I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Talking

Friday night was an extreme experience for me. I have not been doing well lately. I have been sad, depressed, worried, pretty much completely unsettled. Okay let’s address the hormone issue first before all is dismissed because of menopause. The feelings I have been having are the same doubts and fears that have plagued me on and off thought out our marriage and through this past year. But now instead of being able to suppress and hide all my feeling as is normal for me, they sometimes overwhelmed me. Maybe that is that because of the hormones or because I have been so happy this last year I can see the potential for long term happiness and I fear it’s loss. Doesn’t really matter.

Nick and I have been alone several afternoon this past week but very little connection. Friday night Mollie had an over night party at a friends so we were on our own. I was looking forward to the evening but as we were out eating Nick triggered an additionally flood of these negative feeling – what did he do? He did not read my mind and I ended up with my feelings hurt. Did he know I was upset? Of course not, that would have involved me talking to him. So I just got quiet and nursed my hurt feeling and worries and doubts.

Back home I emailed Eva who has listened to me whine on and off about things for a long time. I must say that for an extremely intelligent woman, her advice seemed to be in a rut! It’s always the same “Talk to Nick!” Geeze! Can’t she come up with something new!? I told her about my evening and how it was making me feel and the following was what she sent me, my thought are in red …

Honestly it's okay to talk to him....Maybe but I don't know how to begin After all these years of you hiding feelings from him, put yourself in his shoes... Everything has always been fine in his eyes because you've lied to him over and over and over by telling him so... by letting on that you're fine.... why don't you try backing up and tell him that there have been times Times!! I have never done anything else ...when you've hidden your feelings from him but you've reached a point where you really need his strength and you just want him to listen..... it's worth a shot, yes? I can't breathe when I think of doing this face to face.

How had he hurt your feelings?
Too stupid to go into. I'll tell you sometime. Only a spanko would understand. And Nick isn't one. did you tell him you wanted to talk? Of course not Did he tell you he didn't want to hear it? He told me a long, long time ago that he didn't If he didn't want to hear it would he bother reading blogs? maybe I don't know... Practice breathing and thinking simultaneously... it would be a good first step. That I can do it’s the talking part added in that is so difficult!

I had no real plan to take her advice but by the time I went to bed I really had no choice. I was so upset Nick couldn’t help but noticing. I took a deep breath and tried talking. I thought it would be easier once I got started. Let me tell you it was like dragging an anchor over gravel! When I started I still didn’t really think Nick would want to hear any of it. I have never given the man enough credit.

I really don’t know what I said and I mean that – I don’t know. But I did talk between crying. I told him I was upset because I didn’t feel I could talk to him. I didn’t always feel like he wanted me to. He assured me he did and that he was no good at reading my mind.

He is still uncertain was about really truly what I want. I told him I still dreamed of a dd relationship in some form but that I knew he would never be comfortable with it. He says that it is not out of the question at some point but that we will have to work up to it. He says if he takes the step to really tell me want to do he run the risk of total rejection of my saying “Bug off, I am not in the mood to play” This was a concern of his, not being able to see in my head. If we start off slowly and talk about what we each feel comfortable with I can assure him that will never happen!!

He says it is difficult to live one way for 20 years and then for everything to change at once. He loves the changes as much as I do but for a long time neither of us felt it would last. We had been the other way so very long. I started to apologize because I was the one who shut him out for so many years and that was the only time he seemed to not want to hear what I wanted to say. He stopped me and said "That’s in the past." He said “You were mostly wrapped up in being a mother and you did a great job. But now is what we are going to concentrate on!”

I feel like all I think about is spanking and blogging I know I seem to always have it on my mind while often I don’t think Nick is interested any more. I wish I thought he was more into it. I told him I still worried that it didn’t do anything for him but that he only did it to indulge me. I told Nick that I was really worrying that one day I would say something and he would just say “Enough already! You have a one track mind! I am tired of hearing it!” Nick kind of laughed. He asked “Have I ever given you any reason to think that?? I love the changes and I know blogging help keep all this going for us”.

We did talk a lot and I have no doubt that many parts of the conversation will come back to me in little sound bites but two things he said came through loud and clear. He said he was happy just being in the same vicinity as me these days and the sentence I remember above everything else

“I don’t want you to retreat”.

