If you are looking for spanking, sexy, funny, or uplifting today you are going to need to go somewhere else. But I need to get this out of my system and this is the place I do that. This was my Monday.
Maybe I’m coming apart at the seams. I’m feeling a little fractured. I made a mistake this morning and in caused a mini break-down. I listened to my ipod. That was the mistake. It just has my music on it, mostly songs recorded between ’63 and ’75, there are a few others but the majority come in that time period. I lost it, I cried on and off for nearly 3 hours. I was alone and I couldn’t get hold of myself. Problems, worries, dreams, regrets, doubt, hopes – all came at me at once and I just dissolved.
I wanted to write a post. Writing has always helped me. When problems were swirling in my head getting bigger and scarier I have always felt better if I could capture them on paper or into the computer. When it’s captured I can view it all together and it just seems more manageable. But there were so many things coming at me at once I didn’t know which direction the post should take. So I’ll hit the high, or low, lights of my morning. Please understand I know I’m overstating each one. I’m just sharing how they seemed to me as I wallowed in self-pity.
• I’m old. That hadn’t really hit me before. Maybe it was the songs of my youth that touched all this off. My goal in life since about the age of 3 was to have children. I got my wish. I have the two best children in the world. But LJ’s gone and Mollie is going. I know I’ll still be important to both of them. But my life’s dream of raising children is over. Regardless of how I feel about the empty nest not being a bad thing, my baby is still leaving home and that part of my life is over.
• Nick will never understand my needs concerning TTWD. He does try. Most of the time I think he wants to understand. He’s not holding out on me for meanness. I’m asking him to do something he just does not want to do or simply can’t do. Since I’ve wanted some kind of dd relationship almost as long as I’ve wanted kids this feels a little like a double whammy.
• When I first found the blogging world filled with spankos, I had a fierce desire to belong. But I didn’t. At that time Nick knew nothing and I wasn’t planning to tell him. I had nothing to offer. But I wanted to belong so much I began Cassie’s Space, with all the hurt and joy that brought. But we’ve been stumbling though this for a long time we don’t make any lasting progress. How can I encourage newcomers if we can’t get it right after all these years? Maybe it time to let Nick off the hook and throw in the towel.
• I am the most selfish, ungrateful, whiny bitch I know. If any of you knew just how spoiled I really am. If you knew how much Nick does around here. If you knew how little I do. If you knew the amount of time I waste ‘thinking’ and not doing. If you knew what a good man Nick was to have been stuck with me for so long, you would probably rise up and come beat my ass yourselves.
• I’m fat and getting fatter. I don’t want to go to the gym, I don’t want to eat healthy, I don’t even want to leave my house. I don’t like the way I look and feel and I don’t want to do anything about it.
• My church is dissolving around me. I’ve gone to the same church since I was born, longer if you count while mom was pregnant. I love my church and all the people there. But there have been problems. And the church I’ve always know is disappearing before my eyes. It makes me sad.
• I feel my career is going the same way as my church. The love I feel for my students and the joy I receive from being able to teach them is often crushed under the weight of administration bullshit that gets deeper and deeper each and every year.
• I’m at a loss of which way to turn and what to do. I don’t even know what I really want anymore. Do I want a dd relationship? I don’t know any more. Certainly not if Nick doesn’t. If he asked me right now ‘What do you want? What more do you want me to do?’ I would have to honestly tell him I haven't a clue. I sometimes feel like Scarlett O’Hara – wasting my life chasing an illusion when real happiness is staring me right in the face and I don’t know how to take hold of it.
Sorry for all this. I just had to dump it somewhere if you wandered in to read I guess you got dumped on. Don’t worry about me. It reads worse that it is. It’s not like these things are new, it’s just that they all happened to come visiting this morning. When Nick and Mollie get home they will never know I had a moments distress. No one can hide their feeling better than I can. I’ll do what I usually do. Stuff these doubts, fears, and longings back down so they can’t come out too often. Unfortunately nothing can get in either. Let’s hear it for wall building.
Oh yeah, and I think I’ll toss the ipod.