I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Story of my life

My dieting life, that is, or the getting healthy lifestyle – whatever you want to call it, I’m sucking at it.  It’s been a bad week.  I gained a little last week. Then I ate out a couple of times and Monday was just one of those days.  I have nothing to blame it on.  I wanted to eat.  I wasn’t even particularly stress or angry at work. I just wanted to eat, so I did.  Then when I do that I get mad because I’ve blown the week and I want to eat more because I’m pissed with myself. 

I want to be thinner; I want that for my health – my joints, avoiding diabetes, bone strength and so many more benefits. And I also want it so I’ll feel better about myself; I want to feel more attractive.  That’s a good thing for any woman.  I need exercise so much and I won’t do it, at least not consistently.  I hear you are supposed to find an exercise you enjoy so you’ll actually do it.  I haven’t found one.

So what about the old spanking connection?  I guess that there isn’t one, Nick doesn’t do discipline. He sometimes pretends he’s doing it, but it’s just foreplay for him.  I’ve always wondered if it would work for me.  I’m not saying it would, or even that I still want it, but I wonder. It’s not Nick’s job to be the diet police.  I know that. It’s not his job to be the police, and evidently I won’t do it.  I guess that leaves me nowhere.

I really don’t know if it would work, even if Nick tried.  I’m not always completely honest with him.  I don’t lie, but I’m not honest.  I guess this is where Cassie and I are most alike. He’s been known to ask me if I’ve gone by the gym. I truthfully answer yes, failing to add – right on by, never even slowed down.  He asks if I’m keeping up with my points on WW.  Again I truthfully answer yes, but fail to mention that I’m no longer recording them, I’m keeping up mentally.  I’ve tried to really figure out why I do this to myself and to Nick.

So I asked myself the following:  If Nick tells you he wants you to go to the gym one afternoon, and you really want him to be the enforcer and spank you if you don’t, why would you lie about it?  Why not just tell him you didn’t go.  Maybe he would spank you because of it, isn’t that what you’d want?

Great question, PK!

The reason I don’t tell him is not because he might spank me, I don’t tell him because I fear he’d say “Fine, whatever.  You were the one who ask for help.  I’m not going to run behind you and check to see if you’re being honest.  I’m not your daddy.  If you’re not going to take this seriously, why should I?” That’s what’s so annoying. In my head his questions are clear and make sense, while I have no answer.

Even as I type this I see many of my friends out here, their fingers eagerly reaching for the T – A – L – K   T – O    H – I – M keys.  Save your typing fingers folks.  Ain’t gonna happen.  I can’t talk to him about anything serious about spanking.  It’s not that he won’t listen, but it has become so emotional for me that I cannot open my mouth about it without crying.  And I despise crying! I end up sounding like an ass, I can’t explain myself, and I just end up making both of us extremely uncomfortable.

I can be content with fun, erotic spankings (although I wish he would just stick with that and not pretend it’s anything else).  He is great with fun, erotic spankings and TTWD (whatever it is) is still the greatest thing that has ever happened to our sex life, but there is still a longing, sometimes, for something more.  Thankfully, these feelings are neatly suppressed 90% of the time. Then when it does start to overwhelm me, I can come here and let off some of the suppressed pressure.  Being able to write here, to kinda whine or complain it in a post ever few months, keeps me from obsessing about it and getting depressed.

Will Nick read this?  Could be, but it doesn’t matter.  He tries to understand me.  I realize it’s not always that easy. He doesn’t know what I want, because I don’t know what I want.  To be middle-aged and still so confused stinks.

I’ve screwed up this week weight wise.  Hope to get my head on straight soon.


  1. I'm sorry PK. This is hard and I don't think you came across as whining. It's a longing for something that has to be all in or it doesn't work right in our heads.

    I don't have any brilliant words but was feeling for you.

    Hope this week goes better with the eating and exercise.

  2. PK, you know I'm behind you, but I can't speak for Nick.
    Take a deep breath and try again.
    Love and warm hugs,

  3. "Fine, whatever" from him hurts more than the hardest spanking. I know.

    I think its time for a girls weekend...

  4. Love ya, friend. Today is a new day and so you'll do better. Keep up the great work with Cassie stories!

  5. I feel for you as im reading this because i know what that feels like. That feeling of something missing. I wish i had some words of wisdom for you, but maybe just try again to be honest when he asks about stuff. That fear of getting the reaction thatll hurt sucks, but so does the what if feeling.

  6. No words of advice...just a big HUG. You will be on summer break soon, that should help a little.

  7. PK: The nice thing is that when you feel frustrated, you can come to us and talk to us and, hopefully, that will make you feel better. You know your blogger friends all wish you the best. Good luck. And don't beat up on yourself,


  8. PK, you know you and I are in the same place. I could just change the name on the post. It is like reading my own biography. At this point, we have to be our own best friends and do what we do best - and that is enjoying what we have. Good luck friend and don't beat yourself up. Just get back on the wagon. As Scarlett said "After all, tomorrow is another day. HAHAHAH

  9. Anonymous10:49 AM

    Good luck with wanting to exercise and eat right!


    P.S. I still think you can do it! You just have to want to bad enough.

  10. I've no great words of wisdom PK but were there right behind you.

    You have to get up, dust yourself off, don't give in. You can do anything you want, you just have to want it.

    Love and hugs,

  11. It's frustrating to not be able to tell them what it is we want. That intangible something we can't explain and they don't comprehend. Feel better soon, and know you ain't alone :)

  12. Hi PK,
    I am sorry. I empathize. I know many of us out here understand. You are not alone. I connect to what you say so often related to my own life...in some ways different but in many ways the same. I struggle with the endless communicating which ends up in emotions I know in my heart but can't seem to explain to my husband. I am going through a difficult time myself with healthy eating/exercise/and TTWD. If you need to talk you know where to find me. Sending hugs...terps

  13. Susie,
    It does help that others understand. There isn’t an ‘answer’, but I feel better hearing from others.

    Just needing some support Paul, I’m glad you are always there for me.

    Boy are you right about that! He’s never actually said it, but I guess that’s always been my biggest fear.

    Thanks. Writing Cassie is my soft place to land.

    Playful little brat,
    I’m just thinking now that he is doing what he can. I can’t ask him to do more than he is comfortable with. He does so much for me now. I think I know what I want and then I ask myself if I really want him to change. It’s so confusing.

    I appreciate the hug and I’m grabbing at summer vacation like a drowning woman.

    You all don’t know how much that means to me. I used to just really spiral into depression. I really don’t when I write. I might be down a little, but being able to write here means so much to me.

    I think we’re a part of a very large club. I’m trying to get back at it. I did go to the gym today.

    Kitty and Ronnie,
    I want to be healthy and at a good weight. I also want to sit in my recliner and blog and eat junk. You see which ‘want’ is winning.

    Thanks, knowing I’m not alone is the best things right now.

    I know you and I share many of the same feelings about many things. Why can’t we do what we know we should do?

  14. Im sorry you are struggling with this. Weight loss is difficult. Im on that journey myself. Best of luck to you. Galway

  15. Galway,
    I wish so many of us weren't struggling. I mean if it were just about looks maybe it wouldn't be so serious, but when it compromises you health we have to keep struggling.