Friday night was an extreme experience for me. I have not been doing well lately. I have been sad, depressed, worried, pretty much completely unsettled. Okay let’s address the hormone issue first before all is dismissed because of menopause. The feelings I have been having are the same doubts and fears that have plagued me on and off thought out our marriage and through this past year. But now instead of being able to suppress and hide all my feeling as is normal for me, they sometimes overwhelmed me. Maybe that is that because of the hormones or because I have been so happy this last year I can see the potential for long term happiness and I fear it’s loss. Doesn’t really matter.
Nick and I have been alone several afternoon this past week but very little connection. Friday night Mollie had an over night party at a friends so we were on our own. I was looking forward to the evening but as we were out eating Nick triggered an additionally flood of these negative feeling – what did he do? He did not read my mind and I ended up with my feelings hurt. Did he know I was upset? Of course not, that would have involved me talking to him. So I just got quiet and nursed my hurt feeling and worries and doubts.
Back home I emailed Eva who has listened to me whine on and off about things for a long time. I must say that for an extremely intelligent woman, her advice seemed to be in a rut! It’s always the same “Talk to Nick!” Geeze! Can’t she come up with something new!? I told her about my evening and how it was making me feel and the following was what she sent me, my thought are in red …
Honestly it's okay to talk to him....Maybe but I don't know how to begin After all these years of you hiding feelings from him, put yourself in his shoes... Everything has always been fine in his eyes because you've lied to him over and over and over by telling him so... by letting on that you're fine.... why don't you try backing up and tell him that there have been times Times!! I have never done anything else ...when you've hidden your feelings from him but you've reached a point where you really need his strength and you just want him to listen..... it's worth a shot, yes? I can't breathe when I think of doing this face to face.
How had he hurt your feelings? Too stupid to go into. I'll tell you sometime. Only a spanko would understand. And Nick isn't one. did you tell him you wanted to talk? Of course not Did he tell you he didn't want to hear it? He told me a long, long time ago that he didn't If he didn't want to hear it would he bother reading blogs? maybe I don't know... Practice breathing and thinking simultaneously... it would be a good first step. That I can do it’s the talking part added in that is so difficult!
I had no real plan to take her advice but by the time I went to bed I really had no choice. I was so upset Nick couldn’t help but noticing. I took a deep breath and tried talking. I thought it would be easier once I got started. Let me tell you it was like dragging an anchor over gravel! When I started I still didn’t really think Nick would want to hear any of it. I have never given the man enough credit.
I really don’t know what I said and I mean that – I don’t know. But I did talk between crying. I told him I was upset because I didn’t feel I could talk to him. I didn’t always feel like he wanted me to. He assured me he did and that he was no good at reading my mind.
He is still uncertain was about really truly what I want. I told him I still dreamed of a dd relationship in some form but that I knew he would never be comfortable with it. He says that it is not out of the question at some point but that we will have to work up to it. He says if he takes the step to really tell me want to do he run the risk of total rejection of my saying “Bug off, I am not in the mood to play” This was a concern of his, not being able to see in my head. If we start off slowly and talk about what we each feel comfortable with I can assure him that will never happen!!
He says it is difficult to live one way for 20 years and then for everything to change at once. He loves the changes as much as I do but for a long time neither of us felt it would last. We had been the other way so very long. I started to apologize because I was the one who shut him out for so many years and that was the only time he seemed to not want to hear what I wanted to say. He stopped me and said "That’s in the past." He said “You were mostly wrapped up in being a mother and you did a great job. But now is what we are going to concentrate on!”
I feel like all I think about is spanking and blogging I know I seem to always have it on my mind while often I don’t think Nick is interested any more. I wish I thought he was more into it. I told him I still worried that it didn’t do anything for him but that he only did it to indulge me. I told Nick that I was really worrying that one day I would say something and he would just say “Enough already! You have a one track mind! I am tired of hearing it!” Nick kind of laughed. He asked “Have I ever given you any reason to think that?? I love the changes and I know blogging help keep all this going for us”.
We did talk a lot and I have no doubt that many parts of the conversation will come back to me in little sound bites but two things he said came through loud and clear. He said he was happy just being in the same vicinity as me these days and the sentence I remember above everything else
“I don’t want you to retreat”.
To me it said that he didn’t want me to withdraw as I had earlier in our marriage. Sometimes I have felt that as long as our sex life was much improved he didn’t really care too much about all the feelings and emotions. Okay I’m sorry I told you I didn’t give him enough credit.
Then the second thing he told me was really out of the blue. He gave me an assignment. Until he tells me differently I am to write a report on how I am feeling each Thursday, what I am thinking, worries – desires, whatever. Really?? He said we could talk anytime but each Thursday is a must. He really wants to know this stuff?? This could lead to … communication!
I know many of you have probably gone on to some light reading by now and that a shame because the good part was just coming up. I was feeling so much better we were actually having a conversation all curled up in bed together. He said I didn’t seem to be in the same mood as I had been a half hour earlier and that he thought I could definitely use some spanking after all that talking. He had me roll over and he got his belt which is one of my favorites. When he finished he lay back down on the bed with me and it was obvious that spanking me does indeed ‘do something’ for him. I felt he disserved the best BJ in the world and I sure gave it my best effort! I felt wonderful. I have felt wonderful all day today.
I know this post was long and probably a bit disjointed but it is the best I could recreate this very important evening at this time. I wanted a record for myself and I wanted Nick to know what I heard. I look forward to talking to him and trying to share what we are both feeling. If may seem late in the marriage to be starting this but better late that never!
And Eva, about this morning – I didn’t mind you saying ‘I told you so’ one bit!