Story of my life

My dieting life, that is, or the getting healthy lifestyle – whatever you want to call it, I’m sucking at it.  It’s been a bad week.  I gained a little last week. Then I ate out a couple of times and Monday was just one of those days.  I have nothing to blame it on.  I wanted to eat.  I wasn’t even particularly stress or angry at work. I just wanted to eat, so I did.  Then when I do that I get mad because I’ve blown the week and I want to eat more because I’m pissed with myself. 

I want to be thinner; I want that for my health – my joints, avoiding diabetes, bone strength and so many more benefits. And I also want it so I’ll feel better about myself; I want to feel more attractive.  That’s a good thing for any woman.  I need exercise so much and I won’t do it, at least not consistently.  I hear you are supposed to find an exercise you enjoy so you’ll actually do it.  I haven’t found one.

So what about the old spanking connection?  I guess that there isn’t one, Nick doesn’t do discipline. He sometimes pretends he’s doing it, but it’s just foreplay for him.  I’ve always wondered if it would work for me.  I’m not saying it would, or even that I still want it, but I wonder. It’s not Nick’s job to be the diet police.  I know that. It’s not his job to be the police, and evidently I won’t do it.  I guess that leaves me nowhere.

I really don’t know if it would work, even if Nick tried.  I’m not always completely honest with him.  I don’t lie, but I’m not honest.  I guess this is where Cassie and I are most alike. He’s been known to ask me if I’ve gone by the gym. I truthfully answer yes, failing to add – right on by, never even slowed down.  He asks if I’m keeping up with my points on WW.  Again I truthfully answer yes, but fail to mention that I’m no longer recording them, I’m keeping up mentally.  I’ve tried to really figure out why I do this to myself and to Nick.

So I asked myself the following:  If Nick tells you he wants you to go to the gym one afternoon, and you really want him to be the enforcer and spank you if you don’t, why would you lie about it?  Why not just tell him you didn’t go.  Maybe he would spank you because of it, isn’t that what you’d want?

Great question, PK!

The reason I don’t tell him is not because he might spank me, I don’t tell him because I fear he’d say “Fine, whatever.  You were the one who ask for help.  I’m not going to run behind you and check to see if you’re being honest.  I’m not your daddy.  If you’re not going to take this seriously, why should I?” That’s what’s so annoying. In my head his questions are clear and make sense, while I have no answer.

Even as I type this I see many of my friends out here, their fingers eagerly reaching for the T – A – L – K   T – O    H – I – M keys.  Save your typing fingers folks.  Ain’t gonna happen.  I can’t talk to him about anything serious about spanking.  It’s not that he won’t listen, but it has become so emotional for me that I cannot open my mouth about it without crying.  And I despise crying! I end up sounding like an ass, I can’t explain myself, and I just end up making both of us extremely uncomfortable.

I can be content with fun, erotic spankings (although I wish he would just stick with that and not pretend it’s anything else).  He is great with fun, erotic spankings and TTWD (whatever it is) is still the greatest thing that has ever happened to our sex life, but there is still a longing, sometimes, for something more.  Thankfully, these feelings are neatly suppressed 90% of the time. Then when it does start to overwhelm me, I can come here and let off some of the suppressed pressure.  Being able to write here, to kinda whine or complain it in a post ever few months, keeps me from obsessing about it and getting depressed.

Will Nick read this?  Could be, but it doesn’t matter.  He tries to understand me.  I realize it’s not always that easy. He doesn’t know what I want, because I don’t know what I want.  To be middle-aged and still so confused stinks.

I’ve screwed up this week weight wise.  Hope to get my head on straight soon.