction the post should take. So I’ll hit the high, or low, lights of my morning. Please understand I know I’m overstating each one. I’m just sharing how they seemed to me as I wallowed in self-pity.

• I’m old. That hadn’t really hit me before. Maybe it was the songs of my youth that touched all this off. My goal in life since about the age of 3 was to have children. I got my wish. I have the two best children in the world. But LJ’s gone and Mollie is going. I know I’ll still be important to both of them. But my life’s dream of raising children is over. Regardless of how I feel about the empty nest not being a bad thing, my baby is still leaving home and that part of my life is over.

• Nick will never understand my needs concerning TTWD. He does try. Most of the time I think he wants to understand. He’s not holding out on me for meanness. I’m asking him to do something he just does not want to do or simply can’t do. Since I’ve wanted some kind of dd relationship almost as long as I’ve wanted kids this feels a little like a double whammy.

• When I first found the blogging world filled with spankos, I had a fierce desire to belong. But I didn’t. At that time Nick knew nothing and I wasn’t planning to tell him. I had nothing to offer. But I wanted to belong so much I began Cassie’s Space, with all the hurt and joy that brought. But we’ve been stumbling though this for a long time we don’t make any lasting progress. How can I encourage newcomers if we can’t get it right after all these years? Maybe it time to let Nick off the hook and throw in the towel.

• I am the most selfish, ungrateful, whiny bitch I know. If any of you knew just how spoiled I really am. If you knew how much Nick does around here. If you knew how little I do. If you knew the amount of time I waste ‘thinking’ and not doing. If you knew what a good man Nick was to have been stuck with me for so long, you would probably rise up and come beat my ass yourselves.

• I’m fat and getting fatter. I don’t want to go to the gym, I don’t want to eat healthy, I don’t even want to leave my house. I don’t like the way I look and feel and I don’t want to do anything about it.

• My church is dissolving around me. I’ve gone to the same church since I was born, longer if you count while mom was pregnant. I love my church and all the people there. But there have been problems. And the church I’ve always know is disappearing before my eyes. It makes me sad.

• I feel my career is going the same way as my church. The love I feel for my students and the joy I receive from being able to teach them is often crushed under the weight of administration bullshit that gets deeper and deeper each and every year.

• I’m at a loss of which way to turn and what to do. I don’t even know what I really want anymore. Do I want a dd relationship? I don’t know any more. Certainly not if Nick doesn’t. If he asked me right now ‘What do you want? What more do you want me to do?’ I would have to honestly tell him I haven't a clue. I sometimes feel like Scarlett O’Hara – wasting my life chasing an illusion when real happiness is staring me right in the face and I don’t know how to take hold of it.

Sorry for all this. I just had to dump it somewhere if you wandered in to read I guess you got dumped on. Don’t worry about me. It reads worse that it is. It’s not like these things are new, it’s just that they all happened to come visiting this morning. When Nick and Mollie get home they will never know I had a moments distress. No one can hide their feeling better than I can. I’ll do what I usually do. Stuff these doubts, fears, and longings back down so they can’t come out too often. Unfortunately nothing can get in either. Let’s hear it for wall building.

Oh yeah, and I think I’ll toss the ipod.

22 comments:

  1. Oh hon, I wish i was there to give you a big hug. Dont hide the feelings, tell Nick, everything is changing with your last "baby" moving on and setting out in the big world. It has to be hard on you. Know that you have taught her well, she loves and respects you, she knows you love and respect her. You did an amazing job if your children can leave the nest and live a happy fulfilling life. That is not to be sneezed at. You should be proud of yourself and your achievement.
    Im not there at the empty nest stage yet but Im sure i will feel just the same and I'l be here saying the same things in 10 years time.
    As for TTWD - I dont know really know what to suggest apart from talking yet again to Nick - ask him what his obsticle is about it and see if it can be reduced or removed all together. I know this is rich coming from me who struggles to talk about this to her man.
    Everyone at times has a little blow out. But please, dont bottle it up when your family gets home. It makes it worse. I know this. Even if you tell Nick just how sad you are about Mollie leaving - it might open the flood gates to talking about TTWD too :)
    I know a lot of teachers who say the same thing about their teaching and how things ahve changed and its more admin now rather than actual teaching. Unfortunately things change over time dont they and we sometimes struggle to change with them.
    Hang in there hon.
    You will feel better :)

