I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

IF I decide to do anything

*Whiney, defeatist post ahead - feel free to skip if you're not in the mood.


Going along with my new plan not to bother Nick, because he’s content and why rock the boat, I haven’t discussed my last doctor’s visit with him. Don’t worry, there is nothing wrong with me that hasn’t been wrong for a long time. It’s just that my numbers have crossed over from the ‘slightly worrisome’ column, to the ‘a bit more worrisome’ column. It’s nothing that shedding fifty to sixty pounds wouldn’t cure.


 I did discuss it with my sister. I told her I wasn’t going to worry about it until after the reunion and then I’d decide if I was going to do anything about it. Her response was, “IF, what’d mean if? You have to do something.” But apparently not.  I didn’t find out I was over weight at my last doctor’s visit. In fact I’ve been well aware of it for a good twenty-five years. So if I’ve known for a quarter of a century and haven’t done anything, I don’t have to do anything now.

I could make a plan – I am excellent at making a plan. I can schedule a variety of exercises, plan healthy meal and nutritious snacks, I could plan on writing down everything I eat, I could plan on going to bed earlier and getting more sleep. I could make a plan that would impress the hell out of you. But as you probably expect, while I great at making the plan I positively suck at sticking to it.

Right now I won’t go back to the gym – picture me with my arms wrapped around our heaviest piece of furniture screaming, “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!” I hate it, I despise it and I won’t do it! Not even if Nick threatened, promised or actually spanked the hell out of me. Any question?



Now discounting the gym, would knowing Nick would give me a true, sound spanking for not making some effort to improve my health make a difference?  If he looked over the plan I could make and insist, with those consequence I dream of hanging over me, that I follow through on some or all of them, entice me and excite me enough to try? I guess we’ll never know.  As I’ve seen on fb lately: 

Not his circus, not his monkey. 

It’s my problem, not his and I don’t know if I’m going to do anything or not.

49 comments:

  1. Gah..! I hear you! Being overweight is such a heavy burdensome emotional load to carry. I think if we could get rid of the guilt it may help us act upon losing the weight!
    I have no answers, just support and compassion.
    I understand the dilemma of health and weight.
    For me I could starve and not lose weight, or eat and gain or not....lol
    Like I said....COMPASSION!

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    Replies
    1. The whole mess is kinda rough.

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  2. Anonymous12:49 AM

    Walk, just walk. Get a pedometer and do more steps each day. Get disciplined, find a nice route, listen to some music or other uplifting media and the just do it. After 21 days it becomes a habit and then gets easier. I have done it and I know it works, but just get it in your mind and stick to it. Each marathon starts with the first step. You will learn to really enjoy it, rain or shine and then you will see the weight gradually drop off and you will feel so energized and great. Make up Cassie stories in your head while walking!!! You can do it, you are strong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can walk - but not for several days in a row. However, there are plenty of similar activities I could do. I just can't seem to make myself take that first step and I don't know what's wrong with me.

      When I do make myself walk and such I do listen to Cassie - that's why I don't like a walking buddy.

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  3. Oh PK...right there with ya! Have to go for my yearly physical soon...sure not looking forward to that! Last time I went to the doctor, we discussed my weight...I was so frustrated...exercising every day and watching my diet and didn't lose one blasted pound! I had kept a food diary per his request and all he could say is "well maybe you aren't eating enough and your body thinks it's starving. Oh and eat less carbs." Sheesh! I quit! Will try to eat healthy and not look in any mirrors...grrrr :-( Hang in there my friend.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    Replies
    1. I really think so many of us are fighting - or ignoring - the same problems. Sometimes we need advice, sometimes we just need to whine and complain.

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    2. Add me to the crowd. I've just made peace with my fat body and decided I love myself. It helps to be with a guy who thinks I'm beautiful. I'm ackkkk 66, I can't die young and leave a pretty body even if I were thin.

      But I am a type 2 diabetic so I really do try to watch my diet. But some days I say fuck it. Others I am careful.

      Need two new knees and maybe a hip do exercise is limited unless you count walking to the frig.

      No easy answers just a big club of fabulous women.

