Letting go of fear

We all have fears. Fear keeps us from running into a burning building, it keeps us from leaping off high cliffs and it can keep us from walking down a dark dangerous street late at night. There is nothing wrong with good honest fear.

But as I think to the time I began blogging, my fears surrounding the idea were substantial. I feared ‘strangers’ on the internet.

Haven’t we all been warned since the internet began? I feared sharing my strange desire for spanking with Nick. I certainly feared someone else would find out – my boss, my friends, my church, my in-laws, and of course my children. I was so careful I created a different identity, new email, new passwords for my computer. I even feared these things. Would I be in trouble (with whom I didn’t know) for creating this false identity. Probably some of the fear caused excitement and that wasn’t a totally bad thing.

Over the years I’ve watched these fears fade away almost to the point that I can’t remember what I feared in the first place. Would I have lost my teaching position if those at the education center had found out I wrote a spanko blog and eventually that I wrote books containing spanking and sex? I don’t know. Here in a southern small town, I guess I could have. Fighting it would have been embarrassing at the time. That fear could have been legitimate.

As the years went by I began telling my real life friends, they were great. Most were amused, and all seemed to have a live and let live attitude. As for the church, I remember asking here on the blog about what to tell the new minister the first time I met her. I asked, “Should I lead with the fact that I write sexy books, or that my son’s gay?” Turns out we discussed both the first day we met and she was totally fine with both things.

As for Nick’s family, no reason to fear there. I could be on the New York Times best seller list and make more money than EL James and they would never acknowledge it. These people, who are fine people even if they do piss me off, could ignore an elephant as big as a house in the room. Just as they ignore LJ and his marriage. To them gay marriage, as well as my books, don’t exist.

I did fear my children discovering ‘our secret’ before they were old enough to understand just how consensual it was. I couldn’t let them help me with my technology questions because I didn’t want them to see the spanking pictures I posted. But as they grew up, that last fear faded with their maturity. Both know what I write and both seem glad that it makes me happy. Mollie has never read one of my books, she says she doesn’t want to. But she has bought everyone when it came out to support me. I think that’s very sweet.

This weekend Mollie was home. She was cooking for a tailgate party she was going to and I, being the good mother, was in the kitchen pestering her and generally getting in her way. Exasperated she came out with an empty threat she heard often as a child, ‘If you don’t get out of here I’m going to get the paint stick.’ Then she added, ‘Never mind, you weirdo, you’d probably like it.’  I burst out laughing and she joined me. We’ve come a long way.

It’s been a long journey, letting go of these fears. It’s been a good journey. I’ve gained confidence in myself and lost the worry of what other’s think of me. I’m comfortable with who I am and what I do. That’s a wonderful feeling.

TBT - You can’t mean you're not going to be naked at your own wedding!

Let me take a guess and say that most of my readers haven't read all my posts. Sometimes I glance back through some of the old one and repost it here as a Throw Back Thursday. I hope you'll like this one from November, 2009.


Do you ever worry about someone finding out about your spanko side? I know most of us worry at least a little. And I know for some the idea is extremely frightening. It was scary for me at first. I've changed a lot over the years I’ve been here. In real life I have told one close friend and my sister. Both of them had the same reaction – surprise, amusement, total acceptance and underlying it all a complete lack of understanding of what spanking really means in my life. And that’s fine. I don’t care if they understand all the underlying thought on submission and dominance. They just know I enjoy being spanked, and that I also enjoy the ability to open up to Nick and have him accepting my kink. It has made us a much happier couple.

I’m never planning to share with my kids – at least while they are kids. Of course LJ is 21. I have no reason or plans to tell him but if he found out I believe that for the 30 seconds or less he actually thought about it (that’s about as long as he thinks about anything unless I wrote it up as a play) he would be amused. Now Mollie on the other hand would probably be mortified, about the spanking and equally about the fact we still have sex at all. No one on my side of the family would care and where Nick’s family would probably be embarrassed if they found out I know them well enough to be sure that they would never say a word to us. (They both know what I write now and I was correct that LJ  could care less and Mollie finds it's slighting embarrassing, but she's not horrified and is willing to help me with the books at time.)

If I was found out at work I would certainly have to take the blog private and that would be sad. I don’t think I would lose my job after all these years. And the reason I think I would keep my job is because there is nothing wrong with this thing we do!

I look back in my blog and I can’t find one thing shocking in it. I have always been proud of a post I did that first year saying that we should not have to hide our kink, you can read it here if you are interested. All I’ve ever said is that I believe in consensual adult spanking. That I think it is sexy and that it makes me feel safe and protected. I have been married to the same man for 26 years and we have an active sex life that includes spanking. Sorry, I can’t see anything wrong with any of this.

So while I know we don’t want to be found out I sure hope no one is ashamed of TTWD. Letting the spanko side of me out is the best thing I have ever done. It turned a hum-drum marriage into a strong, loving bond. It changed me from dreading sex to really looking forward to the time we can get the house alone. I am a much, much happier person. Being happier make me a better teacher, a better wife and a better mother.  I wish our lifestyle could be discussed in the opened. Not to try to talk others into it but to encourage those who know that they have these tendencies to accept themselves and embrace what so many of us know works!

