I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, October 16, 2016

You'd think I'd know what I was doing by now.

I see that Rogue has posted - it didn't come up as a new post in my blogroll, so if you want to check this out you can find her post here.

I’ve mulled over my last spanking, well now I’m talking about my next-to-the-last spanking. I’m still not completely clear in my head, but I’ll tell you about it anyway. Nick doesn’t read here any more and after years of that bugging the fool out of me, I’m okay with it now. I guess the problem is that he does read on rare occasions.



Evidently he read the post I put up ‘If Screaming Would Help’. Where I admitted that I needed some stress relief, but that I wouldn’t ask for it. As he told me as he cornered me in the bedroom before my trip last weekend, “A little bird told me you needed some stress relief. If I remember correctly those last a little longer and are a little harder than the fun stuff.” The spanking then was longer and harder than usual. Lindy came the closest when she surmised that the spanking was for distancing. I guess it really was, because he asked why I hadn’t just told him what I needed. He then asked if I didn’t have a friend out here that could let him know when I was having problems and couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He said I should choose someone I trust and give them his email. I thought that was sweet, it’s not going to happen, but it was a sweet idea.

I think the core of my distancing is not really trying to distance from Nick personally, it’s more like just closing up into myself. It’s sometimes triggered – usually unexpectedly – by my deep seated want, desire, need for discipline. This need used to crop up frequently. Now not so much, maybe no more a couple of times a year. But as we’ve played for a decade with TTWD I realize that this isn’t some I want from Nick.

Nick is the best man in the world. He’s very easy going, not much I do really bothers him (thank goodness). I’ve seen Nick angry, even angry at me and I can guarantee that on those rare occasions spanking has never entered his mind. I sometime wonder what it would be like if he spanked at those times. Not enough to want to find out in real life, but I do wonder. For Nick spanking is a fun, relaxing, often sexy way for us to be together and I’m happy to keep it that way. Nick can’t scold or lecture and it’s not in his nature and I don’t want him to change.

The problem is that when the spanking is just for fun and games – it just hurts. It doesn’t reach my mind, it just hurts, and that isn’t always fun. When the feelings become too overwhelming I have asked Nick to just spank, with no talking or anything so that I have the time to get my head in the right space and convince myself that there is a reason for the spanking. I’m always shocked at how much more I can take when this happens.

To sum up: I enjoy our fun, sexy spankings. I sometimes want/need deeper discipline. I don’t want Nick to do this because I want him to be true to himself not ever pretend to be someone he’s not. I know he’ll help me with one of those silent, hard spankings when I really need them, but I don’t like to ask because it makes me feel weird, strange and somehow damaged and I don’t want him seeing me that way.

You see why I don’t write about this as much anymore – I just end up more confused than when I started. But I guess the bottom line is – I love Nick, he loves me and that’s all that matters.

19 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness PK are you my sister from another mother as people like to say. Your life and mine run parallel to each other in so many aspects. My sweet man sounds so much like Nick and I crave spankings as you do. Seem to have gone down the gurgler here.
    Guess we are back to vanilla. *insert a pout
    Hugs Lindy

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    1. We do run parallel at times. One day I wish he could see inside my head, the next I'm most grateful he can't!

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  2. So um, I do believe I have Nick's email address..... Just sayin'

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    1. You need to delete that sucker!

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  3. PK,
    This Ttwd thing is always ebbing and flowing........... it brings us closer after many years of the side-by-side condo thing. Relax and love your sweet Nick. He loves you and supports you in many ways. I rather like it one way for real and another way in my head. The good news is that we are here to support one another and that makes all the difference.
    Meredith

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    1. I have the best of both worlds - friends who understand this crazy lifestyle and a husband is more than willing to try living this crazy lifestyle whether he understands or not.

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  4. Once again, you told my story. Hugs

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    1. It may not change thing, but it still helps to know this.

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  5. Deena3:42 PM

    This TTWD thing is SO confusing. Makes me crazy sometimes. I think I want one thing then I wish I had another but mostly it is still hugely uncomfortable for me to talk to my guy about - for exactly the reason(S) you mention. And I know that communication is key and we do communicate more but not enough. Once again, to you wonderful ladies who blog, please know I am grateful and learn from you all the time.

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    1. Deena, you make me feel good. Although I love blogging, lately I have the feeling about five people read. I'm glad to know you're out there and that you don't mind reading these confusing thoughts. BTW, after 10 years I still communicate best with Nick through email.

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  6. I agree with Deena, PK...TTWD is very confusing and requires so much communication.

    Wish I had a magic pill for everyone to received exactly what they need. I do try to keep up with your blog as well as Lindy's and Sunny's. If you ladies want to share hubbies' email, I will be more than happy to email them when you post a need for spanking. :D

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

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    1. This is a kind offer, but I think I'll hang on to Nick's email, LOL! I'm going to keep looking for that magic pill.

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  7. Hi PK, I'm glad Nick read the post and acted. I too would be willing to enail :) Although Nick may not spank for discipline, I think he does get your needs and I think it's great that he us willing to give you more when you need it. Argh! why is it so hard for us to ask?

    I love your last line. You are so right :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I know he gets it more than many guys would, but asking will never be easy for us.

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  8. PK, this post is most important because of its honesty. It helps me to hear that other women like me don't really understand the way we are either. Why can't I ask?

    Sometimes I think it would be nice if there were a magic wand that made Sam know exactly what I needed. But think what that would mean. Then it wouldn't be Sam spanking me but just some pretend HOH in my head.

    Meredith is right, too. There is an ebb and flow to ttwd.

    Ella Sending You a Very Big Hug

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    1. When we began I knew exactly what I wanted and I tried my best to explain it to Nick. As time has gone on I'm more confused and less able to explain myself.

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  9. You and about every woman here. Bikss is easy going and fun and likes the sexual spankings. As do i. But sometimes i just crave the harder stuff. And asking him for it makes me feel like im weird or that im making him be something he's not. It looks like this might be normal for a lot of people after all. But as u say. As long as u love each other right?

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    1. It's really true, so many of us share this problem. It the past it's seems so simple in my head, but Nick never really understood this need.

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  10. I get it - I really do... big hugs to you

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