      Jackie waving hi to club members

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    3. Jackie, I want to make peace, wave the white flag. And then the next day I don't. I'm 57 and I'll never be skinny again unless there in an illness. All I what to to be around for Nick and the kids, they don't exactly need me - but God love them, they still WANT me around. My knees aren't great, but they do work. I guess I should do something before they are completely shot.

      But either way Jackie, I love that we're in the same club and I'm proud to know you!

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  4. You need to talk to him to explain your needs. You are his circus 'cos he married you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may be right, I don't know...

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  5. (((Hugs))) PK. I agree with Michael, I think you should talk to Nick. One step at a time.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz,
      But I don't know what to say to him - he knows.

      Delete
  6. you are his circus, I agree. He may not be the ring master, but you're with him and the show goes on.
    I need to lose weight too and I'm completely useless at dieting.
    hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. DF,
      He is so thin and fit - I think it would be hard for him to completely understand.

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  7. Me too. H doesn't want to help because he doesn't want me to think he doesn't like the way I am..... But I don't like the way I am! He has tried to get me to exercise in the past and then to be kind he buys chocolate!!
    It is bloody hard and I understand the do nothing approach, one needs to be in the right frame of mind to embrace it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janey,
      Nick has worried about the same thing, but I have never felt that way. Back when he was spanking to help - it was for not exercising and such and I felt that. We had just started TTWD and it was so new and exciting and I lost 40 pounds. I just don't know how to get it back.

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  8. I'm in that boat with you sister. Sometimes I do real well and lately not so well. If I had anything to share, you know I would but right now, I'm dead in the water.

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    Replies
    1. I know - I wonder if we all lived in the same community if we really could work on things together - lets all move to Corbin's Bend.

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    2. Oh Can I come, that dishy doctor Devon would have lots of ideas for us ;)
      Janxx

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  9. PK,
    I know your frustration. I now am a walker. I walk and walk. The problem with all that walking is that then you are hungry. We are all right there.
    Meredith

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    Replies
    1. I can't walk too much, but I could do some things. It's hard to kick my own self in the butt to get started.

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  10. PK,

    I'm with your sister.

    You know my thoughts and you should talk with Nick.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know Ronnie, but I just don't think it would do much in the long run.

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  11. Same here. Usually I'm better in the summer, but not this year. Work has been stressful, so in the afternoon I visit the vending machine. Usually just a small bag of nuts so I can claim it's healthy, but recently I've gone beyond that. Last summer I pulled out a few pieces of clothing I wasn't wearing because they were a little too tight and made it my mission to lose into them. I did it and can still wear them this year, but there is so much more to lose. Would a goal like that help you get started?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meg, I know I need to make some small obtainable goal, but so far I haven't. Knowing me I'd probably reward myself with a donut. Work should be less stressful this year and I'm hoping to cut down on my eating there.

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  12. Anonymous1:23 PM

    I've never been good at losing weight. The best I've done was when we did a diet together, but after 2 months I couldn't stand passing up lunch or dinner outings with friends. I wouldn't want to get into weigh-ins with my husband or daily food diaries, but maybe discussing it and aiming for one or two lbs. a week. Instead of punishment, how about looking forward to little rewards: massage, foot rubs, good girl spankings? I do recommend walking with music. Sometimes I think too much when I walk and that ruins it, so a partner to walk with or music helps. GOOD LUCK!

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    1. Sure can't diet with my hubby. He's gained 3 pounds in 31 years. He's really too thin. I know the idea of reward makes so much sense, but it never worked for me. I don't know why. I do need to get some good music ready. Glad you stopped by.

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  13. PK talk to Nick and let him help you. Losing weight isn't easy otherwise we would all be thin, but you can do anything you set your mind to.

    Hugs,
    George

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    Replies
    1. I can, but how do I set my mind to it? I know I have to, but how.

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  14. Hi PK,

    Oh my goodness, I am a health nut so your post had me squirming in my seat a bit. :0) Ok, so I get the gym thing!!! Seriously get it... I use to make sure my behind was at the gym every day, we are talking 7 days a week die hard work out routine. Then poof one day I walked in looked around and decided I was bored to death of the gym. So I started kick boxing. Super fun until I had a back injury and ended that activity all together. Now I am a walker, I put my music on (I have different play lists for my moods or for longer walks more beat to keep me pumped up) and off I go. I have done LOTS of studies and the major thing is for people to move. (Diet is huge too, but one step at a time :0)) So please, please, please if you can't hack the gym find a way to either walk or figure out how you can add more movement in your day. I also agree with the advice above to speak with Nick, he should know what is going on and be given the chance to support you in this.

