I finally told him

Good luck following this, I’m trying to write and think at the same time – always a dangerous undertaking.

*NOTE – to those fairly new to my blog, I want to be sure you know that there are only two people in this relationship – Nick and me.  All other people, persona, or characters live only in the labyrinth of my mind.

I was surprised and happy to get the email from Nick the other day.  I knew what he had said was true and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was going to make me pay for my somewhat one-sided take on everything.  But it didn’t happen.  We met, but I only got the mildest of spankings and that was all.  I was disappointed and frustrated, but not at Nick. I was disappointed and frustrated with myself.  I couldn’t, actually wouldn’t, tell him what I needed.

Bas asked why I couldn’t just be happy with the fun, sexy side of spanking.  That would make everything sooo much easier. But I need… I need…  What do I need?

That’s a rhetorical question – I already know.  I’ve always known, but I never fully shared it with Nick because I’ve always felt like I shouldn’t need it. This is part of what I said to Nick.

  

I was embarrassed coming out to you.  And I’m embarrassed now to say that there are times I need so much more. Yesterday, you called me on my unfairness to you in some of the things I’d written. I was relieved, I wanted you to spank - but I needed more, and I couldn't bring myself to ask.  Sometimes I just want you to spank until I’m done in, near tears, begging you to please stop, I want to be sore and bruised and totally spent.  I know I’m probably scaring you just saying this.  But it’s still true.  I don’t need this all the time, but sometimes I do.

There was more, but you get the idea.  Here is part of his reply –

What you need to know is I am quite willing to spank your butt well and often!  I just never seem to know if it should be short or extended or for foreplay, relief, discipline, maintenance, or something else.

Keep thinking and keep talking.

With that invitation I took the plunge and told him exactly what I wanted. 

Sometimes I just need to go to this place in my head that’s darker. I need someone to take me there that is not my sweet, loving husband.  I don’t want someone who is cruel or vicious, but someone willing to take on the task of keeping my head in the right place. Someone who will spank hard and long, not for real infractions, but to let me experience the kind of release I think I'll get.  Maybe I can ask him for a date sometimes. He needs to be someone good with a warm up and serious about the spanking, he’s got a job to do and it’s not to be kind and gentle.  I don’t want to hear ‘I’ll spank until I tell you to stop.’  That puts the control back on me and it doesn’t work.  I just say stop when I think he’s probably getting bored.  I know my safe word, and I’ll use it if I need to.

Badass, who is never far away, immediately popped in and offered her friend, Hardass.  She said he was always available to come by, but that he’d wait for an invitation.  So I did extend an invitation to him.  Nick says he’s planning on coming by tonight. Nick also emailed me the spankers mantra – ‘Be careful what you wish for.’

We’ll see how it goes. I don’t need words, or scolding.  My over burdened imagination will provide that right in my head. Will I want to see Hardass twice a month or twice a year?  Maybe one visit will be sufficient.  If this works as I thing it could, it could be a real break through for me.  It does put the ball in my court to extend the invitation.  When I don’t, Nick and I are free to play just for the fun of it without me secretly wanting something heavier.

Maybe it's not discipline I’ve been looking for after all, maybe it's just this release.

Now I guess I'll have to wait until Sunday or Monday to let you know how things went.