Now to talk about weigh loss - I’m doing fine. I lost another 1.2 pounds last week. Nick was very happy with me but it all gives me a strange feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I almost cringe when someone congratulates me in person. I don’t want Nick to ignore it, but I would just as soon him tell me he’s pleased by email. And that’s all I am, pleased (said with a small smile and a let’s please move on.) I appreciate everyone out here that is encouraging me. That kind of support is welcomed but it just makes me nervous coming from those I see every day. I guess I’ve fought this fight so many times – and lost – that I’m almost afraid of success. Being overweight is one thing, starting to lose and then backsliding is another.
Once when I had lost around 20 pounds – enough for everyone to notice, I had several people at church, and family too, tell me how good I looked. They told me they were proud of me and that they knew it took hard work. It was like my mind said “Okay, you’re finished. You can stop now.” And that’s what I did. And I put every pound back on. I don’t know why. I really don’t. But it has gotten me to a point where I’m almost paranoid when people tell me I’m doing well. You see, in my mind, I know what they will think if I start to gain back,
“I knew she couldn’t do it the stupid loser. It was all just a wasted effort. Oh yeah, I believed all that big talk ‘gonna lose weight, gonna really do it this time’ who did the idiot think she was fooling?”
Yes, yes I know very poor attitude on my part, but this blog is where I spill my guts and for better or worse, those are the thoughts in my head. If anyone has ever had this problem or has a way to overcome this I’d be happy to hear it.
Where we stand right now: I joined Weight Watcher 5 weeks ago and in those 5 weeks I’ve lost 6.2 pounds. I should be very happy. But since I don’t know why I’m suddenly deciding to do something about my weight and I’m sticking with the program then I don’t know what might trigger me to give up and stop trying. I guess it comes down to this, it’s easier for me to live with being fat that to disappoint myself and others again by trying and failing. Geeze, where’s Jillian Michaels when you need her?