To me it said that he didn’t want me to withdraw as I had earlier in our marriage. Sometimes I have felt that as long as our sex life was much improved he didn’t really care too much about all the feelings and emotions. Okay I’m sorry I told you I didn’t give him enough credit.

Then the second thing he told me was really out of the blue. He gave me an assignment. Until he tells me differently I am to write a report on how I am feeling each Thursday, what I am thinking, worries – desires, whatever. Really?? He said we could talk anytime but each Thursday is a must. He really wants to know this stuff?? This could lead to … communication!

I know many of you have probably gone on to some light reading by now and that a shame because the good part was just coming up. I was feeling so much better we were actually having a conversation all curled up in bed together. He said I didn’t seem to be in the same mood as I had been a half hour earlier and that he thought I could definitely use some spanking after all that talking. He had me roll over and he got his belt which is one of my favorites. When he finished he lay back down on the bed with me and it was obvious that spanking me does indeed ‘do something’ for him. I felt he disserved the best BJ in the world and I sure gave it my best effort! I felt wonderful. I have felt wonderful all day today.

I know this post was long and probably a bit disjointed but it is the best I could recreate this very important evening at this time. I wanted a record for myself and I wanted Nick to know what I heard. I look forward to talking to him and trying to share what we are both feeling. If may seem late in the marriage to be starting this but better late that never!

And Eva, about this morning – I didn’t mind you saying ‘I told you so’ one bit!

19 comments:

  1. I am glad it worked out so well for you. I have a similar relationship with my hubby. I think you were very brave to have gone ahead to started talking. I know my husband doesn't feel very easy about talking. We have been married 20 years and his communication is just not great. We started spanking again in December; we had stopped about 8 years ago. About a month after we started again our relationship really improved. I mentioned that this should also help with our communication, that is what all these blogs have said. He jokingly told me not to believe everything I read. We are much happier now, but we still need to work on talking. He has gotten almost too good at spanking. Right now I am sitting here typing still feeling the effects of the loopy cane I bought him for Valentines Day from Canes4pain.
    I did not fine this post boring at all since I can relate to it:) Makes me feel that there is hope for better communication in my house.
    Jade

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  2. Pk - I do feel for you, I know how hard it is to want something so bad and not get it. You spend your whole time trying to communicate what you want and how you 'need' it, but when you speak there is just silence.
    Fear of rejection is one of the biggest 'problems' one can face in a relationship, and usually both partners have it.
    I know when with my ex I used to hate myself so much, why? Because I thought what I wanted/needed was wrong, and I was causing him grief selfishly. (Aside from the fact he didn't understand me or want to)...

    The assignment Nick gave you sounds to me as though he is trying. Put everything you have in this assignment, be open and show your 'submission'. After all it doesn't always have to start with them, be who you are first and trust him. If he loves you, which I am sure he does. He will do what is necessary - communication is the first step, the next is trust.

    You have Taken in Hand linked to your site, have you ever gathered some of those articles and shown them to Nick? When I was introducing DD to CM that was the first place I 'made' (yeah right) him check out, and he has been hooked ever since.
    No relationship is perfect, but what we have and strive to have is pretty good.
    I would suggest you have a good look at that site again, there is a lot of support as so many women feel like you do right now! I also read an article on there once about a couple in their late 40's, who changed their whole lifestyle around. It was very good and informative, as it really explained how they dealt with the challenge of 'change'...

    My best wishes are with you, and like you said to me - don't worry about having a whine. That's what your faithful readers are here for, support. Ok and daily lifestyle fixes *grins*!
    Keep your chin up,

    Hugs,
    Em x

    ps - this week has been crappy hasn't it?
    Sorry for the long comment, and hope you didn't mind my little bit of advice. I just wanted to offer some thoughts...

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  3. Great post Twin!!! I'm so happy for you!!! Talk to him talk to him talk to him. See? It does work and somehow I just KNEW that yes he did want to hear what you have to say.