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  2. Know what's worse than walls? Walls without doors, or windows. They're called prisons. You have the ability to look at the view within, and you also are able to look at the view outside. The moment you started writing about what you wanted, what was bottled up inside, you started letting the light come in, and you also let the light that was inside shine outward.

    You have a very good resource, her name starts with an "S", and I bet she'd be a wonderful person to talk to right now. You're entering a huge transition. In the next few months you'll be redefining your life again, and your relationship with Nick. Change is scary, especially if you're someone *wink* who really doesn't like change.

    Regarding your job... you're so close to retirement just hang on for the checks. Smile, nod, call them 'fucking idiots' with your quiet inside voice, and you'll get there.

    As for being old, or needy, or whiny, or fat, or ungrateful, or any of the other horrid things you might call yourself... knock it off! I swear to God, if anyone ever talked to you the way you talk to you, you'd pulverize them... and if you wouldn't, Nick would!

    It's OK to cry. We all do. It's OK to watch a dream fade away. There are so many more to replace it. It's OK to listen to songs from the past, but you know, there are some pretty awesome... never mind.

    Call S. Please.

    I love you!

    CeeCi

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  3. iPods can be used for audio books instead of music,or as well as music. Don't throw it out! We all have our down days,and even those of us lucky enough to live with a tried and true spanker,don't always get all we want either. So hang in there,we your public LOVE you,not the way your family does of course,but many of the things you described today,I KNOW many of us have felt. ;)

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  4. I'm glad you vented away! I have these same thoughts.

    I am not as old but I still get that feeling...

    My hubby is SO a vanilla... and I often wonder why he is willing to try to give me what I need when it really doens't turn him on or fulfill him the same way it does me. I do know he doesn't fully get me or my needs but he is trying and that is all that matters. No one has DD down to a science.... its a work in progress... and not sure there is a final product or resting place...(if you find one let me know! I'm looking)

    Change is really hard, but after the storm there is always a rainbow!

    I'm so sorry you are struggling, hang in there and know you are not alone in your thinking or feelings. I can relate to needing to vent, and its good for us all to see that you are human with real life problems.

    HUGE HUG,
    Audra

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  5. Seems everything has hit you at once PK. Change is scary. I wish I was around the corner from you.

    Is there nothing you've always said you would do with Nick once the kids have flown the nest, if so do it but one thing, CeeCi is right though gal, stop knocking yourself.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  6. Hmmm...you should have said something....i get it sister..been there..and still visit "that place" quite often..after everything is said and done..life changes..people change..things happen..there's an old country song "time marches on"! It's so true..you're a great person, the best..i've never known any one like you...i love you..! My last piece of advice..well 2 pieces..talk, write, listen to music and like me..you kinda have to roll with those punches..unless you do...you'll go crazy ..

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  7. I can identify with almost all of the items you mentioned. Music has a way of bringing you back to the time of our youth and you realize how much time has past. They seem like simpler times but we didn't have the responsibilites we have today as adults. I think I am around your age (53) and have been married for twenty-seven years, but just started dd last January.
    I've been in a funk about ttwd too, is it worth it if he isn't really into it. That I think brings on the moodiness. You will snap out of it. Play the happy old upbeat songs from the 60's, one of my favorite is Hooked on a Feeling.
    One more thing, please be happy and excited that your children are grown and able to move out on their own. It shows what a wonderful job you did raising them. I have a child that is twenty-five and is mentally and physically challenged and will live with us for some time. I am not complaining, she is a great kid. You did a good job if they want to move on.
    We all need a pity party for ourselves from time to time, good luck.