So what would I say if my ‘secret’ was to be discovered and I was confronted with it? Well, I remember an old episode from Star Trek, the Next Generation. In this show a woman from another planet was getting ready to marry a man from Earth, a rather conservative man. Her grow daughter had her doubts because of their differences. The final straw came when the mother showed her daughter her wedding dress. In total shock the daughter looked at her mother in and asked in an incredulous voice “Mother! You can’t mean you're not going to be naked at your own wedding!”The actress was so good at delivering that line I found myself shocked that the bride to be would be wearing clothes.

So if anyone should ever say to me ‘You don’t mean your husband spanks you?!” I’ll look at them with shock and concern and say “Of course he does! Doesn’t yours?”

You can’t mean you are not going to be naked at your own wedding!!

Do you ever worry about someone finding out about your spanko side? I know most of us worry at least a little. And I know for some the idea is extremely frightening. I know it was for me at first. I have changed a lot over the years I’ve been here. In real life I have told one close friend and my sister. Both of them had the same reaction – surprise, amusement, total acceptance and underlying it all a complete lack of understanding of what spanking really means in my life. And that’s fine. I don’t care if they understand all the underlying thought on submission and dominance. They just know I enjoy being spanked and that the ability to open up to Nick and have him accepting my kink has made us a much happier couple.

I’m never planning to share with my kids – at least while they are kids. Of course LJ is 21. I have no reason or plans to tell him but if he found out I believe that for the 30 seconds or less he actually thought about it (that’s about as long as he thinks about anything unless I write it up as a play) he would be amused. Now Mollie on the other hand would probably be mortified, about the spanking and equally about the fact we still have sex at all. No one on my side of the family would care and where Nick’s family would probably be embarrassed if they found out I know them well enough to be sure that they would never say a word to us.

If I was found out at work I would certainly have to take the blog private and that would be sad (if that ever happens and you want in just email me – it would only be work folks I would be shutting out). I don’t think I would lose my job after all these years. And the reason I think I would keep my job is because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS THING WE DO!!!

I look back in my blog and I can’t find one thing shocking in it. I have always been proud of a post I did that first year saying that we should not have to hide our kink, you can read it here if you are interested. All I’ve ever said is that I believe in consensual adult spanking. That I think it is sexy and that it makes me feel safe and protected. I have been married to the same man for 26 years and we have an active sex life that includes spanking. Sorry I can’t see anything wrong with any of this.

So while I know we don’t want to be found out I sure hope no one is ashamed of TTWD. Letting the spanko side of me out is the best thing I have ever done. It turned a hum-drum marriage into a strong, loving bond. It changed me from dreading sex to really looking forward to the time we can get the house alone. I am a much, much happier person. Being happier make me a better teacher, a better wife and a better mother. It was the catalysis in me losing 40 pounds and it’s all tied up in my desire and goal to lose more. I wish our lifestyle could be discussed in the opened. Not to try to talk others into it but to encourage those who know that they have these tendencies to accept themselves and embrace what so many of us know works!

So what would I say if my ‘secret’ was to be discovered and I was confronted with it? Well, I remember an old episode from Star Trek, the Next Generation. In this show a woman from another planet was getting ready to marry a man from Earth, a rather conservative man. Her grow daughter had her doubts because of their differences. The final straw came when the mother showed her daughter her wedding dress. In total shock the daughter looked at her mother in and asked in an incredulous voice “Mother! You can’t mean you are not going to be naked at your own wedding!!” The actress was so good at delivering that line I found myself shocked that the bride to be would be wearing clothes.

So if anyone should ever say to me ‘You don’t mean your husband spanks you!” I’ll look at them with shock and concern and say “Of course he does! Doesn’t yours?”

No warning needed

I need no warning about anyone on the internet. I didn’t come here looking for absolute truth. If I were looking for the absolute truth I couldn’t be on the internet dealing with fake names and people who I know are intentionally hiding there identity. I came here to write and to read the words of others.

The people I ‘know’ here did not come to fulfill my needs – they came here to fulfill their own. That is why we are all here. To fulfill our own needs. I wasn’t looking for a guide, a dom, a priest, or perfect person. I was looking for people who would discuss spanking and spanking relationships with me. I found that. And whether people told me the absolute truth or only what they wanted to be the truth doesn’t bother me one bit. I have been helped by every comment I have received or read anywhere else. No lie detector was needed to test the love and caring behind the words.

I am so very sorry that someone was hurt by a friend. But that should be one hundred percent between the person that was hurt and their friend to work out. By it being discussed other places has only brought hurt on those who truly only meant to help. Maybe they went about it wrong. Maybe they made serious mistake. Perhaps things got out of hand but I will never believe that there was any malice behind any of this.

Before we say how awful it is that some one was less that truthful on the internet – wow, what a concept – maybe should take the time to make a list of the times we have hurt a friend or a loved one, the times we screwed up big time, the times a small untruth that we thought would hurt no one backfired and ended up hurting us and others. Those of you out there that are perfect and have never hurt any one won’t have to make a list. But many of us are going to have to go get a second sheet of paper.

Look for the good in people, there is plenty. And when you see their bad try to forgive them for it and hope and pray that they won’t see our short coming and point them out to everyone else.