I love writing, I hate getting started writing. I have wanted to write all day yet when I am on I am emailing, checking blogs, commenting anything to avoid writing about what is swirling in my head.
I am married to a wonderful man. I plan on being married to him until the day we die or until he kicks me to the curb which ever comes first. And although we have been in love for 25 years nothing that has come before has ever been as wonderful as the past 15 months. The difference has been like day and night for me. I spent over 20 years hiding who I was and what I needed and wanted. When I did finally open up to him he was wonderful! He may not have understood why spanking was so important to me but he seemed to accept it and jumped into it with enthusiasm.
This past year was with out question the happiest time of our entire marriage. Out sex life was wonderful!!!! It was hard to keep out hands off each other. The minute we found ourselves alone we would look at each other and run to the bedroom! We were like kids (well grow up kids). As he learned that I truly loved to be spanked and got over the fear of hurting me I was in heaven! We would have long spanking sessions then, he knew I didn’t mind the intensity level going pretty high. Being able to feel the wonderful achy feeling the next day could keep a grin on my face that would down right annoyed my co-workers. I walked taller; I was so proud and happy with who I was and who I am married to.
He made spanking toys for me, some simple some elaborate. And I loved every one of them! The toys were nice but the realization that he took the time to make them for me was incredible. For me it said “I love you” in a way that nothing else could.
But I have always had a fear. I have always felt it would not last. It was just too good to be true. He would get bored with the whole thing. And things would go back to the way they were. And where it seemed an okay way to live at the time, I just don’t think I can stand going back to the way I was, locked behind layers and wall of my own construction. But whether or not I hate the thought it seems to be happening.
I don’t think Nick wants this to happen anymore than I do. Can we turn it around again? I don’t know. Nick has lived with me both ways, he just has to like PK better than who I was. I mean the man is not crazy!! Only this morning he was asking what I needed what could he do. So yes he does want to know but I was almost annoyed because I have told him over and over and over but it doesn’t seem to get through to him. I wish he would just go back and read the damn blog from the beginning. Nothing has changed. I went back and read the first two months and it is just as true today as the day I wrote it.
I was thinking that maybe I could get it down to 10 things I want from him. That felt like too many, so I limited myself to 5 but when I start to list things I could really only come up with 3.
1. I need you to spank me. This is the act of love that opens my mind and heart. It is the only thing I know of that does this for me. And if we don’t always have the privacy I need to talk about it. Let me know it is on you mind. Play with me, tease me, threaten me, warn me, and use the privacy we have. No noise we make in the morning before school would ever wake Mollie!
2. Touch me and show affection outside of the bedroom. You were doing this so much and then it just kinda went away. I am not talking about making out in public. Hug me in the kitchen once in a while. Grab my butt when we pass sometimes. Walk with me when we go places. Give me a hug when one of us leaves. Occasionally take my hand or put your arm around me in public. When you do this it says to me ‘I love you and I don’t care who knows it’.
3. Shop with me or for me for spanking toys. I know we really don’t need any more. I understand that, really I do. But you have no idea how much it would mean to me. Some wives want flowers, expensive jewelry, candle light dinners, going out dancing… you would get the same reaction from me if you came home with a paint stirrer, a spatula, or a new wooden spoon. You have no idea what a gesture like this would mean to me. Probably sounds silly to you but it isn’t to me.
When these things happen I am opened to nearly anything he want to try in any aspect of our lives. When all this started for us we would look at each other, I mean really look, and often laugh like we were sharing some delightful secret. We touched often and easily. It was fun and exciting. Nothing stays at the level of intensity of something new and different but we have let it slip too far and I want to work on it. I know me and I need help to not fall back in to my old ways.