When is it time to give up?

I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the past few months. We’ve been working at TTWD for over a decade. But when nothing, or very little, has happened that could be call TTWD for months and months – then I wonder, have we stopped?

Is this a lull or is it dead? If you’ve read here long, you’ve seen a pattern. Nothing for a while, then Nick will mention something and I get all excited and then within a few weeks it seems we’re back to nothing and without meaning to or wanting to, I sink into depression. Not serious depression, I know some who have serious problems with depression and that’s not me. But I get sad. Then I get quiet. Then I go away. Not physically, but I retreat into my own little world. I know others of you have mentioned doing the same.

I go quietly, almost silently and yet while I’m there I sometimes blame Nick for not noticing. Even though I leave no clues at all. Not very fair, huh?

Over the last few months I decided, on my own, that I was done. I was done fighting for something that wasn’t going to happen. I was done pushing poor Nick into a lifestyle that he never asked for and probably never understood. I love my husband more than he can know, but I decided I’d let this part of our lives go. I didn’t ask him or discuss it with him, I just decided in my heart that I wasn’t going to bring it up again – ever.

I was okay with my decision. I was sad for a while, but I took stock and we were okay. We’re together, we’re healthy, and things are calm and pleasant. Not a bad marriage of nearly thirty-five years.

But then Nick emailed. My heart didn’t soar this time when I read it. My thoughts were, No! I’m not doing this again. I just got back to okay. I’m not climbing to the peak only to plunge to the bottom again when it all stops.  ‘Okay’ was feeling pretty good.

In his email, he asked me about my weight change with in the past six months. He asked how I was doing with my sugar and how much I was exercised. I answered his questions but then I added,

“I answered your questions because I think any husband has the right to ask these questions of his wife. Not because they’re your responsibility. You are officially relived of that burden.”

I went on to say, “It’s not that I’m withdrawing consent, I’m just accepting reality. I’m not interested in a game played once or twice a year. I’m not mad, I’m not upset and I think we’re good. Most couples don’t live the lifestyle and have long and happy marriages. You gave it a try and I love you for it! I know you are the best husband in the world and I tell people that often. This is not an email of bitching and moaning, it’s simply one acknowledging facts.

Another fact is that I love you.

There was more, but this is what it boiled down to.

I wasn’t sure how Nick would respond. I wasn’t sure he would respond, though I felt he probably would. He did. He acknowledged some mistakes and problems on his part. And he pointed out some seriously problems and mistakes that I had to accept responsibility for. He was accurate in his observations.

His final observation was, “At this point I feel that you do in fact deserve a spanking for retreating silently and consider giving up.”

Most of what I felt at that point was confusion – what I’ve always wanted vs. a mature well thought out decision to step back. I took twenty-four hours to think about what I wanted to say in my answering email.

I’ll post most of the email tomorrow.

This is going to hurt me more than it does you

Maybe you heard this as a child just before a spanking. Maybe some of your HOH use this silly phrase. I suppose it’s all in your definition of ‘hurt’. But I think most spankees give this a, ‘Yeah, sure’ when they hear it.

But what happens when it’s true? There has been no spanking or even talk of it here for a long while. I haven’t complained. It’s not been discussed at all. But I have noticed something. Nick’s hands are giving him trouble. I’ll see him rubbing his thumb and taking pain meds. He’s not much of a complainer, but sometimes I see him  flex his hands and occasionally mention his thumb is hurting. While I do love the sting and achy feeling on my butt, I do not want spanking me, to cause him pain.

There are alternatives. If he’d ever really wanted the lifestyle there are other ways we could connect that don’t involve an actual spanking. I do love a good spankings, but I’ve mentioned other methods of discipline to him over the years.  But after a while, when he never seemed to take to any of them, I just feel embarrassed to mention them again.

I guess his hands give me one more reason not to bring it up. Have any of you dealt with this problem?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Christmas complete! We had a wonderful visit. I got to sit and talk with both LJ and Collin and Mollie came for the weekend. It does a mom good to have all her babies back in the nest. I think they enjoyed their visit very much, but they are true New Yorkers now and I know they were also anxious to get back to their city and their cats. And no matter how much you love your kids, once you’ve lived in the empty nest there is always a little relief getting it back.

Mollie is going through some trials, being the mom of a cat. Mollie loves animals, all animals. Her cat loves going out, and she lives way back from the road so she lets her out for a while in the afternoon and early evening. The cat brought in her first prey yesterday. A baby bunny. Mollie was devastated.