    Hugs,
    Irish Lucky

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    Replies
    1. I know what you are saying about the moving - I don't. I like to sit at my computer and snack and it shows. Nick tries to encourage me without seeming like he's being ugly. I'm always planning to 'start'… tomorrow.

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  15. It's a never ending battle. Up and down.... I swear we are yoyos. It sucks. Choices.... It's all about choices. I'm there with you, believe it or not.

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    Replies
    1. I know this is a struggle for everyone, well most everyone. I just wish I could switch my brain to the 'lets do it mode.'

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  16. Hi PK, you MUST talk to Nick, dd aside he will find a way to help you. Do you have slimming clubs where you are? I went to one a while ago , everyone is in the same boat and by doing it together it really helps. I will admit to not going to the gym, ever. Truly the only way to lose weight is the food . I am sure the exercise helps but it is not the only way. We are still on the swatting and the food diary here. Writing it down makes me really see what I am shovelling in, lol. So far I have lost 12 pounds. My son's girlfriend is going to slimming world and she has lost 7 pounds in two weeks. What about cutting out the one thing you know is the worst thing you eat, maybe you can gradually change a few more. ( says I who would kill for a biscuit!!). Please talk to Nick, before you get poorly
    love Jan,xx

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    1. First congratulation on losing the 12 pounds - that's really wonderful. I'm stuck at tell Nick… what? That I'm over weight, he knows. That I need to do something, he knows. I don't know how to ask him to do to help me.

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    2. Oh PK. I think that's what you need to tell him. Simply that you can't do it alone and are stuck with it all. Let him read this post, somehow you have to find the motivation. Think of your retirement and how much better it will be if you are fit and healthy, it's so difficult to lose weight and thin people just do not get it no matter how sympathetic they try to be. Maybe you need to find a chubby friend and do it together!! Someone in the same boat and place who you can moan with and then maybe Nick could help too. Lots of love Jan,xx

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  17. BIG HUGS to you PK! :) I agree with all the above. Weight is a toughie. I've played the yoyo game for years.

    When you are ready, you will do what you need to do. And yeah, it is hard to forgo stuff at times, etc. But one little change at a time, and a tiny bit of exercise will get you going. And it is all about choice, as Eva says. Aaaah- but sometimes it is very hard to make those choices. I know it. Maybe change one thing, like instead of frying, bake? I have no answers but am here to encourage you when you are ready. :)

    Hang in there and talk to Nick. He loves you!! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Here is an interesting article that I just came across. Proof that it is harder for us ladies to get there and maintain. And some tips:

      http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/weight-loss-it-really-is-harder-for-women-research-shows/2014/08/12/0a95c1aa-1d9b-11e4-ab7b-696c295ddfd1_story.html

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    2. It helps that others understand what I'm slogging through. Thanks for the articles I will have the chance to get into them tomorrow.

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  18. Looks like there are going to be a lot of us in that boat. I hate and loathe bloody gyms - so boring. Nothing seems to get any weight off my body these days. Fire and brimstone could rain down and I would still stay the same. I need to lose 18 pounds. My sugar has gone up and I have less energy than a basking croc. Even running around after Dan for nearly three weeks hasn't helped me shed an ounce. As soon as my tail feels more like its original self, I intend to get my menfolk to lift my exercise bike down from the barn loft, and then I will get back to going on it for three songs a day. That's around ten minutes.

    It worked before. I didn't need Weighwatchers to make me stand on the scales. It just went down week by week. It's a case of lifting your metabolic rate. And believe me, PK, we can all manage just ten minutes a day out of our lives listening to our favourite songs on our I-pods. There isn't time to get bored, because by the time you are, you are done.

    Although, perhaps Nick, like Dan, will make all sorts of negative comments about the moans and groans you make as you carry out this ten minutes from hell. Hmmm. Now that might just be interesting.