    Hugs~
    Eva

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  4. PK, you boring never, what a wonderful post, I'm so happy for you both.
    Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. One of the most important rules in a spanko or D/D relationship.
    Nick's assignment is good, be honest and open, it will help.
    Everyone gets down in the dumps occasionally, as Eva says talking helps.
    Love you Pussy Kat.
    Warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  5. Hey, PK, I think your post is fabulous and goes a long way to show that we can often underestimate our men. Even those of us with DD relationships can forget about how important the communication part is. I've been working (on and off) on a "compromise kit" to help couples communicate better - you wanna be a guinea pig for it? It's completely generic, no kinks, no sexual preferences, LOL

    Huggs,
    Reesa

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  6. Anonymous2:28 PM

    Ellis,
    I too have been married to my honey for over 20 years and just about a year ago I told him about my long held inside, desires for him to spank me. I had tried for years to give him hints but he didn't get it, it only got me a few slaps during sex and he soon forgot. To say the least he was very reluctant and wasn't sure it would be OK when I finally got brave enough (thanks bonnie's blog & tutorials) to tell him what I wanted. But he would do anything for me and we too have been on a journey. Your post today left me with tears in my eyes as I am one of your lurkers. I come here often to see how you are doing as my story is similar to yours. We too have been communicating a lot more about us this past year and just a few weeks ago I had a little break down similar to yours. My honey had been doing fine and our spanking progression is slow but he is soo good at it :) and I know he is enjoying it too maybe not in the same spanko sense as myself but our relationship benefits so many ways from the closeness it has brought us. Anyway I digress, I too was worried about the clossness going away and me going back to being alone but with someone and the thought made me incredibly sad. I started to retreat as you say but he wouldn't let me as your Nick has done for you. We truly do not give them the credit they deserve! It has been a few weeks and I now feel that he gets me better and better all the time and I so love how he loves me these days and feel more confident that it will last. I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in your feelings but, that at least one other person is on a similar journey. I know it is worth it and remember that the journey can be as exciting as the destination!

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  7. If you can talk to him like you do to us, you'd have it made! I guess Thursday's "feelings" essay is like blogging! See problems solved!

    I'm so happy you have arrived!

    Huggs
    Theresa

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  8. Elis
    I'm so happy for you that Nick is interested enough in what you have to say and how you feel to make a special day for communicating. You must be sitting on cloud nine!

    The feeling that you described about thinking he didn't or wouldn't want to hear what you say rings a big bell with me. I'm having a very difficult timing bringing this up to MrC again. It is that fear of rejection, and it has me stopped in my tracks!

    Please keep communicating with Nick, it seems that it's important to him to and y'all have come so far!

    ~Hugs!

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  9. Horray PK!!!! I knew you could do it! I knew you had the strength to make it through the first steps, and I was sure Nick would be on board immediately helping you make it through! I think the essay is a wonderful idea. Just like blogging! It shows so much how he loves and trusts you! I know the trust is there in your relationship and I know the love is, now just the communication! It just takes a while! You can do it!!!! And Nick will ALWAYS be there for you! And us too!

    Love,

    Carye

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  10. PK,
    Now you know the answer. That does not mean that it will always be easy. But obviously you know that this closeness you have found is worth the effort and Nick has told you that he knows it is too.

    When you write each Thursday he will want to know the things you are happy about -- tell him!! But also tell him what you are unhappy about. He loves you and he can handle it. Give him the chance!

    Love,
    Cassie

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  11. Jade,
    Our relationship has improved so dramatically my head is still spinning after nearly a year. Even with my problems opening up completely we are so much better at communicating. We still have a ways to go, but we won't give up now!!

    Em,
    Thanks for your comment. I knew I feared rejection from him but it never occured to me that he might have some of the same concerns.

    I really am happy about the assignment. It is the first time he has ever ask me to tell him my feelings. I think I needed an invitation.

    I haven't really spent any time at taken in hand lately and that is a good idea! Nick is very good about reading things that I ask him to. I will go back and do some reading.

    Em, I always love comments and I will take any advice you have!!!

    Eva,
    Really thanks for putting up with me. I hope you really know how much you mean to me!

    Paul,
    As you have read communication does not always come naturally to me. But I am very excited about the assignment!

    Reesa,
    It really would be easier if they could just read our minds!! Email me more information about this 'compromise kit'. We'll talk.

