I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, April 20, 2015

The invisible elephant


I haven’t been posting too much lately and several of you have emailed asking if everything’s okay. The answer is yes, everything’s fine. But as far as TTWD, I don’t think we do anymore. I’m aware this could change, we’ve often gone back and forth, but nothing is going to happen until one of us addresses this huge elephant in the room and as far as I know the elephant is invisible to Nick. It’s my place to say something, I’m the one who called a halt to our Fridays, I could ask him to start back, but I’m not sure I have another rally in me.

Neither of us is mad. We’re back to being the best roommates in the world. We speak nicely, we laugh, we cuddle in bed – but we don’t talk, we don’t seem to have any interest in what the other is thinking or feeling. It’s roommates all the way.

I can’t blame Nick – he’s a man, talking, discussing feelings is not something he’s good at. He never has been and honestly I’m not great at in myself unless I have a keyboard to go through. It can be a tedious way to communicate.

I want the closeness we had when I first came out. I want that excitement of looking at one another in a crowed and grinning – knowing we had a special secret shared only between us. I want the sexual desires I had then. I want the hope and excitement for what could come.

I also want to be left alone and not have to try to explain myself. It’s much easier being roommates.

Geeze this sounds depressing – and I’m not depressed. I’m fine, not wildly happy, but just fine.

36 comments:

  1. You know I'm right there with you.

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  2. Sorry PK:/ I've been there...

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    1. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

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  3. Oh PK, I don't know what to say. you have my sympathy. Don't give up though, maybe show Nick this post, you must find a way to not let it all go , hard though it is.
    much love Jan,xx

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    1. I don't want to give it up - but I don't have the energy to pursue it either.

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  4. Sometimes we need a little breathing space in order to re-assess.

    I think Dan is quite similar to Nick and therefore I understand only too well how difficult it is to "really talk" about certain hopes, desires, fantasies. But the only way you are going to get past this elephant is to somehow find a way to talk. I know I end up crying my eyes out when we have these hiccups; Dan panics, and then suddenly it all comes out and ends up not being as bad as I had thought.

    All I can do is be right there with you in sisterly empathy. But don't give up on yourself, or Nick.

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. The sisterly empathy is much appreciated. If I were to actually 'talk' face to face with words and everything I would cry and be totally unable to articulate anything. So I don't do that, I just turn everything inward with no outward appearance of a problem.

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  5. ((Hugs)) PK, I feel you. When ttwd wasn't active here it was the closeness and excitement I missed too. We aren't there yet, but we are slowly making our way and trying to figure out what works for us.

    Take the plunge and ask Nick to re - start Fridays and tell him what you miss. Ask him to read this.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I just can't take that plunge right now. My hearts no in it. And when i comes to asking him to read, that gets my back up too. I don't post every day and most of my post are short. He knows I like him to read here and the very fact that he doesn't goes a long way to let me know he doesn't care what I'm thinking and feeling.

      Imagine if our husbands wrote their feeling down on a blog - would anything keep us from reading it. He checks his computer every day, but he doesn't have 2 or 3 minutes to read here?

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  6. I had to smile at that word 'fine'..it sure does cover a lot of territory. I have used it a lot in the pass....mostly when i was trying to convince myself that i was indeed 'fine'....and i almost succeeded. Summer vacation is coming, you will be less tired and stressed in general...so maybe then you can work on upgrading from 'fine' to something better.
    hugs abby

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    1. I do realize fine isn't a word that is easily defined. But I'm not about to go postal, I have no intentions of jumping off a bridge or shooting Nick either. I'm just fine, okay, whatever...

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  7. Hope you don't mind a lurker, but I just wanted to step out and send a virtual HUG.
    The way you described the closeness, and the special secret, and the desires rings similar with me as well as not wanting to have to explain ourselves.
    I'm currently in the room mate stage again and it's a vicious cycle.
    I would say to just get it out and talk, but I'd be a hypocrite because we have the same elephant just a bit different here and I know I should start the ball rolling but I never do and I just keep on existing in a neutral state.
    I'm sure we all know that the only way to end the in between state is to talk, so we have to get over that hump of not wanting to explain ourselves. Easier said then done right?
    maybe make a list or try writing out the things you don't want to have to explain over a week or so, so that it comes together more fluently and you can busy it out without having to explain too much, or at least have more organized explaining. Maybe show him what you write out?
    Wish I was more helpful!
    hugs - E

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    1. E, you're more helpful than you know. It helps so much to know that there are others like me or 'us' (me and Nick). Sometimes I read blogs and think everyone else has this all figured out. I know that's not true, but it can start to feel that way.

      I suppose we'll talk sometime, but I'm just not there yet.