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  8. HUGS....I am a wall expert, big and strong, keeping everything in, feels safer...and lonely. On my pert some crumbling has started, but it sure ain't easy!
    Careful who you call old, I have logged in more years than you have...and although I miss having my children close by, I have found there are compensations.
    I love retirement...too many people still misjudged how hard teaching is. I loved it for a long time, but the last couple years I just wanted to retire. I know how you are feeling.
    A good cry is a good thing, wish I would allow myself one more often.
    While I was a away meeting my newest grandson, I kept wondering how my blogging friends were doing...this is a great support group!

    HUGS
    abby

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  9. PK, Thanks so much for sharing with us! My iPod music is just like yours and we are at the age when we start losing things: kids, joy in our work, faith in our dreams. I recently read a sign saying "I take things One Day at a Time.... unless they all attack at once". Sounds like you've been attacked!!

    I hope that writing about it helped. I hope that having friends rally round helps. I hope that crying helped.
    No advice, just lots of Hugs, Meow

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  10. I'm coming over to either get you drunk or beat your a$$ . You choose.

    Hugs,
    Rogue

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  11. Anonymous4:03 PM

    Your kids are probably going to become your best friends; that's what happened with us. And their friends became our friends too. And their spouses became our friends too! Then they had little ones of their own and we're all helping raise them and now their kids are "the kids" and the rest of us are the adults, watching the little ones grow up. Except this time we're watching our kids raising kids. :)

    And it's friggin' awesome.

    I remember having empty nest syndrome and peri-menopause but honestly, if I would have known what was waiting for me on the other side, I never would have worried so much. :)

    Keep listening to your iPod, nostalgia has its place too. :)

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  12. Anonymous4:23 PM

    Please try to just hang in there.Your posts and stories mean a lot to us old spanko B R O A D S. My Colonal was more like 'Tom'than Nick, but there were times too when I felt alone in my feelings. Talk to Nick while there is time now for just the two of you. Patty

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  13. Oh PK..I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I'm glad you shared with us though. It's tough when you feel like the world is coming down around you. Teaching is so hard especially in the public system with too much BS and not enough IQ!! I only made it a couple years, then opened my own preschool. Hang in there...everything will seem brighter in a couple days. BTW, I loved Rogue's comment!! I'd go with the drink! Sending you lots of hugs....

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  14. PK: This is what blogging is for, a chance to let your hair down and vent and share your innermost thoughts with your blogger friends.

    I hope writing it all down makes you feel better and helps you cope with all the things going on in your life right now. You seem to be in the middle of a perfect storm. Let's hope it blows over.

    FD

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  15. Thank you everyone. I was having a pity party and I appreciate you coming. Your gifts were your comments and they were have really made me feel better.

    KG,
    You’re right about Mollie – she’ll do fine, it’s me that will struggle some. I know I keep telling you to talk and everyone else but the truth is I don’t know what else to say. As for teaching – that could turn into a few dozen posts all by itself. But I’ll try to restrain myself.

    CeeCi,
    Ever seen ‘Shawshank Redemption’? Probably not, but it’s about prisoners who become ‘institutionalize’, at first hating the prison then coming to depend on it as all they know.

    But we still have a connection sister. I have been thinking about S over the last couple of days. With your push I think I’m going to break down and give her a call. I know my ‘self talk’ leaves something to be desired.

    I love you

    Change still sucks!


    Scunge,
    Thank you. I honestly think my head would explode if I didn’t have my friends out here to talk to.

    Audra,
    We married vanillas, we love them to death. I know that they try – at least some of the time. It helps to know others struggle with the same problems.

    Ronnie,
    I know we all share the problem of everything hitting at once at times. I guess it’s just my turn. There are things we’d like to do – a little traveling maybe, but we have to pay for college first.
    What I say to myself sometimes is a problem for me. I know it doesn’t do one bit of good to say/think those things but it still happens.

