I feel a strong urge to post tonight. I don’t know what I want to say. Everyone says they blog for themselves, what they want to write, when they feel like writing and in a way that is true. I write what I want to write I am not necessarily trying to please anyone but I also post for contacts. I like getting comments and I love it when someone new stops by with something to say. I love commenting on other people's sites.
I am sure Nick thinks I am a little obsessed with blogging although he doesn’t complain much because he reaps the benefits too. Mollie rolls her eyes and says “addicted” when she sees me pick up the computer. I know myself that I feel very unsettled if I can’t get to my computer for long periods of time, although I am not as bad as when I first started.
I just enjoy the people. Someone said once it was like talking over the back fence. I have bunches of friends in the real world. I like my family, immediate and extended. I like the people at church and I like the people I work with. We talk but it’s like Cassie said this is one of the few places I feel like myself. Close friends, really close friends well, in real life it’s been a while. I guess as I was walling myself off from Nick everyone else got shut out too.
So now as I work to tear down the walls and let people in I have been surprised at the uneven flood of emotions. Letting people into you life does leave you vulnerable. You start caring. Maybe that is what I was shutting out before. Sometimes it seems to squeeze my heart and it hurts. I worried about Grace when she was sick, I worry about CeeCi business, I worry if MrC is going to come around, I worry that Paul’s internet connection will go down for a couple of days and we will all panic, I worry that everyone else will get tired of blogging and go away before I do, I worry when Cassie gets herself in trouble, I worry about Dante’s back, I worry that Michael will go to college in California and I worry that Eva’s pup will eat the crop.
So why do it for goodness sakes? Why not close the computer and walk away? Funny thing is I have never been a worrier before and now here I am. Is it really worth it? You’re damn right it is! I wouldn’t have miss knowing any of you for the world. Blogging gave me my new and improved relationship with Nick. It gave me friends that care about me and allow me to be myself. And it gave me friends that I care deeply about. Yes, it’s worth it.