It was much too young to survive without it’s mother. It was totally unharmed, her cat had treated it gently, but Mollie couldn’t just take it out and leave it to die. She called her vet, but they said they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) help her. She’s calling her old mom, the former vet tech for help, but what could I tell her?  I knew it had only a small chance of survival but I told her feeding it with an eye dropper was all I knew to do.

I couldn’t remember the exact formula we used for tiny animals and suggested she call the vet hospital I used to work for. They were much more helpful and told her that they had a wildlife specialist. They said if she could bring in in they would take care of it. And if they felt it couldn’t be saved they would put it to sleep humanely. That’s all she wanted to hear. She just couldn’t put it outside as prey for the other cats in the neighborhood.

She is so torn now. Her cat loves going outside. It’s spring, there are baby mice, rabbits, squirrels, voles, moles… the list goes on. It’s going to happen again and she can’t drive forty-five minutes to the vet every time. I’ve suggested keeping the cats nails trimmed and even having her wear a bell on her collar, but that won’t help any with baby animals.

I’m open for suggestions if anyone has any. I have the same problem with one of my cats, but Mollie is way more tender hearted than I am.  

More questions...

The boys are here and I'm really enjoying my mommie time with my oldest. Christmas and Christmas dinner will be Friday night.

Meanwhile, more questions today! I have some from Baker, Ronnie, Sue-B, and Amy.

Question: okay, I would like to know what kind of spankings you desire most and why? What part of the spanking process most appeals to you ie...the lecture, the implement used...etc. is there an aspect you do not enjoy?
Thanks!
--Baker

This one took me deep into my thoughts. The spanking I desire the most would be a real one. Not teasing, not a lead into sex, not one I can laugh off. I desire something with meaning and realism behind it. Something that makes it not just a game.

What appeals to me the most/least?

I can’t remember.

Questions: Sorry if you have already answered this. Are you very strict with your writing, like setting aside 1, 2 3 hours a day to write? 
What book are you reading at the moment?
What's your favourite meal Nick cooks for you.
Love,
Ronnie

Hey Ronnie,

To your first question I can answer a definite yes and no! I go to my writing room about 9:00 AM intending to write for about four to five hour or so. But I’m afraid there is a lot of wandering during that time. A little blog reading, a little Facebook cruising. I’ll write a post. I jot down ideas for a book that will be written in the future. I’ll make a grocery list. At the moment, I’m doing a lot of editing on various things. I’m afraid making progress on a WIP doesn’t get the focus it often needs.

What book are you reading at the moment?

I just finished The Good House, by Ann Leary. Loved it! And later today I’m starting Children of Blood and Bone, by Tori Adeymi don’t know quite what to expect, but I saw the author interview on GMA and like her.

What's your favourite meal Nick cooks for you.

Nick doesn’t really fix meal. He just makes sure we have something to eat. We often work on it together. I like it when he fixes Salmon and I’ll make a spinach sauce to go with it. Yes, I said it – I cooked a vegetable

My question, has Cassie ever met with her brother since her first husband and parents died? 
Love,
Sue-B

Thanks for the question Sue,

No, Cassie never saw her brother after that day. He sided with her parents and fully brought into the idea that Cassie was a horrible black sheep of the family.  He had a son, but Cassie never met him. She did eventually meet his wife and they developed a friendship for a time, but Cassie never met his children.

Question: Do you ever find that you write the thing you miss or wish you had in your own life and does your husband read your writing to get a better understanding of where you are in your head? Or, are the stories all separate from you and your real life?
Amy

Amy,

Open a can of worms, why don’t you! LOL. Let’s take these one at a time.

Do you ever find that you write the thing you miss or wish you had in your own life?

Ever hears of Cassie? I guess writing what I want is all I do. Now the relationships in my stories are more intense than I’d want in real life, so you might say I’m compensating. But writing what I want and don’t have is what I’ve done for fifty years. And in the past twelve it’s actually moved from my head to the computer as writing.

Does your husband read your writing to get a better understanding of where you are in your head?

Short answer here, no. He used to. When we first began TTWD he read my blog, he read my friends blogs, he wrote stories for me for Fantasy Friday. We traveled across country to meet blogging friends. We were the closes and happiest we’d ever been in our marriage. But he stopped. He stopped reading, stop writing and I guess stopped wondering what’s in my head. He does help me edit the books when I ask him to. But the only comments are like, “Are you sure this tense is right?’ Our marriage is smooth and tranquil and I think he’s content with that.

Are the stories all separate from you and your real life?

The DD in the stories are all separate from me, but much of the flavor comes from memories I have of my parents travels – Mom’s friends had to buy prostitution license in Mexico. I remember couples I watched when I attended conventions with my folks. And in the most recent book, where I tell about a mountain lodge and Al’s Hardware – those place are real and Nick and I were there.