    Mthc sister,
    I do love you. You should be the one telling me to stop whining. My problems don’t really seem like anything to complain about in view of what others have to deal with. You’re a peach to hang in there with me and my complaining.

    Kaki,
    We are almost exactly at the same place – I’m 54 and married 28 years. I know I get moody when I over think TTWD, or maybe I get moody when Nick doesn’t think about it at all. I guess a little of both.

    I am happy for my children. They are blessed with good health and big dreams. I know you love your daughter a great deal and she is blessed to have you.

    Abby,
    LOL! Don’t shoot me. I don’t really feel old, just not young. I know the grandchild time is coming but it’s pretty far off (I hope). But I know I’ll love it. The teaching profession has changed unbelievably in the last few years. I have 6 to go. At the moment that seems like a long time.

    Thanks Meow,
    They did all attack at once. Writing did help, crying helped too, but knowing people understand and care helped the most.

    Rogue,
    ROFL! Head on, I’ll decide when you get here.

    Anon,
    I hope it will be like you say. I know LJ will never live near but we are close with him and his boyfriend. Mollie wants to live here after college – that would be wonderful but that will depend on who she marries and what will be best for them. Won’t me up to me, but I can cross my fingers.

    I’ll hang onto the ipod. But I’ll be careful of my mood when I listen.

    Patty,
    I wouldn’t want to be married to Tom (I love him truly, but I couldn’t take him as a husband.) Nick is who I need but if just a little of Tom rubbed off on him I wouldn’t mind.

    Talk? I’m talked out.

    K’s Sweetie,
    I am feeling better and these comments have helped a lot. I used to love the teaching profession so much, but after 22 years I feel I can’t take much more – but believe me it’s not the kids that are causing me to want to leave. It’s only the adults involved. I still love the kids.

    Rogue did hit it right on the head!

    FD,
    Between writing and all you great people here I’m going to survive to rant another day. I owe you an email. Soon, I promise.

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  16. Well, your biggest problem is having a pity party and not having cheetos and cheesecake! Also, you didn't invite me..... I love a good pity party, I'm always throwing myself one.

    On a serious note....we've all felt those thoughts and cried those tears. It's going to be OK! You will get through this. You and Nick will figure it all out.

    Also, I'm only a phone call away...

    HUGS!
    grace

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  17. Grace,
    You are always invited to my pity parties. You can be sure another one will come along before long. Cheesecake next time I promise.

    Nick has the erotic side of spanking down pat. I can't complain about anything there but any kinda of discipline - well he just doesn't seem to understand.

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  18. PK, I've been rather busy, and was unable to visit yesterday.
    The important thing is that we are here for you.
    I can only say, and I am more than twenty years older than you, that you will get over this.
    Don't bottle it, it doesn't improve with age, talk it out with Nick and Mollie, they love you and will help if they can.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  19. I don't normally comment but wanted to say that I can relate to some of your feelings especially about the empty nest ones. I am still raising children although my teen is almost grown up on me and my son is getting older as well. I get very depressed about it all.

    You have a great support system! I was surprised to read so many supportive comments on your blog. I am lucky if I get maybe one or two comments on any of my posts anymore.

    *big hugs*
    I am always here reading although don't comment very often.
    padme

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  20. Anonymous10:14 PM

    Does Nick read here anymore? If so what did he have to say.
    yaya

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  21. Paul,
    I always love hearing from you any time. I know I'm not really old but I sure am set in my ways. Learning to open up is still so very hard for me. I guess it's worth the effort though.

    Terps,
    Thanks girl!

    Padme,
    I appreciate your being here and for letting me know. I was surprised and grateful at the support I received. The empty nest - a real mine field. Good things, bad things but either way we better get used to the idea.

    Yaya,
    I don't know. I tend to think not but I can't tell. I guess I could ask him. LOL!

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