    Anon,
    Wow we really do seem to be at the same place in our journey. That you for commenting it helps so much to know other are going through the same things and are feeling the same doubts and fears. You and I are very lucky with the men we have chosen!! If you ever want to you can email me at elisspeaks@yahoo.com I would love to hear from you.

    Theresa,
    Talking to your husband like you do your girlfriends... what a concept! I am going to give it a try!

    Maggie,
    I am on cloud 9! But I am so surprised. As you read I didn't think he wanted to know or to listen. Maybe MrC deserves another chance too. You write so well, you need to write or email more!

    Carye!
    You knew more than I did! I was so very scary. But I do know he will be there for me and with Nick and all you guys i really have it made!!

    Yes Cassie,
    It really is worth the effort. And you are also right that I need to share the good and the bad both!

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  12. Talking??? You mean we are suppose to talk to our mates?

    I thought that was what e-mail was for!

    Seriously, talking is really a great way to communicate. But when we do, we open ourselves up for rejection. This is where trust comes in. We have to trust our mate so that we CAN communicate better.

    Bossman said the same thing to me about being rejected if I'm not in the mood or something like that. Believe it our not, our men have feelings too! They don't like being rejected either. Isn't that an amazing discovery? Once I realized I wasn't the only one with feelings I realized how important communication truly is.

    Talking is key in any relationship, but if your going to try and build a d/d relationship talking is VITAL!

    Also, remember that no two d/d relationship is the same. What works for us, may not work for you and Nick. Keep that in mind and don't get discouraged if you try something and it doesn't work very well. Most importantly, don't get discouraged if you go through a dry spell, (I know that VERY well) as all relationships tend to go through those at one time or another.

    Great post! Thoughtful and insightful.

    Love ya,
    HUGS!
    grace

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  13. PK,

    Sometimes we think too much and share too little. Nick is a wise man and he loves you. Telling him is definitely the way to go.

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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  14. Someone should have told you to talk to Nick a long time ago! ... lol.

    We understand your feelings. It's hard when you feel you're not only not on the same page... but, in fact, in different libraries. And it's hard to talk about it, because you do risk total rejection... and that is oh-so painful.

    Fact is though, Nick isn't ever going to do that. You do never would have got from there to here if either of you had that in your hearts.

    We exchange Emails from time to time, btw. In fact, we did so just this morning. It's a way to speak clearly and get it all out... and not feel defensive and thus fall away from the topic. So, we really think your weekly report is a great idea!

    :)
    ~Todd & Suzy

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  15. Someone should have told you to talk to Nick a long time ago! ... lol.

    We understand your feelings. It's hard when you feel you're not only not on the same page... but, in fact, in different libraries. And it's hard to talk about it, because you do risk total rejection... and that is oh-so painful.

    Fact is though, Nick isn't ever going to do that. You do never would have got from there to here if either of you had that in your hearts.

    We exchange Emails from time to time, btw. In fact, we did so just this morning. It's a way to speak clearly and get it all out... and not feel defensive and thus fall away from the topic. So, we really think your weekly report is a great idea!

    :)
    ~Todd & Suzy

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  16. Someone should have told you to talk to Nick a long time ago! ... lol.

    We understand your feelings. It's hard when you feel you're not only not on the same page... but, in fact, in different libraries. And it's hard to talk about it, because you do risk total rejection... and that is oh-so painful.

    Fact is though, Nick isn't ever going to do that. You do never would have got from there to here if either of you had that in your hearts.

    We exchange Emails from time to time, btw. In fact, we did so just this morning. It's a way to speak clearly and get it all out... and not feel defensive and thus fall away from the topic. So, we really think your weekly report is a great idea!

    :)
    ~Todd & Suzy

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  17. Bonnie,
    "think too much and share too little" I think you really hit the nail on the head!! I know this is what I have often done.

    Todd and Suzy,
    How crazy am I to not realize guys risk rejection too. I do know now that what we have is for real. Maybe not always smooth but always together.

    PK

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  18. Grace,
    I hear you too. This communication thing should be easier. As much as we love our men how in the world could they ever feel rejected??

    Hugs,
    PK

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  19. Oh, PK, it does my heart good to see how much you two have grown, and grown toward each other...

    I could do well to learn from you right about now as I'm struggling more than a little these days, too.

    Love you so much,
    Tiggs

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