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  8. PK,
    Know that I am thinking of you. Life always has a way of going up and down. You already know that.
    Meredith

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    1. I appreciate the thought's Meredith.

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  9. Is it coincidental that so many of us submissives are/have been feeling this way of late? Could it be that it is Spring and it may be making us a bit more needy of attention from our Doms/Dommes ?

    Hang in there darling. I'm sure he'll "come around"

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    1. It could be - I know this is a busy time for me. I come home tired and I know he does. It just seems so much easier not to try.

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  10. PK,

    I think the only way to get rid of that elephant is to find a way to talk with Nick. Really talk. You need to find out what's he's thinking as well, yes I know hard and men aren't too forthcoming but the only way forward it so talk. Don't give up.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. I think what he thinks is that he wished he'd married someone who wasn't so damn strange.

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  11. PK, Hermione said this back in 2008 about a drought in TTWD with Ron:

    "The next morning while I was showering I remembered all the great advice that you, my dear friends, had given me. Tell him what you want. Men aren't at all intuitive. he can't read your mind. Well, I thought I had been pretty direct, but I'd give it one more try.

    PK, Even though I'm a guy, I'm trust I'm wise enough not to defend men in general or HoH more specifically against the charge of Failure of Intuition, Repeat Offenders.

    Talking, getting the worries out, is almost always better than any of the alternatives.

    PS Failure of Intuition is not confined to any gender.

    Jon

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    1. Nick hates to talk! I think (and I could be wrong, because I'm guessing) that he would rather let the whole think go that have to keep talking about it. That would be bad enough but I think I'm beginning to feel the same way.

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  12. I do hope this is only a phase. But, you have to communicate or it will make things worse for you both.

    Sorry you are going through this.

    Hugs,
    Kathy

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    1. Thanks Kathy - I know, I know. But I just don't want to. It makes me feel like a bad wife, but it's the way I feel.

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  13. Dear PK,
    Do you have the will and energy to hangout until the summer holidays? I hope that as the sun rises brighter and warmer each day it may recharge your batteries enough to get through this slump.

    Most mens don't like to talk as they hate facing the mirror on their lives and emotions that this type of conversation generates. But with a little energy and time to recover from a broken ego we also appreciate what that mirror shows.

    Hang in there and store up all the love and blessings everyone is sending....soon will be the time to use it to its best effect

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    1. Waiting a while sounds great. It's a crazy time of year anyway. Hopefully summer will be better.

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  14. I wish I had some pithy advice to give you. It sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place. Knowing you want more and yet you sound too worn down to try to get it. I just hope that at some point, you recharge your batteries and give it another try. Good luck and don't give up. You don't want a roommate. You want a husband who wants to take you.

    FD

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    1. FD, I really appreciate your support. I do want more than a roommate and I hope I won't settle.

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  15. Giant hugs to you, PK! :) Oh gosh- when you are ready, and the "fine" becomes something else, "Tell him what you need!" I know that you have done it before, but like everything, the time will be right for you to go for it again. I am betting that Nick will help you out. But you have to tell him. :) Even if it is each time. It is worth a try, right? Lots of love sent your way,

    <3 Katie

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    1. It would certainly be worth a try if I had any hope it would really work.

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  16. So wish I had some wise and wonderful words for you PK but I don't so I'll just send lots of prayers and positive energy that things work out the way you want. Meanwhile, at least please visit and let us know how you, Nick and your kiddos are doing.

    Hugs and blessings...
    Cat

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    1. I'm not about to stop blogging - all you people out here keep me sane. Thought Nick might challenge that statement!

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  17. Anonymous5:06 PM

    I'm a lurker and a wife who has been trying desperately to make her husband understand what she needs. I tried two years ago and was turned down flat in a not-so-nice way. I am trying again, taking a different tact. We've been married a long time so this is odd for him. I appreciate knowing that other men aren't completely comfortable/understanding and I especially appreciate knowing that I am, in fact, not strange. So please know that YOU are not strange (as you described yourself above). I think you are brave and deserve the lifestyle that works for you. Hoping you find your way to work through this.

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    1. Anon, I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I'm sure it's confusing for our men - if only they would listen and BELIEVE us! When I put it to Nick in a purely erotic way he's all over it. But when I mention anything real, anything concerning discipline he just doesn't seem to get it at all.

      No we aren't strange - there are way too many of us who feel the same way. But I know it's still a difficult concept for some.

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  18. I understand. I really honest and truly do.
    Please don't give up...let's all keep hoping together.
    There has to be hope that our thoughts and feelings will be heard and that connection and spark will return and return and return again with the ups and downs of life...no turning back...I have to believe that. :-) Big hugs to you. If you need to talk you know where to find me.

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