    Hugs honey.
    Ami

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    1. We all do seem to be in this together. You're right even I could give it 10 minutes a day. I like reading on the bike. I'll get to the end of a chapter and keep going because I want to know what's next.

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  19. Pk,Pk,Pk...

    Ok now you have had 10 minutes of feeling sorry for yourself .. Head up and out with you.


    I was horrified when I read your IF .. and I hope that Bas in heaven is as angry as I am ..
    What you mean by IF?

    Of course, this is your responsibility. No other than you can do something about it. Do not throw that responsibility on Nick.
    If you do not want to do it for yourself, you'll be responsible for yourself.
    If you do not want to do it for your husband to have his wife with retained health in life .. will you explain it to your husband that you consciously do something that hurts you.
    But how do you explain this to your children that you do not do anything that could allow them to have their mother left and healthy? Because she does not like it?
    Because she does not have the desire?
    Not tomorrow, PK. Today, Pk, sit down and wrote the planning for the first week. Remove an item from your food and add 10-15 minutes of walking. It is enough for the first week.

    You are not alone in this PK. Today I joined WW to lose 10 kg. I know every one of your emotions. and my Leo is just like your Nick. Narrow. Can eat everything how much he wants and at any time. But he sports, it's true. So, breathe in and out and start ... and I will be cheering for you.

    Mona Lisa











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    1. Mona, you aren't wrong and I know Bas would be upset with me. I think I'm going to take 15 minutes to feel sorry for myself, but then eventually I will make some decisions - large or small and begin.

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  20. I feel your pain, PK. What has worked for me is having a work out partner who also has poor motivation. Having somebody to keep you accountable who also has a dog in the hunt, so to speak, will keep you, well, motivated.

    I also recently read an article that people who journal about what they eat tend to lose more weight. There is a free app for that called MyFitnessPal. The other thing this article said was that exercise, while great, is not as important as food journaling. Maybe that is where Nick can enter the equation...making sure that you journal everyday? Or how about a month of food that you order from NutriSystem or Weight Watchers? I had a friend who did that and she was pretty successful.

    Finally, you need to find a reason to do this. Obviously worry about your health isn't a motivator, so maybe there is something else? Is there anything else you really want and would be willing to work for? A trip somewhere? A new outfit by a fabulous designer?

    Good luck, I know how difficult this is, because with other things you can just give them up entirely, but food you have to have to live.

    :-)

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    1. Cygnet, you're suggestions are good. I'm going to have to take the time for myself to sit and decide what has to be done and then what I'm going to have to do to achieve it.

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  21. PK, good luck. I'm in the same boat as you and I think the key is really wanting to do something about it and deciding to actually DO something. I'm at the wanting but haven't gotten to the starting part. Too bad we don't live nearby we could inspire each other. I'm already at the numbers are too high.

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    1. Yes Kaki, that is exactly where I am! Where are you?? Maybe one of us could move! LOL!

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  22. Hi PK,
    I truly empathize with how you are feeling right now. As you know I struggle with this same issue. Unfortunately I have no magic advice. I mean, we know the answers already. We know we have to eat healthy, journal, exercise, and make mindful choices. But then what is holding us back from being the best we can be and making those choices? I keep returning to an all or nothing mentality. If I give up everything I love maybe I will lose some weight and maybe I won't but if I start eating those things again I fall to the other extreme. I can't seem to find the balance. Yesterday, I changed the channel and it turned to Dr. Oz and he talked about a healthy way of life diet which entailed giving up all wheat/gluten and dairy and sugar - people came on to say how fulfilled they felt eating mostly protein and vegetables and how after a few days they lost their old cravings and didn't miss the other foods they used to eat - I know I should have felt inspired and motivated to try again. Instead I felt angry and wanted to shout and say, what about the person who gives it all up and never loses the cravings so it is a struggle every day to make those same choices...the person who gives up all sugar other than fruit for 5 weeks and only loses one pound...how can you encourage that person to find success and feel well about themselves? I may have even said it out loud...only no one heard me. I am there as support. I do wish we live closer. We could go for little walks or find other activities that might be fun just to keep active...so we didn't feel like we were doing it on our own. Because clearly we aren't alone. Big hugs to you

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